


Parallels

by SisterSarai



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Wizards, Childhood Trauma, Cutting, Dark Past, Depression, Drugs, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Magic, Marijuana, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Minor Violence, Near Death Experiences, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rage, Recreational Drug Use, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slow Romance, Soulmates, Trauma, True Love, Violence, Witches, Wizards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 46,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23182117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SisterSarai/pseuds/SisterSarai
Summary: Severus is shocked to learn that his ex-best friend, Sarai Soleil, is back at Hogwarts to teach after 13 years of no contact. What will he do? How will he react? What would happen if the story played out slightly differently. Will Voldemort still be defeated?  Will Severus still die?  You'll have to read to find out. This story very loosely follows the books. This is Severus and Sarai's story so it is the same time period as Harry's but it is through their perspective and more focused on their lives and their history.
Relationships: Severus Snape/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	1. Sarai's Return

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time ever publishing anything I have written. I am an amateur writer, its just a hobby but I really enjoy storytelling. I love Severus Snape so much and this story has been in my head for a long time. Constructive criticism is always welcome but please don't be mean. This is my baby and I finally feel confident enough to share it. This is going to be a long story and I will post as often as I can. Thanks for reading! No affiliation with the Harry Potter franchise.

The day was sunny, yet brisk. The birds were chirping and there was a slight breeze in the air. It was late summer in the Highlands of Scotland on the First of September 1991. The trees were slowly starting to wear their orange and red, autumn hues and the start of yet another term at Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was about to begin. If it was to be anything at all like the last one (and it usually was), it would be full of good for nothing little dunderheads, always making a mess of their cauldrons and making trouble for him in the corridors. It however, did not slip his mind that this year there would be a new celebrity amongst them, yes; the famous Harry Potter had finally received his acceptance letter. He sighed audibly. He wondered what the boy would be like; hopefully nothing like his arrogant jerk of a father…

  
He quietly gazed out of the arched dungeon window, over the Black Lake, at the sinking sun as thoughts of Lily swam through his head, her glowing face, her long, soft, red hair, and her warm and gentle smile. A single tear rolled down his pale cheek; he would never forgive himself for her death. He knew he must keep an eye on her boy, she would want that and he would do anything for her, even posthumously, although he would never let anyone know what he was truly up to, especially not the boy, he had a reputation to uphold after all. He shook his head and snapped himself back to reality.

…Malfoy’s boy would be attending this year as well. What was his name again? Ah, yes, Draco. He must keep an eye on that one; the Malfoy family was full of dark wizards who believed in an “un-tainted” bloodline. Severus knew things about Lucius and knew that he still believed in the ways of The Dark Lord. Yes, he would have to keep an eye on him as well; the last thing he needed was for Lucius Malloy to be meddling in the affairs at Hogwarts, he thought to himself. Albus had also mentioned in the staff meeting last week that there would be a new Astronomy Professor this year. He had heard that Aurora had finally retired; well hopefully he or she would be more competent than the last and stay out of his business. This was definitely going to be an interesting year he supposed. He stood up abruptly from the desk in his study, at which he had been sitting, and in the same breath, placed his cloak upon his shoulders and was out the door. The sorting ceremony would begin soon and he had to make an…impression.

The Sorting Ceremony was completed as usual. Another Weasley! Did they just keep producing offspring, he wondered; they must have enough of them now to create a small, ginger-headed army, he smirked at the thought. Malfoy’s boy was sorted into Slytherin of course, along with a few other hopeful prospects but when Minerva called “Harry Potter” Severus froze. Merlin’s beard, he was the spitting image of his father, he had her eyes though and this would both haunt and intrigue him every time he saw the boy. It was going to be tough to not see James in him and trigger his PTSD. Of course, Potter was sorted into Gryffindor, just like his irritating father, although the hat hesitated an awfully long time before making its decision. That was definitely curious. Quirell was being extra fidgety and annoying. What the hell was wrong with him, he thought? These were all things to ponder, later, when he was finally alone in his chambers with a glass of Fire-Whiskey.

Dumbledore, wearing his periwinkle robes with tiny yellow stars, stood to make his usual start of term speech and after saying a few words about the forbidden forest, paused, as Filch came and whispered something in his ear.

“Students, I have just received word that our new Astronomy Professor has finally arrived. Please join me in giving a warm welcome to the newest addition of our Hogwarts family, Professor Sarai Sol----“

“Pfhttttttt…” Severus spit out his pumpkin juice. A few of the first years that didn’t know any better sniggered.

“Everything alright Severus?” Dumbledore smiled mischievously.

Severus glared at the man.

“Yes, er, just went down the wrong way”, he lied while glaring at the group of first years.

Albus continued, “It is with my greatest pleasure to welcome Sarai Soleil, our new Astronomy Professor, who comes to us all the way from sunny California!”

The Great Hall erupted in applause as the old oak doors opened but Severus couldn’t hear anything, the whole room had gone silent, he couldn’t move, he could only stare as the great oak doors swung open to reveal a beautiful young woman with long, wavy, violet hair that cascaded down her back and large, almond-shaped, glowing amber eyes. She was average height for a woman with a figure that may have warranted unwanted attention, voluptuous in all the right places. As she made her way towards the staff table, he could almost smell the soft, delicate scent of rose petals floating off of her skin. Her hair had gotten long since he last saw her, it just brushed the small of her back and he couldn’t take his eyes from there as she walked towards Dumbledore. It looked soft, so soft, he wanted to reach out and touch it, run his fingers through it and breathe her in like all those moons ago. He was mesmerized; it was only he and she in the great hall in that moment. She looked even more beautiful than he remembered, although, there was a darkness in her eyes that had not been there before. Time had been kind to her, unlike himself. She had the most radiant, genuine smile plastered across her face as she curtsied and made her way towards the staff table. She had always been such an odd girl (were those the same Doc Martins from their school days?); it seemed to be a Dumbledore trait, although she wasn’t a girl anymore, she had grown into a stunningly beautiful woman and he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He hadn’t seen her in at least eleven years and he hadn’t embraced her in more. As she approached, roses and a hint of patchouli wafted through his nostrils and he instinctually breathed in. His mind was racing now, how could Albus not think to mention this to him. Had the man lost his mind?

Sarai waited outside the doors for the cue to her grand entrance. Her palms were a bit sweaty as she was nervous to be back here, to teach actual students…. to see _him._ Her mind easily drifted (as it often did) to her first day here, all those years ago.

*

_The first of September, twenty years prior, was when Sarai first walked through these great oak doors. She was 11 years old and had just ridden the Hogwarts Express for the first time; something she had been dreaming about since she was a small child and Uncle Albus would tell her the stories of Hogwarts. Both of her parents were Magical and her mother, Ajna, just so happened to be a Dumbledore. Sarai was eager to hone her craft, an introvert, but extraverted around the right energy. At eleven, she already knew she was an empath and a natural healer. She walked down the corridor of the train and was drawn to the last compartment on the left at the end of the corridor, so she followed her instincts. There were two students already seated in there, a girl with long, beautiful red hair and fair skin, and a lanky boy with shoulder length, greasy, black hair._

_“Er…hi” Sarai said awkwardly. “I..is it okay if I sit here?”_

_They both looked up at her at the same time. Sarai stepped inside the compartment._

_“I, um, I’m Sarai Soleil” she said._

_The girl smiled, “yes, of course. I’m Lily Evans and this is Severus Snape, you must be a first year too!” The boy continued to stare at her but didn’t say anything. “Sev, be nice” Lily scolded._

_“Er…hi” Severus said quietly._

_Sarai put her things away and sat down next to Lily. They started chatting and eventually even Severus joined in. By the time they arrived at Hogwarts, the three of them were giggling like old pals. Sarai was so happy to have made some friends right away and hoped they would all be sorted into the same house. They weren’t, of course, and eventually everything would change, but there, in that moment, Sarai was the happiest that she had ever been in her life._

_*_

“Sarai Soleil!”

She was startled back into consciousness by Albus’ booming announcement of her name, and that was her cue. Sarai was quite surprised to open the doors to hearty cheers and she didn’t know what else to do but curtsy. As she found the path towards the staff table, she caught a shroud of black in her peripheral and immediately knew who it was. It took everything in her not to run to him and wrap her arms around his neck and bury her face in his chest. No, that would be inappropriate now, she thought, as the wells in her eyes threatened to fill. Instead, she stood next to Albus on the right and began to address the students, her accent that of what muggles referred to as a “valley girl”.

“Hi everyone! Thank you so much for that warm welcome! I don’t know what else to say, except that I love the stars and I am looking SO forward to sharing my knowledge of them with you all this term. I have a lot planned for my students this year and I am so stoked to embark on this journey in the sky together!”

The Hall erupted once again in applause and he could already tell that the students would love her right away, what with her cool, free-spirited aura and California accent, he frowned. Was she really qualified for this position? She travelled with a band of gypsies for most of her formative years for Merlin’s sake, or was this just Albus, up to something? He really wouldn’t put it past the great wizard. This was his great niece after all and perhaps it was just nepotism, he sighed again.

“Hello Sev” he heard a soft voice behind him say.

His thoughts were immediately broken as he was drawn back to the present. He turned to the voice, glaring…”Sarai” and turned back to his plate as if he cared not to speak with her.

Sarai was left staring at the back of his long greasy hair, thinking, “Well, he hasn’t changed much.” She wondered if he had forgotten her over the years or if he was just too bitter to give her the time of day? She knew he had been teaching here at Hogwarts, Albus mentioned it years ago so it was no surprise to her that he would be here, but she imagined, in true Albus form, that he had “forgot” to mention her arrival to Severus. Knowing him, he hadn’t dealt with his past, only bottled those feelings up and stuffed them away somewhere. Probably kept them next to a bottle of horned slugs or bubatuber pus or something. Was he just going to pretend like he didn’t know her? Like they didn’t have a history? She supposed she deserved it after how she left him. She was reluctant to accept this job knowing that she would see him again but she also really wanted to be back here at Hogwarts. She craved the familiarity of it after all that she had been through. She continued to glance over at him throughout dinner but he never once looked up from his plate, and she wondered what was going through that brilliant mind of his…

…Finally, the great feast was coming to a close. The house prefects got up to lead their students to their prospective dormitories; there would be new passwords this term of course. She had heard that Severus had become the head of Slytherin House and she felt a sense of pride at the thought of it. She turned to look at him again, but he had already gone. She looked to the door and sure enough, there were his black robes billowing behind him like a bat out of hell. She rest her cheek on her hand and sighed a long and heavy sigh. This was going to be an interesting year to say the least.

Severus paced back and forth in his chambers. This is what he did when his head was heavy with thought. Well now his head was heavy but his heart as well. He was not expecting for these memories to come flooding back to him. She was his best friend, all he had, especially after Lily stopped talking to him, and she just left. She left without even saying goodbye or giving any sort of explanation. He never made friends again after that for he didn’t trust anyone. He only fell deeper and darker into the abyss that was his mind. Spiraling into the monster that he would eventually become. Going to the darkest corners of his thoughts and seeking out darkness in others until he was in the clutches of the darkest of them all…but that was all in the past now…sort of. How could she be here, he thought. This was going to change everything, how was he going to be around her, how could he speak to her when he couldn’t find it in his cold, hardened heart to even forgive her. He would just have to treat her as he would anyone else. He would be civil but not allow himself to actually form any sort of relationship. People only left him anyways, or he got them killed. He was no good for anyone, he thought.

Sarai found herself in the dungeons after the feast, partly out of habit (she was a Slytherin after all), partly due to curiosity. She knew Severus’ chambers were here, downstairs from the potions classroom. She missed the musty scent of the dungeons and she could smell the faint scent of herbs wafting from the labs. Of course he would be the Potions Master here at Hogwarts. He always excelled at potion making and even came up with some of his own back in the days of their youth. He had always been such a talented Wizard and she admired that in him.

“Are you lost?” Said a deep, silky voice from the shadows.

She was suddenly snapped back into reality. Gosh he really hadn’t changed, lurking in the darkness, sneaking up on her and catching her off guard.

“Sev” she exclaimed! “You startled me!”

“Humph, lost in your thoughts as usual, Professor Soleil” he smirked, “you don’t get to call me by that name anymore.” And he walked off, cloak billowing behind him, leaving her there, jaw open and heart racing.

Oh, he was bitter all right. She could feel his bitterness cut into her heart like a sharp knife. She did deserve it, in a way; to leave him like that and not speak to him again. It was wrong but at the time its what was best for her fragile heart. At the time, she had felt as though he deserved it. She knew that being here again at Hogwarts with him, she would have to find a way to explain herself, to get him to let her back in. That would be her mission. She made her way up to the Astronomy Tower, where her chambers were, all the way, lost in her thoughts of the past that she didn’t even notice the pair of eyes watching her in the darkness.

It was Monday, the first day of classes for this term. Sarai was both nervous and excited to be teaching for the first time. Her father, Etoile Soleil, came from a long line of gypsy witches. They studied the moon and stars for centuries and were guided by forces far beyond the reach of the simple, muggle mind. She spent her earliest years traveling in the caravan with her Gypsy Family and learning the language of the Heavens. She really should be teaching Divination as a skilled Master of The Cards but that position, unfortunately, was already taken; Unfortunately for the students.

She was ravenous as she made her way to the Great Hall for breakfast, quickly scanning the room for a shroud of black. Ha! Spotted! He always stood out as he had a way of dominating a room without even saying anything at all. Sarai quickly walked down the rows of students, the buzz of morning chatter in the air, and made her way up to the staff table to take the empty seat next to Severus.

“Humph”, he scoffed! “What do you want Soleil?” he asked harshly, barely looking up at her.

“I’m just here for breakfast Severus, just like everyone else. That okay with you?” she asked sweetly.

“Humph” he turned to stare into his porridge, not eating it.

“Sev…er Severus? Could we maybe get together and talk later? I’ve got a bottle of ‘89 Elven Red just begging to be opened!” she pleaded.

“Are you trying to persuade me with libations, Professor Soleil? Anyways...” he hesitated before saying, in a voice that was smooth as silk, which made the blow feel even harder, “there’s nothing to talk about.” He then sprang to his feet and stormed out of the great oak doors, cloak billowing behind him.

When breakfast was finally over, Sarai made her way back to her chambers to prepare for her first Astronomy Class. She was going to get through to him eventually. They couldn’t go on this way forever if they were going to be colleagues now.

“Good Morning Professor Soleil” said Harry cheerily as he passed her in the corridor.

Merlin, he looked exactly like James, with Lily’s eyes of course. It was going to kill Severus to see him every day, she thought.

“Harry Potter, you look just like your father, I mean the resemblance is uncanny, except for your eyes, you do have your mothers eyes” she smiled back at him.

“I-I do?” he stammered, “Y-you knew my parents?”

She smiled down at him and nodded, she wouldn’t have him as a student until his 6th year, unless Trelawney suddenly gave up the Divination position. She was a hack anyways! Sarai pondered that and chuckled silently as she climbed the stairs to the Astronomy Tower.

Severus stormed into the beginner’s potions classroom, for effect of course.

“There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don’t expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion making. However, for those select few who possess the predisposition (he glanced at the Malfoy boy), I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory and even put a stopper in death…”

This was the perfect time to put the new _celebrity_ in his place he thought, smirking his signature smirk. And he did just that!

“Note that five points will be take from Gryffindor, for your classmates cheek.”

How dare he be so arrogant and rude? He knew the boy would be just like his stupid father.

The students were now working silently on their essays on how to brew “Cure for Boils”; the quiet was a nice break from the mindless chatter of the first years. His mind immediately wandered to breakfast this morning. What was wrong with that ridiculous woman? Really, after all this time, now she wants to talk!?

“Humph” escaped his lips.

Some of the students dared to glance up at him and he glared back. Dunderheads! He easily drifted back into his thoughts trying to forget about Sarai, damn it. Still, after all this time, she had a way with him. He never expected her to ever come to teach at Hogwarts, after all he had heard she had moved back to California all those years ago and had been living like a muggle there ever since, not missing him, obviously. He really didn’t ever think he’d see her again. What would bring her back to England anyways and why couldn’t he stop thinking about her?

“Damn it, Albus!’ he swore under his breath.


	2. The Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween and there's a troll in the dungeon. Severus continues to give Sarai the cold-shoulder while we get another teeny tiny glimpse into their past.

It was the eve of the Halloween Feast and the Great Hall was full of swarms of live black bats fluttering from the walls and ceiling and the chatter of excited students, when suddenly, Quirell burst in announcing, “T-t-troll in the dungeon!” before collapsing on the cold stone floor like a coward. Dumbledore issued great purple firecrackers from the end of his wand and there was immediate silence.

“Prefects, lead your houses back to the dormitories immediately!” he shouted.

In her peripheral, Sarai saw Severus sneak out a side door, unnoticed by anyone else but her; she thought that was odd and immediately followed, keeping a safe distance so as not to be spotted. She followed him all the way up to the third floor corridor, having to almost jog to keep up with his long, quick strides and watched as he slipped behind the door where she knew her uncle had hidden the Philosophers Stone.

“Hm” she thought. “What is he up to?”

She stayed hidden behind a statue and waited quietly for him to emerge and when he did, she noticed that his pants were torn and his leg bloodied.

“Was he trying to steal the stone?” she wondered to herself. “He wouldn’t do that, would he?”

No, Albus trusted him and well, so did she, actually. She knew there had to be another explanation and she would make sure to confront him about it later. For now, she continued to follow him as he limped down towards the first floor girl’s bathroom where they caught up with Minerva. Sarai noticed that Quirell was coming up on the rear looking extremely nervous and made a mental note to revisit that thought later. When they arrived, they found none other than Harry Potter and his new friends, or partners in crime, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.

“Jeez, how many Weasley’s were there”, she thought.

The golden trio had heroically defeated a twelve-foot mountain troll all on their own.

“Hm, an odd bunch of first years take on a full grown, mountain troll. Harry really was turning out to be quite like his father, up to no good!” thought Sarai as her mind wandered back to her days as a student here.

Severus turned abruptly to leave the bathroom and Sarai snapped out of it and quickly followed behind, but he always seemed to be one step ahead of her, which was really rather annoying.

“What do you want Soleil?” he asked, irritably, stopping but not turning around as she caught up to him.

“What were you doing on the third floor corridor?” she asked in an accusatory tone.

“Oh, so you’re following me now? I really don’t see how that’s any of your business Professor Soleil!” he snapped back.

“The Philosophers Stone _is_ my business, Severus. You’d better not be up to something!” she whispered loudly.

“Or what Sarai!” he snapped back. “Are you going to run to old Uncle Albus and _tattle_ on me?” he mocked.

Sarai crossed her arms and glared at him. “You’re injured Severus” she said as she glanced down at the bleeding wound on his leg which he quickly tried to hide. Please, let me take a look at it”

He looked into her eyes and saw the genuine concern and realized she really wasn’t playing any games, she actually wanted to help him and he allowed it, although, reluctantly and he’d probably have to scold himself later for letting her in, even just a little. He was bleeding pretty badly after all and he really didn’t want to have to fumble some sort of explanation to Madam Pomfrey.

Sarai followed the brooding professor to his chambers where she was surprised to actually be invited in. It was dark and damp like the rest of the dungeon and he immediately magicked a fire into the stone hearth, warming the room in an instant and giving it a soft, eerie glow.

“Right, let me see your leg” Sarai demanded. She lifted up his tattered pant leg to reveal what must be a painful wound. It was still bleeding pretty heavily as it had dripped down his leg and onto his boots and she placed a clean, damp cloth over it to sop up some of the mess and helped him out of his shoes.

“OUCH!” he winced.

“Oh, don’t be such a baby, Severus!” Sarai chuckled.

She interlocked her thumbs and placed both hands about six inches over his wound and he immediately felt warmth, like sweet breath blowing gently into it, caressing it like a soft kiss. He glanced down and saw that the wound was slowly starting to dry around the edges and grow smaller and less painful by the second. She really had grown very powerful, he thought. She was a natural healer, always had been and had obviously mastered the very skilled art of wandless magic. Merlin, she was radiant, he couldn’t help but notice that, especially at this distance, but it didn’t change the fact that he was still angry with her.

“You may go now,” he said coldly.“

Sarai looked up at him unapologetically. “Are you for real Sev? I just healed you and you are kicking me out?” she snapped.

“I told you not to call me that!” he said sternly. “What did you think Sarai, that you’d preform a simple little healing charm on me and all would be forgiven?” he glared at her.

Sarai glared right back at him until he quickly looked away and walked towards the door. She put her arm out to stop him and said “don’t worry, I’ll see myself out!” and she was gone, the door slamming behind her and echoing loudly throughout the quiet dungeon.

For Merlin’s sake! He really did want to let her in, to talk to her, to embrace her, but his pride was getting the best of him. Surely she had a good explanation for ghosting him, right? He really never thought he would see her again. Why now? Why did Albus bring her here? If only she could heal his cold, broken heart as effortlessly as that wound. His mind wandered…

*

_“Professor Dumbledore, have you seen Sarai? I’ve searched the entire castle for her. “ Severus pleaded._

_Albus looked at the boy, well, he was a young man now and he no longer had to look down to meet his eyes. “She’s gone, Severus.” He said with pity in his voice._

_“Gone?” he asked, quizzically._

_“She and her family had to leave for California last night, they wont be returning. Etoile was hired as the Divination professor at Ilvermorny and they wanted to get settled before the start of next term.”_

_Severus didn’t hear anything after “they won’t be returning.” How could she leave without telling him, without saying goodbye? He quickly ran back to the Slytherin Common Room and began to furiously compose a letter to his friend, the pain in his heart pouring out into every word, tears flowing from his eyes to the parchment, splattering some of the ink._

_*_

A single tear rolled gently down Sarai’s cheek as she exited Severus’ chambers. He had become such a cold and bitter man and she couldn’t help but to think she was partly to blame for that. She knew that he had had a tough life and she also knew that he had put his faith into the wrong man. Luckily he had a change of heart and Albus took him in like a son when The Dark Lord was defeated, when their best friend was killed, when Harry lived. Sarai quickly ducked into an unlocked door and immediately burst into tears. She let herself sob quietly, for Lily and James, for Harry, for her own parents, for Severus and for herself.

She must have been totally lost in thought as she seemed completely unaware of the fact that he was just a few paces behind her, and he hoped that she wouldn’t turn around. He was surprised that he actually felt kind of bad for letting her leave that way and was curious as to where she was going and also, although he didn’t want to admit it, wanted to make sure that she was okay. He saw her duck into an abandoned classroom and close the door behind her. He quietly pressed his ear to the door and he heard her begin to sob, a sound that he had not heard in a long time but one that he was familiar with nonetheless. Severus’ jaw dropped open. He was angry with her but he really never meant to make her cry. Perhaps he was a bit harsh with her. Hearing her sobs echoing through the door really tugged at his heartstrings. Ugh! He hated that she could still make him feel this way! He left her, still sobbing behind the door, and stormed off back to his chambers. He couldn’t allow himself to go soft for her, not after everything.

Sarai’s tears started to taper off; she wiped her eyes on her sleeve and cracked the door open to check if the coast was clear. She saw that it was and quickly made her way out of the classroom and down the long corridor back towards her chambers. She climbed the spiraling stairs up to the astronomy tower, and another small staircase up to her chambers. She was as far away from Severus as she could possibly be in this castle. She looked at the stack of parchment on her desk and suddenly remembered she had about a million essays to grade. This easily took her mind off of Severus for a good three hours until there was a knock on the door that startled her out of her concentration. For a moment, she thought it might be him, come to apologize but when she opened the door she had to chuckle at herself for even having that thought.

“Oh, hello Uncle Albus, what brings you here at this hour?” she said, glancing down at the timepiece she always carried in her pocket, a gift from her father.

“I wanted to see how you were settling in, how everything is going?” Albus stared at her with his genuine blue eyes. He was as close to a father as she had now.

“Its definitely a bit of nostalgia being back here.” She said as she waved him inside. “Classes are going well. I really love my students although I’m still getting the hang of teaching, luckily they are patient with me” she chuckled. “Severus hates me. He should hate me. I had my reasons for doing what I did though. Maybe I was wrong, I don’t know, it felt right at the time” her eyes glistened.

Albus placed his hands firmly upon her shoulders and said, “I am absolutely sure that you are a fantastic teacher, Sarai, I would not have invited you here if I doubted your teaching abilities for one minute, and as for Severus…he’ll come around.” He winked, which caused Sarai to blush slightly and smile. At that, he kissed her on the forehead and was gone just as quickly as he had appeared.

Sarai yawned. It was getting late and she had to be on time, for once, to breakfast in the morning. She changed into an oversized black T-Shirt with a green, silkscreen snake on the front, an old shirt of Sev’s that she had slept in every single night since he had given it to her all those years ago. She tossed and turned all night, flashbacks of her parents being tortured right before her eyes as she hid behind a false wall in their home; nightmares that she had endured every single night since that dreadful day. She awoke suddenly, sweating and panting, tears in her eyes, she would have to see if Severus would loan her the ingredients to brew a dreamless sleep potion, otherwise she was going to be a walking zombie the rest of this term!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time we go to Hogsmeade and things may or may not get a little steamy. Stay tuned for Chapter 3.


	3. Hogsmeade.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sev and Sarai get paired up to accompany the older students into Hogsmeade for the final trip before the winter holidays. Things take an odd turn when Sarai has to sneak Severus back into the castle which leads to an intimate moment between the two old friends. We also get to see a little more into each of their minds.

Sarai awoke with the sun, rubbing her eyes, still groggy from her lack of sleep the night before, she had run out of her dreamless sleep potion and she didn’t want to bother Severus for more ingredients, she’d have to get her own. He had already scolded her for taking it every night, due to its long-term effects. She stretched her arms straight up into the air and linked her hands together to make the stretch deeper, and reluctantly rolled out of bed. It was no use attempting to go back to sleep at this point. She wasn’t really a creature of habit, like Severus was, but there were some things she attempted doing consistently. She splashed water on her face to wake herself up, brushed her teeth and put a kettle on for tea, she liked Earl Grey in the morning with coconut milk, a dash of lavender simple syrup and a splash of coconut cream; They called it a London Fog in the States, well this was her version, anyways, she had a habit of doing things her own way. After smudging her space with white sage, rose petals and eucalyptus, she magicked a few singing bowls of various sizes and materials, to start playing themselves, poured her cup of tea and then got into easy pose, took a deep breath in through her nose and breathed out through her nose and went deep into her daily Kriya.

There wasn’t much natural sunlight that made its way into the dungeons but Severus awoke at 7am like clockwork every morning, even on the weekends, regrettably. He was a creature of the night much like Sarai, often roaming the castle late at night when everyone else was asleep, happy to volunteer for midnight rounds but he was also early to rise. He usually only slept for four or five hours each night, plagued by nightmares of torture and death, innocent people that he let die, that he could not save, not even if he wanted to. For a while he didn’t want to but he had changed his ways and he was paying for it every day of his life. He conjured up a pot of coffee and poured himself a steaming mug, he took it black, and sat down at his desk to fine tune the method for a new potion he was working on. Severus was always caught up in his work, he took it seriously and it also kept him busy enough to take his mind off of the things that he was haunted by day in and day out, to take his mind off of Lily, to take his mind off of Sarai Soleil.

This fine Saturday afternoon, Severus and Sarai had been “randomly” paired up to chaperone the trip into Hogsmeade with the older students. Albus was definitely up to something, she thought. Minerva was probably in on it too, what with the way she always seemed to smile with her eyes whenever she saw the two of them together, it was getting rather annoying, actually, and she was sure that Severus probably noticed it too. This was the last Hogsmeade trip before the Christmas Holidays and she really wanted to pick up a few more gifts for some of her friends back in California as well as find something special for Severus that he wouldn’t absolutely hate.

Winters in England were brutal! She would never get used to the cold, not with that warm California sunshine running hot through her veins. She missed the ocean, Merlin, she missed the ocean and the relatively mild winters but Hogwarts was always a sort of second home for her and she would never forget that and it was home now, brutal winter and all and she wasn’t mad about it. She slipped on a pair of thick, fleece lined, black leggings, a dark purple camisole, long sleeved, black, fitted fleece lined shirt, an oversized black tunic and wrapped a gold Concho belt around her waist. She slipped into the thickest pair of knee-high socks she could find and laced up her black, knee high Doc Martens. She was finally beginning to feel a bit cozier but before she walked out the door she wrapped a thick gray wool scarf around her neck and slipped on her calf length deep purple, worn in leather coat that she had been wearing since she was sixteen. She rummaged through her drawers and found a pair of grey mittens that her mother had hand knitted for her, a matching hat with flaps to keep her ears warm and then, finally her heavy purple crushed velvet winter cloak. She put on a pair of dream catcher earrings that she had made herself and was out the door, headed to the main entrance to round up the chattering students. 

“ I think Severus only has, like, one outfit” Sarai chuckled silently to herself. It didn’t matter what time of year it was, he always wore black trousers, black coat, black cravat, billowing cloak and lots and lots and…well, just copious amounts of buttons and somehow he always managed to look so utterly and effortlessly handsome. Today he was wearing a thick black scarf to warm himself from the winter chill and a full length, thick black wool coat under his cloak with, you guessed it, about a million more buttons. He always kept himself so buttoned in, both literally and metaphorically speaking. Sarai was the only person that he had ever ‘let in’ after Lily stopped being friends with him. She knew him better and more intimately than anyone else ever would, although she wasn’t sure he’d ever trust her again. She knew that her leaving him the way that she did caused him to be even more shut off from society, even more of a recluse and even more bitter and brooding than he already was. Albus had assured her that it wasn’t her fault that he turned dark, that it was a path he was headed down anyways and she tried to accept that. She didn’t even really know him anymore, but she could see that he hadn’t really changed much. She knew that he had done things he was not proud of. She also knew that Albus had been keeping something from her for many years and she knew that it had to do with Severus. They had some sort of secret between only them and she wondered what it was. She wondered if Severus would ever tell her. She gave up on trying to get it out of Albus. She knew it was probably none of her business but anything concerning Severus felt like it should be. She thought it must be something dangerous and she just hoped, whatever it was that he would be able to protect himself or that she would somehow be able to protect him, if anything, from himself.

She shook herself out of her head and approached the waiting man.

“Sev..uh..Severus, you’re looking very cozy this afternoon” she stated non-chalantly.

“Sarai, you’re looking…odd, as usual” he smirked.

“Ha-ha, I’ll take that as a compliment” “The snow is so beautiful but it’s—“

“Too cold.” He finished.

She grinned. He could still finish her sentences after all this time and for that she was grateful, for that she knew there was a glimmer of hope, a connection that would never be lost and she wouldn’t give up on trying to get through to him, to explain her side of the story and this trip might be a good place to start. He seemed to be in good spirits today, well what appeared to be good spirits for him. Maybe he had gotten laid. No…no…she couldn’t stand to think about him with anyone else! She shook the thought out of her head.

Severus extended his arm and Sarai naturally looped hers through it, he was ever the gentleman, even though he was definitely still angry with her. Touching him again felt so good, being this close, his presence instantly warming her. Just feeling the shape of his arm intertwined with hers. It made her feel things she hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Are you ready?” She asked him.

“I suppose,” he answered, “ready as I’ll ever be”. And they walked that way, arm in arm, through the snow, at the rear of the group in order to keep eyes on everyone, Sarai forgetting the cold in that moment, forgetting everything really, save for the company she was in.

She had to admit, she loved him. She still loved him after all this time, even though she knew he would never get over Lily. Maybe he just would never forgive himself for Lily.

 _“I don’t want your help, filthy mudblood!”_ and he lost her forever _._ Sarai remembered it like it was yesterday. She couldn’t believe that those words even came from his lips. She knew that he had loved Lily from the first day that she had met them on the Hogwarts Express. They had known each other since they were very young, as they both grew up in Spinners End. Well, that day, she literally watched Lily walk out of his life and Severus’ heart turn into cold, hard, steel all because of his own pride and jealousy, not to mention, James Potter and Sirius Black were giant bullies and would never give Severus a break. Stupid boys. They were just jealous of each other, always jealous. He confided in Sarai during that time. He leaned on her, he cried to her, he really went through an emotional roller coaster with her and she stood, unwavering in her friendship and her moral support. She was everything for him, until she wasn’t.

When they arrived in Hogsmeade, the students broke off to head to their favorite shoppes, Zonkos, Honeydukes and of course Butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks where the Professors knew that Madam Rosmerta would have a sharp eye on them. Severus released her arm from his and as he did the tips of his gloved fingers grazed her hand and she felt that rush of blood, that electric spark, the flutter of magic. She felt it the first time his hand ever touched hers, when they were 11 and she felt it still, now. She missed him so much but she knew that he needed time to process things and to work things out in his head first, if she knew him at all, and she did.

“I have some Christmas shopping to do but would you like to meet up at the Three Broomsticks in about an hour or so to grab a butterbeer and catch up?” Sarai asked a stone-faced Severus. He was always so good at hiding his emotions and it was extremely frustrating.

“I don’t see how it would do either of us any good, Professor Soleil,” he stated plainly. We have had no relationship for the last twelve years, you know, after you left the country without so much as a whisper,” he stared at her blankly. 

“Please don’t be so formal with me Severus and please give me a chance to explain, I need you to hear me Sev,” she pleaded.

Ha!” he scoffed. “And where were you when I needed you? What about all of the owls I sent you, begging you to explain? What’s the point now, Sarai? We are merely colleagues, we have to work together but that doesn’t mean we have to like it.” He said without ever raising his voice; he didn’t have to, as the effect was the same. Sarai’s eyes began to water and she turned on her heel and stormed off towards the shrieking shack where she knew she could release her tears without an audience. She knew she deserved his cold reply but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Severus stood frozen to the spot, tight lipped and unwavering as he watched her walk swiftly away, her purple cloak billowing behind her. He wanted more than anything to hold her, to wipe her tears away, to have a friend again, someone who understood him, but she showed him that no one is ever loyal to him, no matter how much he believed she would be different. How could he just pick back up where they left off, like nothing ever happened, like twelve years hadn’t passed? He wasn’t the same person anymore, he had done terrible things that he was not proud of and what excuse could she possibly have for leaving things the way that she did? When she finally disappeared from his view, he turned and headed towards the Hog’s Head, he needed a drink to settle his nerves and to quiet the flutter in his heart.

Before he knew it, Severus had polished off a bottle of fire-whisky. Great, he was going to be sacked for becoming inebriated on the job and all because he was afraid to show his true feelings, afraid to let her back in, afraid of what could happen to her if he let her back in. He stumbled out of the Hog’s Head, clutching the side of the building for support, stumbling his way down the quickly darkening alley, cursing at himself all the way.

Sarai dried her tears on the hem of her tunic and made her way back down to the village. She easily found the gifts she wanted to give to her muggle friends back home, gifts that were magical without being obvious, which left only one more. She had saved the most difficult for last and she knew that she would know it when she saw it but she didn’t know what ‘it’ was yet. Severus was the most difficult man to shop for, not only because he basically hated her but also he really wasn’t too keen on the holidays and it was very hard to tell weather he liked something or not as he was never one to flamboyantly express his emotions. “Jeez, he was so buttoned in!” she thought. She strolled along the snow-covered path for a while, peering in store windows and ducking into some of the more interesting looking shoppes. Sarai got lost in a daydream and almost stumbled over her own feet when she came across a shoppe she had never noticed before; a small, narrow shoppe that almost seemed to have squeezed itself in between two larger and busier shoppes. She opened the small oak door and heard the little jingle of bells as she closed it behind her.

“Good day young lady” squeaked a tiny man perched on a stool behind the counter, “anything I can help you find?” He asked.

“Well, I’m not entirely sure what it is I’m looking for but if its here, I’ll know it when I see it.” Sarai stated politely.

She made her way around the store, fingering different gemstones, lockets, barrels of herbs and silk tapestries, she had a thing for textures, and that’s when, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a small display case. She walked over to it and it was like a spotlight came shining out of the sky, illuminating what was inside the case. Inside the case were two objects that had ‘Severus Snape’ written all over them: a beautiful, thick, leather-bound black journal and a subtly elegant black raven feather quill.

“I see you found the thing you were looking for. I can engrave that for you if you’d like,” squeaked the old man, startling Sarai out of her trance.

“Yes…that would be fantastic.” She hummed.

With a wave of his wand, the tiny man quickly engraved ‘Potions’ on to the front cover in a complex, yet understated font that would suit him perfectly, and ‘Severus Snape’ down the spine in matching silver lettering. She paid the man for her treasures, slid them into the inside pocket of her robes, politely thanked him and quietly made her way out of the shoppe and back on to the street.

It was starting to get dark. Sarai let the students she passed know that they should start heading back towards the castle. She made her way through the crowds; Hogsmeade was especially crowded during the holidays, and kept her eyes peeled for a dark, looming figure and greasy black hair. He was nowhere to be found and she started to feel a sense of panic in her gut. She picked up her pace and darted her eyes around from shoppe to shoppe to dark corner. That’s when she peered down the alley near the Hogs Head and saw a dark figure stumble out of the doors and clutch at the wall. She watched as he stumbled towards her and her eyes told her brain who it was. She walked quickly (avoided running so as to not draw attention) towards his shadowy, clumsy figure and grabbed his waist as he stumbled into her.

“Fancy meeting you here” he slurred in that buttery drawl, his breath reeking of fire-whisky.

“Sevy, you’re drunk,” she whispered harshly. “Oh, why are you drunk?” she mumbled under her breath. It was so out of character for Severus to lose his inhibitions.

“I am a loser and a failure” he said, “that’s why. And didn’t I tell you not to call me those stupid pet names anymore, Professor?” he said facetiously.

“Severus, please, please just let me help you get back to the castle. Please don’t fight me on this.” She spoke softly.

“Alrig’ Sarai” she heard the door behind her open and a familiar, scruffy voice.

“Hagrid!” she almost screamed. “I am so happy to see you! Can you please finish rounding up the students and get them safely back to the castle for me?” He eyed the both of them suspiciously. “I can handle this Hagrid, please? I cant let him lose his job over this’” she pleaded, “Please don’t say anything to anyone”.

“You got it Sarai, anything for ya,” he said jollily. “And you don’t give her any trouble, ya hear me Snape?” Severus glared at the half giant; he never could stand him, he was just too friendly and jolly for Severus’ liking but Dumbledore trusted him, Sarai trusted him.

“Let’s go this way” she grabbed him by the waist and led him around the long way while he clung on to her with his arm draped around her neck, so as to give Hagrid and the students a head start back to the castle. Severus stumbled and slurred his words, tripped over his feet and almost toppled over as Sarai caught him under the arms.

“You’re a mess Severus! What were you thinking?!” she questioned sternly. “

I wasn’t thinking, “he said. “No, I was thinking too much,” he corrected. “I’ve been thinking too much ever since you burst through those doors to the Great Hall,” he admitted.

“I didn’t burst!” she giggled.

“You did! You burst back into my life and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.” He sighed. “What am I supposed to do with that, Rai? Damn it! What do I do with you?” he bowed his head and sobbed.

That was the first time in over twelve years that he had called her by that nickname and she beamed at that. She took his hands in hers, quieting his sobs and said, “I don’t know Sevy but please start with listening to my side of things. After that, if you still don’t want anything to do with me, well, at least I’ll have had a chance to explain myself.” She pleaded.

“Fiiiiiiinnnneeeeee.” He whined.

Sarai gave his hands a light squeeze as she smiled at his defeat and took him about the waist as she continued to lead him back to the castle. She was finally able to sneak the stumbling, slurring, Slytherin in through the front doors, which was no easy feat, mind you, as he was much taller than her. Luckily the coast was clear and she was able to sneak him down to the dungeons and into his Study, which led to his chambers. Once she had him inside, she waved her wand and lit some candles as well as a fire in the hearth. She started a steamy bath and expertly undid all of his buttons with trained hands. She peeled each layer off one by one, as he stood there, naked and vulnerable before her, skin glistening in the moonlight, allowing her to undress him. Nothing she hadn’t seen before. He looked good though; he had grown up very, _very_ nicely. His skin was so soft yet it was laced with scars from battles that she knew would forever haunt him. She dragged her fingertips gently over each and every scar as if each one was telling her its story. She felt him begin to grow and pulled away, she absolutely would not take advantage of him in his drunken stupor, especially when she knew how he still felt about what she had done. She scanned his potion-lined shelves and found the sober up potion, popped out the cork, forced his jaw open and poured it down his throat. He swallowed reluctantly. She didn’t want to have to do it but she knew he would appreciate it later. She placed her warm hands on his bare chest and pecked him there lightly, a sweet intimate moment before what she knew would come next. Severus suddenly started to dry-heave, a result of the potion, and she helped him over to the porcelain toilet just before it was too late. She gathered his hair in a ponytail as he got down to his knees and she gently caressed his back up and down as he violently released the contents of his stomach. When he had finally stopped heaving, she kissed the back of his head, placed a cool cloth on the back of his neck, flushed the toilet and allowed him to briefly rest his head in the crook of her neck before she slowly got him to his feet. She conjured a glass of water and then poured another potion into his mouth that he gargled and spit out. That one was to save his breath! Sarai continued to gently stroke his back as she led him, naked, into the pleasantly warm, claw foot tub that she had lined with amethyst and scented with calming lavender, soothing sandalwood and healing Epsom salts. She let him soak and relax in the tub as she washed his hair, massaging his scalp and running her fingers through his long black strands to the ends and back up to his scalp before gently rinsing the soap out. She then took extra care to coat his wet locks in a conditioner that would soften his hair and leave it fluffy and manageable in the morning. After about thirty minutes in the tub, Severus’ eyelids were beginning to look heavy and dark. Sarai let the water out and helped him out of the tub as the water drained around him. He was no longer drunk and stumbling but still very out of it, the potion had done its job. She wondered how coherent he was as she led him over to his bed.

He turned to her with his black orbs glistening, “I’m sorry,” he said, slightly blushing and looking ashamed as Sarai helped him into his sleeping robes.

“Me too” she whispered, never taking her eyes off of him. She helped him to lie down and get cozy under the blankets, wishing she could climb in and curl up next to him with her head nuzzled in her favorite place.

“Thank you—for—looking after me Sarai” he sighed, with his cool hand upon her cheek. “Thank you so much.” He laid his head down and almost instantly fell asleep but not before blinking his eyes open wide and saying coyly, you realize you just saw me naked?”

Sarai chuckled, “Sev, I have seen you naked plenty of times, we used to—“

“Shhhh.” He put his finger to her lip as he shushed her and closed his eyes.

Sarai sighed as her entire body shuddered at his touch, she wanted to part her lips and take his finger into her mouth, tease it with her tongue, but instead she kissed his forehead and watched him sleep for a couple of hours, making sure he was okay and didn’t have any after effects from the potion. She never took her eyes off of him. He was so peaceful when he slept, snoring ever so lightly. He still made her heart ache and she wondered if anything would ever change between them. Once she was confident that he would make it through the rest of the night alone, she kissed his forehead gently, made sure he was bundled up properly, glanced at him one last time and quietly slipped out of his chambers. She would send him an owl in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and thanks for the kudos! I really struggled with wether or not Sarai should be aware of Severus' secret or not but in the end I decided that her not knowing would create more conflict leading to a more interesting story.


	4. The Talk.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter begins the morning after Severus' drunken escapade. Will he remember anything? We finally get a little bit of a clue as to what happened between Severus and Sarai all those years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a teensy, weensy, itsy bit of smut in this chapter. You have been warned. enjoy!

Severus rolled over lazily and opened his eyes, rubbing the sleep from the corners. He groaned deeply as he massaged his temples and tried to remember what had happened last night. He glanced over at his bedside table and saw a tiny glass bottle with a handwritten note that said, “Drink this in the morning”. Merlin’s Beard, he had gotten sloshed! Bits and pieces of memory were suddenly flooding his mind. Did anyone see him in his sorry state? Fuzzy images of Sarai appeared in his head and his jaw slowly started to drop. That was Sarai’s writing on the note, he’d know it anywhere; Sarai was here last night, oh what happened? He thought to himself. His chambers still smelled of her, light and airy with notes of Rose Petals and Patchouli, he breathed her in. He vaguely remembered being naked before her. He closed his eyes and scolded himself for his indiscretion. He glanced at his pocket watch on the bedside table and saw that it was already eleven o’clock in the morning. He had slept through breakfast! At least it was Sunday and breakfast in the Great Hall was not mandatory today. He wasn’t ready to face anyone, especially not Sarai.

_Tap, tap, tap._

There was a rapping at the only window in his dungeon chamber, which was large and sat over the small writing desk. Severus glared at the disturbance as he looked up to see an owl with something heavy attached to its leg. The window made an awful creak as he magicked it open; obviously it wasn’t used very often. He reached up to untie the parcel from the creatures leg as he absent mindedly scratched the owls head and fed it a small, dead mouse from his stores while he eyed the oddly shaped parcel suspiciously. The owl cooed, finished its offerings and flew off back to the owlry. He closed the window and slowly tore the brown paper off of what appeared to be a steaming bowl of homemade roasted chicken soup, his favorite. It smelled like home, he noticed as he breathed in the intoxicating blend of herbs and spices, the house elves certainly did not make this for him, why would they? He noticed that there was a note that had slipped out of the parcel onto the stone floor and he picked it up and read…

  
_Dearest Severus,_

 _I hope you will kindly accept my offering of homemade soup to_ _soothe your soul as well as your stomach. I am so sorry for what I_ _had to do last night but please know that I was only trying to help_ _you. I hope that you awoke refreshed and renewed and ready to face_ _the day. I just wanted you to know that I will always be here for you,_ _even if you hate me, I will never let you get hurt or hurt yourself. I_ _just_ _wanted you to know that. Enjoy the soup!_

_Yours,  
_ _Sarai_

 _  
_ _P.S. Don’t worry, nothing happened last night._

Severus folded up the note and hid it inside of his pillowcase, the faintest hint of a smile tugging at his lips. She always seemed to know what he was thinking, even after all of the years apart. He drank his potion and wondered how she was always so positive, after everything she had been through? He thought back to the night prior and vaguely remembered vomiting the entire contents of his stomach; She must have given him Sober-Up Potion, smart girl and what he just drank must have been hangover cure. He summoned a spoon from his small kitchenette and took a steaming spoonful of Sarai’s homemade chicken soup into his mouth; she must have charmed it to stay hot. Merlin’s beard, he had forgotten what an amazing cook she was, he thought she must be sneaking into the kitchens again as she often did when they were students. Surely the house elves were glad to see her back; they always seemed to enjoy cleaning up her messes. She always treated them with such dignity. Sarai was all heart, always had been, and he could taste it in this steaming potion of hers. He closed his eyes and saw her face, he saw her big amber eyes looking up at him longingly and he remembered what he had agreed to after much persistence from his old friend. He put his head in his hands, elbows on the table and sighed long and deep. She was so beautiful and he was so sloshed that he could not resist her pleas to let her explain herself to him. Well, if anything it would be an interesting story to say the least, knowing Sarai. The soup did exactly as it was intended and he felt much more clear-headed. He showered, dressed carefully, mindful that he would be seeing Sarai later, and went up to his study to finish grading the advanced potions essays that he promised to return to his students on Monday.

Sarai paced her chambers in the Astronomy Tower, she wondered if he was awake yet and hoped that her owl didn’t startle him. It was eleven o’ clock and he wasn’t at breakfast. Good thing today wasn’t mandatory, she thought. She figured he was still passed out from his little episode the night before; she definitely had given him a heavy-handed dose of Sober-Up Potion. She snorted; her being back in the castle sure was making him very flustered. She silently hoped that he was finally awake now and eating the soup that she had so lovingly prepared for him, she really wanted him to feel better, she felt so bad for having to induce vomiting last night but it was the only way to save him from himself. She wanted to go to him, to head down to the dungeons to check on him but she didn’t want to push her luck or test his patience. Last night they shared a really intimate moment with each other, which hadn’t happened since they were seventeen. Sarai closed her eyes and smiled and remembered the first time they experienced that type of intimacy with each other.

_Sarai was assisting Severus in a new potion he was working on. They were in the Room of Requirement, the only place where they could have some privacy from prying eyes; it was 20 April 1975, Sarai’s fifteenth birthday. She loved being his ‘assistant’ she stared at him with her big yellow eyes as he carefully added each ingredient with the sort of patience and focus that you would handle a newborn baby or a delicate flower. She considered herself lucky to get to experience his brilliance; She was watching a true master at work and she admired him. She watched as he added the final ingredient, crushed Hippogriff feathers; he stirred clockwise three times and counter-clockwise twice and then once more clockwise; there was a poof of violet smoke that lingered for a minute before it dissipated._

_“Come look Sarai” Severus called to her._

_She walked over to the cauldron and peered in before looking back up at him, wide-eyed. “It’s—It’s—“ she stuttered, breathless._

_“It’s the whole entire universe” he smiled that sly smile that she was so familiar with. “I know how you love to look at the stars.”_

_Tears rolled slowly out of the corners of her eyes and down her cheek. Nobody had ever done anything that sweet for her. It was actually rather romantic, especially for Severus, and they had never been more than just friends, although her heart had been his as long as she could remember. It was their fifth year at Hogwarts and they had become the best of friends, practically joined at the hip, especially since his falling out with Lily. It helped that they were in the same house. They had been coming here all year to sneak away and make potions that weren’t taught in the course book and adjustments to those that were. Severus called himself ‘The Half-Blood Prince’ and she liked to imagine that she was his princess._

_“It wasn’t my intention to make you cry Sarai, please don’t cry,” he said as gentle as a puppy dog, so much concern in his eyes. He always treated her as though she would break, even though she was really coming into her powers and natural gifts. She wasn’t a weak witch._

_“I know Sevy, it’s just, this is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, why didn’t you tell me what you were up to?” she asked._

_“Well, if I told you it wouldn’t have been a surprise, now would it? I wanted to get you something that nobody else could ever give to you.” He said with a sly grin. “I literally wanted to give you the whole entire universe, because that’s what you deserve”, he smiled, “happy birthday Sarai” he said as a blush crept up his cheeks._

_Tears threatened to fall down her cheeks again and she was rendered speechless, for once. They were standing close, she was peering into the cauldron and their bodies were just barely touching, he felt warm next to her and she could feel her own warmth between her legs. She turned to look at him and had to tilt her head slightly back as he was much taller than her._

_“Thank you Severus,” she whispered. “It’s perfect.”_

_“You’re perfect.” He said as he brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and gently wiped her tears away with his soft thumbs. They continued to stand there, gazing into each other’s eyes as if the rest of the world and their surroundings didn’t exist. It was just the two of them, staring into each other’s souls, as he leaned closer and closer to her lips. Suddenly his face was level with hers and his mouth had found hers, his warm lips ever so gently brushed against hers. She leaned into the sweet kiss and kissed him back as he embraced her, she felt his tongue seeking entrance and she slowly parted her lips to allow it. He tasted of peppermint and black coffee, musky and herbal. She breathed him in. –_

_Knock, knock, knock._

She was startled from her daydream by a gentle rapping at her chamber door. She walked down the spiral staircase and opened it, surprised to find none other than Severus Snape standing there, expressionless, as usual.

“Severus, this is a surprise, to what do I owe the pleasure?” She teased.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” he asked, not amused at her sarcasm.

‘Wont you please come in Severus” she continued to tease. The scowl on his face was making her smile.

“Humph!” He scoffed.

Sarai giggled. “I see your feeling back to your old self.” She said with her hands on her hips.

He blushed a little and mumbled an almost inaudible “thank you.” while looking at his boots.

Sarai rolled her eyes.

Severus could not help but notice that she was very scantily clad, wearing only a pair of tight black bicycle shorts that barely covered her ample behind and a faded black t-shirt with…a green snake on it.

His breath caught in his throat. “You still wear that old shirt?” he asked, quite shocked.

Sarai smiled and winked at him, she was driving him crazy, this had to stop. 

“Let’s cut the small talk, you said you wanted to talk and in my drunken stupor I agreed to listen. I am a man of my word so here I am, talk, Sarai.” He said as he crossed his arms over his chest, subconsciously protecting his heart chakra.

The man was intimidating, damn it. She had known him since they were eleven and he still could make her feel so small. He sure as hell wasn’t that sweet innocent boy anymore. Life had been hard on him and his heart had become hard. She knew that he had made choices that he was not proud of and that he blamed himself for Lily’s death and her parent’s death as well. She knew that it wasn’t his fault directly; she knew that he had spent his life since then trying to right his wrongs, if he even could. She didn’t blame him; she never blamed him, for any of it. She wasn’t even sure if he knew that she knew what he was, or what he used to be.

“Okay Severus, but do we have to be so formal?” she asked gently so as not to annoy him. He already seemed to be in a mood.

“Can I at least make a pot of tea?”

She waved her hand and there was a fire under the cast iron kettle. She conjured two mismatched mugs and added a spoonful of Russian Black Rose Petal tea leaves to each one. The water came to a gentle boil and she poured the steaming liquid into each of the mugs allowing the tea leaves to steep for several minutes before adding a touch of honey to each one and placing a steaming mug in Severus’ hands, brushing them gently with her fingers as he took it from her.

The sensation of her skin against his sent a wave of electricity through his veins and straight to his heart. He locked eyes with her for a brief moment before he inhaled the sweet scent of the rose petals; he couldn’t believe she still drank this stuff after all these years. He felt a smile trying to tug at his lips but he wouldn’t allow it. “Well,” he asked impatiently, “I haven’t got all day.”

She wasn’t ready to tell him the whole entire truth yet but she definitely wanted to give him a few pieces of the puzzle, the edges, at least. She extended her hand towards the purple velvet chaise, inviting him to have a seat. He looked at her then looked at the chaise reluctantly, before making his way over and finally sitting down. She refilled his teacup and naturally sat in easy-pose, in the oversized paisley covered armchair directly across from him, only a small wooden coffee table separating the two.

“Sev,” she looked at him but her eyes were distant, like she was somewhere else. Perhaps lost in a memory. “Severus (she corrected herself), I know this will never be enough, it doesn’t feel like enough, but I truly am sorry for the way that I left. I was young and selfish and I didn’t think about how it would affect you. I only thought about how you had affected me and how it was best for me to just disappear. I just thought I needed to disappear and that you would just forget about me eventually––

––Did you…forget about me?”

“No.”

“How could I ever forget you? You make an impression on one’s mind, Sarai, you know you do.” He looked down at his fidgeting fingers as he said this.

“I don’t know that, well, I didn’t.” she stated slowly.

“Severus, we weren’t even really speaking at the end of our last term. I just thought—“

“That was your doing!” he interrupted. “I wanted to talk to you everyday, to confide in you, to…feel you in my arms, to know that I had a friend, someone that I trusted.” He was getting irritated.

“Yeah, a friend,” she said as she gazed into her teacup, “always a friend.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he snapped.

“It’s just, at the time, I felt that letting go of you was the right thing to do, for me. I needed to get some clarity. I needed to be near the ocean. I didn’t intend to be gone for so long its just…it’s just, well, I had heard that you were, that you had become…I thought I had lost you forever, I blamed myself, I still blame myself. Then the war happened and my parents were, well…you know. I felt so lost. I wanted to find you more than anything. I went and found all of your letters that I had refused to open before and I read them all; it took me nearly six hours straight but I read every last one of them. I missed you so much; I couldn’t let you go from my heart or my mind. The next day Albus sent me an owl letting me know about Lilly and James.” Severus froze at the mention of her name. Sarai noticed and hesitated…“I wanted to find you more than ever but I knew you didn’t want to be found. I was at their funeral, of course. I “borrowed” James’ invisibility cloak that he had lent to Albus. I knew that you must be lurking in the shadows somewhere, I felt you but I know that you didn’t want to be found and neither did I.” She looked up at him. His lips were pursed and she could tell that he had so many questions racing through his mind but he stayed quiet, staring at her, his brow furrowed, so she carried on.

Albus told me when you came back to Hogwarts; he told me that you would be the Potions Master of the school. I couldn’t have been more proud. He wanted me to come back then, begged me. He just wanted to get me out of the dark pit that had swallowed me whole. I declined his offers repeatedly but finally he convinced me to come back to England to live with him and I needed someone to lean on. He wouldn’t let up on asking me to come back here. I finally I agreed and well, here I am, here we are. I know now that he is up to something, he’s always up to something.” She shook her head.

Severus, please believe me when I tell you I didn’t intend for it to be so long. Life just kind of happened and well I just—“

“—You still love her, after all this time, don’t you?” she asked softly.

“Always.” He said, his eyes glistening.

She could feel her own tears stinging her eyes threatening to spill out of her eyelids and down her cheek.

“Severus, can we just finish this conversation later? Please just go.” She rushed him out as he just stared at her; all he could do was stare, at a loss for words. She looked so beautiful in that moment and so, so sad. He wanted to hold her but instead he turned and walked briskly away from her, embarrassed at his empathy and also for making her feel that way. He didn’t even really know what he did to upset her but he knew that life hadn’t been easy for her either. He couldn’t believe this was the third time he’d made her cry this term. She didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve her, it’s no wonder she left him without a word all those years ago. He was sure it had been easy for her to make that decision.

Severus awoke on Christmas Day well rested for once. This was his favorite time of year as most of the students went home for the holidays. He was able to use this time to actually get something meaningful done. He had scribbled notes on several pieces of parchment for new potions he wanted to create. He had so many ideas and he could really focus on them now. He conjured a cup of black coffee and started to head up to his private lab through a door in his study.

Tap Tap Tap.

There was a rapping at the frost-covered window that startled him half to death and almost caused him to spill hot coffee everywhere. He cursed at no one and went over to the window to let in a small tawny owl. He untied the parcel from the owl’s leg and rewarded it for his work. He turned the parcel over and over again in his hands. It was a gift. It was wrapped in shiny green paper with a red satin ribbon and tiny little bells that jingled when he shook the parcel. Aside from Dumbledore’s annual chocolate frog and bottle of good fire whisky, he hadn’t received a Christmas gift for some time now. He knew whom it was from before he even opened it, as he had received many gifts from her, wrapped exactly the same way, in their youth. It was a good thing that he knew since she enclosed no note or card. He sat down at the small table by the kitchenette and placed the package down in front of him and just stared at it for a while. After staring at it for about thirty minutes, he finally felt inclined to open it. He slowly undid the satin ribbon and set it on the table. He then used his fingernail to peel the tape off without tearing the paper. He removed the shiny green wrapping and gently folded it and set it on the table next to the ribbon. This revealed a wooden box about the size of a book with an intricate design. He slowly slid open the lid and what sat before him made his heart melt and his eyes start to water. He lifted out of the box a simple yet elegant black raven feather quill but what was underneath, that is what really got him. It was a black, leather-bound journal with a silver border, on the front cover was engraved “Potions” and as he turned the book in his hands he revealed that his name was engraved down the spine. His lip quivered and he tried to fight it but he couldn’t any longer. All the pent up emotion that had been eating at him all year just finally made its way out and down his cheeks. He allowed himself the release as he was in private. He couldn’t believe that after all this time; she still knew exactly what he needed. Even after all of the times he had made her cry, she was still thoughtful enough to give him a gift, the perfect gift, and he had done nothing for her except hurt her.

Severus sat in deep thought for a while. He and Sarai hadn’t really spoken since that day in her chambers. They only exchanged greetings and awkward glances every now and then. He wanted to run to her chambers now to hug her and thank her for the gift but they weren’t quite there with each other yet. Instead he sat down to write a letter to his old friend but everything came out wrong and nothing he wrote seemed to correctly express the gratitude that he still felt for her. He decided he would come back to it later, he took the neatly folded wrapping paper and ribbon and placed it in a small drawer in his desk where he kept every single piece of wrapping from every gift she had ever given him. He grabbed his new quill and journal and finally made his way to his lab where he could get some real work done and take his mind away from his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have realized that there is quite a bit of Alan in my Snape. Well, he is my muse after all and he really did make Snape who we know him to be.<3 <3<3


	5. Snape's Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarai has to talk to Severus to get things off her chest but things don't go exactly as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be some rage and violence and triggers in this chapter so if you are sensitive to that, this is your warning. Also, smuuuuuuuuutttttttt!!! enjoy :)
> 
> This is probably my favorite chapter so far, even though it's a bit intense.

Winter holidays were quickly coming to an end and Hogwarts would soon again be full of the hustle and bustle of its students, as it should be. Severus had barely spoken to her since she had rushed him out the door after their talk in her chambers but he had been a bit more cordial towards her since receiving his gift and she did notice him glancing at her from time to time, but he always looked away when she tried to make eye contact with him. She almost thought she’d seen a faint smile cross his lips briefly? This was really getting very annoying and she wondered how long it could possibly go on for. She didn’t sign her name on the gift but she had a feeling that he knew whom it was from; he was an intelligent man after all and she had always wrapped her gifts the same way, it was kind of her signature. He could be so stubborn though, damn it! She had finally convinced herself that she was going to talk to him, and it was going to happen today. She couldn’t take this treatment any longer, she’d made mistakes in her past but so had he, and how long was he going to hold it against her? Was it her fault that he became a death eater? If she had stayed, would it have made any difference? Or would he have tried to convince her to join as well? And when she refused, would they have fought? Would their relationship have been severed that way? The past just wasn’t the time for them and if he was still living in it then they had no future together either. She was going to confront him, she had to, no matter how much he fought her on it and no matter how much she wanted to cry. She would let herself cry in his presence. She didn’t care anymore if he saw her vulnerability.

Each Astronomy class seemed to drag on forever as she gave the students busy work and the only thing running through her mind was her impending conversation with her old friend. She was going over and over in her head what she wanted to say to him but she kept getting sidetracked with daydreams of the past…

_"_ _Sevy, I love kissing you,” she panted as she pulled her mouth away from his, they had been snogging for hours._

_“ I am feeling sensations in my body that I have never felt before with another person and I feel like I want you to touch me in places…places that no one else has ever touched before aside from my own hand of course. D-Do you want to touch me Severus?” she asked as they snuggled on a red velvet sofa in a hidden chamber in the Room of Requirement so as not to be discovered by any prying eyes._

_They had been sneaking in here the past few months to have major snog sessions, ever since Severus gave her the Universe and they shared their first sweet kiss. Severus blushed at Sarai’s blunt question but the growing bulge in his trousers suggested that she had definitely piqued his interest. He was so dreamy. They were both so young and innocent, both of them always with their nose in a book, him lost in his potions and her in the cards and stones. They were the perfect duo, two ambitious and cunning sixth year Slytherins. Sarai gazed longingly into Severus’ deep ebony Irises as she straddled him on the sofa, she already knew that she loved him, admired him, wanted to nuzzle her head in his chest forever, she felt it in her entire body and she knew it wasn’t just lust. If only he wasn’t still so in love with Lily, the girl who didn’t even love him back and was dating the kid that bullied him since their first year, James Potter. She felt a wave of sadness wash over her and Severus could see it in her eyes._

_“What’s the matter? He questioned._

_He knew her so well; they spent so much time together it was like they were melding into one being._

_“Nothing.” She shook her head. “It’s nothing.”_

_She leaned in towards his gently parted lips and teased his tongue with hers, eventually getting into another deep make-out session._

_“Severus,” she panted as she pulled away. “D-Do you want to touch my breasts?”_

_Severus blushed again and she could feel his arousal underneath her causing her womanhood to tingle. She pulled her shirt over her head, never leaving his gaze and placed his cool hands on her plump breasts, which caused her nipples to immediately harden. She was wearing a delicate white lace bra whose straps Severus gently slid down her soft shoulders with trembling hands, tracing his fingers slowly down her arms, causing her to shiver._

_“It’s okay Severus,” she whispered, “I trust you.”_

_That seemed to be enough encouragement for him and he gently lifted one of her plump breasts out of her bra cup and sweetly dragged his finger over her erect nipple before she felt his warm breath gently blow on it, making it even more hard than it already was which didn’t seem possible, she thought it would fall off._

_“Ah,” she moaned as she felt his entire mouth on her nipple, licking and sucking at it and teasing it ever so gently. “W-Where did you learn how to do that?” she panted._

_“I-I’m not sure” he shrugged, “I-It just feels right” he smiled up at her, sweetly, and she cupped his face in her warm hands and kissed him with all the passion in the Universe, the Universe that he had given her. She felt the flutter of magic as their tongues collided and she felt the magic flutter to places it had never been before—_

“Professor Soleil. Professor SOLEIL!?” Daphne Zukurus shouted.

Sarai snapped back to reality and almost fell off of her chair.

Daphne chuckled

“Dreaming of Prince charming again Professor Soleil?” Ratilda Pincer taunted.

“Ha ha, very funny, you’re a hilarious class, really!” Sarai joked. “Have a great weekend! Don’t forget to work on your star charts!” she shouted as the last students made their way down the spiral staircase and the door shut behind them, leaving her in the dimly lit Astronomy classroom alone with her thoughts…

_Today was the day she was finally going to tell Severus how she felt about him. They had been meeting in secret for over a year now, brewing their potions while the potions inside of them were coming to a boil. They had made love, both of them for the first time and continued to teach each other how to do it, learning together, discovering each other’s bodies, learning how to incorporate magic. Her heart ached for him when they were apart and she wondered if he felt the same way. He was never good at expressing his emotions but his body language said it all._

_They had plans for a picnic by the Black Lake today since it was Sunday and they had already finished all of their homework, as usual. The day was overcast but Severus liked it that way. They sat down by their favorite tree and began a casual conversation about the latest potion that The Half-Blood Prince was brewing up. They began eating the lunch that Sarai had prepared for them (she loved to cook), as the conversation got a little heavier._

_“I-I’ve really been enjoying our time together in the Room of Requirement.” Sarai said, color rising to her cheeks._

_“As have I,” said Severus, as he turned slightly pink and stared at his sandwich._

_He was so cute when he blushed. He was just cute in general. It went silent for a few moments, until Sarai began speaking again._

_“You have been my best friend since we were eleven years old and our friendship has only continued to grow and evolve. I look forward to working on potions with you and seeing you and tasting your mouth on mine.” She said while staring down at her fidgeting hands._

_“I –I think I love you Sev, no, I know that I love you, I love you with all of my heart and soul.”_

_It was quiet. She finally got the nerve to look up at him and he was staring off into the distance. “Merlin’s beard, he didn’t even hear anything I had to say”, she thought angrily to herself. She looked across the lake to see what could have captivated his attention and that is when she spotted her; long shiny red locks cascading down her back, laughing with James and Sirius. Severus stared at her with a sort of longing, the same longing that Sarai felt for him but he would never know now. The tears were starting to well up in her eyes._

_“Earth to Severus!” she shouted._

_Severus turned with a start. “Yeah?” he asked._

_That was it for her, the last straw. The tears threatened to spill out of her eyes and down her cheeks as she got to her feet._

_“I can’t do this anymore” she said coldly. “We need to focus on our studies, we have N.E.W.T.’s coming up and I just can’t be distracted if I want to achieve the highest marks. You shouldn’t allow yourself to be so, distracted, either” she said while glancing at Lily across the lake. “I’ll see you in class, Severus.” And she turned and stormed off as he watched her, in shock, finally allowing her tears the release they so desired._

_She ran up to the Astronomy Tower, her favorite place to be alone, and cried and cried until there was nothing left anymore. She continued to be cordial with Severus but she never went to The Room of Requirement with him again. Then, she was gone. What else does one do when they love someone with their entire being but that person longs for someone else? She didn’t see what other choice she had, so when her father got the job at Ilvermorny and told her that they would have to leave as soon as term ended, she had made her decision._

Classes were finally over for the day but Sarai thought it best to wait until after dinner to confront Severus. She decided to sit near Hagrid that evening and catch up with the Groundskeeper, who had always been friendly with her, to try and take her mind off of what was to come later. She could feel his black orbs piercing her the entire time. Certainly he wouldn’t try legilimency on her, as he knew she was just as skilled as he was and would be able to feel the intrusion and block him from her thoughts. Surely he knew better than that. They had vowed never to use it on each other without permission, if that even meant anything to him anymore.

Sarai continued to make conversation with Hagrid, until out of the corner of her eye she saw Severus get up from the staff table and make his way through the giant oak doors and disappear out of sight. She politely excused herself from the conversation with the half-giant and headed towards the dungeons, being extremely careful to stay far enough behind him so as he wouldn’t sense her, as he had a knack for doing, even after all these years. Finally, she arrived at the entrance of the Potions classroom and peered in; she didn’t see him and thought he must be in his study. He always graded parchments after dinner, and he was a creature of habit after all. She entered the classroom and could hear the furious scratching of quill on parchment and she couldn’t help but wonder if he was using the quill that she had gifted to him. She stood there for a few moments, focusing on her breath, trying to center herself, creating a calm before the brewing storm that was about to break.

“What do you want Sarai?” she knew it was only a matter of time before he sensed her presence.

She took a deep breath. Well, here goes, she thought.

“I want you to stop!” she said in a harsh tone that made Severus raise an eyebrow so high it almost disappeared into his hairline.

“Stop, what, exactly?” he questioned irritably while continuing to scribble notes on the parchments.

“Stop treating me like I am one of your students, like I’m nothing but a dunderhead. Stop treating me like we have no history and like we have nothing to talk about!” her temperature was rising and she didn’t think she could restrain her emotions any longer.

He stood up from his chair, dragging his fingers slowly along the edge of his desk as he walked around to the front, resting his backside against it. He was so intimidating and so sexy, she wasn’t sure if she could go through with this!

“I’m pretty sure you started it Sarai, when you felt that it was perfectly normal to abandon your best friend and I’m not talking about you leaving without saying goodbye because we both know that you abandoned me long before—“

“And you don’t think you did anything to warrant my behavior, like I just grew distant out of the blue? Oh please Severus, you couldn’t take your eyes off of her!” she was furious now, and so was he.

“Do not bring her into this Sarai!”

She could feel the resentment in his voice.

“You were wasting your time. She had eyes only for Potter, she never loved you, not like you loved her, she was never going to be yours so stop acting as though if she were alive anything would be different!” she screamed, wanting to hurt him.

“Get out!” he shouted with determined hostility. “GET OUT” he said again, now full of rage, and without thinking he drew his wand and blasted Sarai out of his office into the cold wall of the potions classroom. He could hear the bones in her right hand and arm crack as her whole body ricocheted off the wall while he stared, frozen to the spot in disbelief at what he had just done.

“Oh no! No, no, no! Fuck, what have I done!?” the thought raced through his head as he ran towards her in what felt like slow motion. He had to help her, to fix what he had broken, to fix the relationship that was now in danger of being severed forever. How could he have allowed himself to do this? He was no good for anybody, not even himself, and when Albus heard about this, it would be the end of Hogwarts for him as well.

Sarai was livid, her face red with rage, tears pouring from her eyes. She had never felt so much pain and anger in her life, not since her parents were taken from her. And done to her by the man whom she loved, who she always had loved. It took everything for her not to lose consciousness from the pain. She saw his black robes billowing as he ran towards her and her blood boiled. She screamed for him to go away, to leave her but he kept coming towards her. She saw that he was sobbing but she didn’t care. Stupid man. Sarai had Dumbledore blood running through her veins. She was a powerful and skilled witch and she wasn’t a little girl anymore.

She screamed from the pit of her core “GO!” “GOOOOOOOOOOO!” and Snape was magically thrown back and locked inside of his study; she was highly skilled at wandless magic.

He couldn’t believe how much power she had! He rattled the door, trying to get out, to get to her, to help her, to beg forgiveness, but it was no use, he was trapped for now in sheer panic. At this point, he didn’t even care if he got sacked; all he cared about was Sarai. Was she okay? What was he going to do? He was sure that she would never want to reconcile with him now but now wasn’t the time to think about that. He would be willing to live without her the rest of his life just to know that she was okay. He continued banging on the door, shouting, crying, “SARAI!” “PLEASE!”

Sarai performed an advanced healing spell with her good hand to quickly mend her bones as best she could on her own before bursting out of the dungeons, through the castle and up the stairs to the Astronomy tower, where her chambers were, and began to cry, gut wrenching sobs. “HE WILL NEVER SEE ME! HE WILL NEVER GET OVER LILY!” she screamed at no one.

She always tried to stay positive but what was the use? She guessed that he really had become evil and she sobbed even harder. Choking as she struggled for air through her heaving sobs.

Severus was finally able to escape his imprisonment and he ran out of his classroom and all the way up to the Astronomy tower where he knew she must have gone if he knew her at all, and he did. Luckily it was now past curfew and there were no students around, although he would have to keep an eye out for Potter and his friends as they had developed a habit for breaking the rules. As he raced up the spiral staircase that led to the astronomy tower and Sarai’s chambers, he could hear her sobs and he stopped dead in his tracks. They were the kind of sobs that he knew so well himself; those gut-wrenching sobs that bellow out of you when you are in true pain and he knew it was more than physical pain. “How could he have done this?” He thought to himself. He sat on the top step and pressed his back against the door gently so as not to make a sound, figuring she must have her back against the door as well. He could feel her. He placed his head in his hands and his greasy black locks hung over his face. He could literally feel her pain. He wished he could carry it for her. Most people didn’t know that he was an empath, as he was as skilled at blocking emotions, as he was his own thoughts. He sat with her as she cried, unbeknownst to her. A tear rolled out of the corner of his eye and slowly made its way down his cheek and before he knew it, he couldn’t stop the stream of tears. This was a nightmare, it had to be, he would never forgive himself for this and he was sure that neither would she and rightfully so. He sobbed quietly, sitting there with his back to her door. He sobbed for the pain he had caused her, both to her arm and to her heart. He sobbed for Lily, for the way that he destroyed their friendship and for feeling responsible for causing her death. He sobbed for feeling responsible for leaving Sarai an orphan and lastly, he sobbed for himself, for ruining any chance at ever having any real love in his life. Eventually, Sarai’s sobbing stopped completely and his tapered off as well; he didn’t even hear a sniffle. She must have fallen asleep, he thought. He used Alohamora to quietly enter her chambers where he saw that she had cried herself to sleep, crumpled on the floor in fetal position. He knelt down and scooped her limp, sleeping body into his strong arms and very carefully, so as not to cause any more pain, laid her in her bed. He closed his eyes and found her right hand with his and very gently, so as not to wake her, placed a numbing charm on her hand as well as her entire body to ease her pain while she slept. She had done a pretty fair job at healing the bones but he wasn’t sure yet the extent of her injuries and he thought that she should probably see Madam Pomfrey as soon as she awoke. He imagined she was pretty banged up from hitting the wall with such force. Tears started to fall from his eyes again. He had real issues, he thought, to be driven to do something like this. There wasn’t much more that he could do now so he pulled the covers delicately over her shivering body and kissed her tear-stained cheeks. It was probably the last time he would ever taste her, he thought, as he took in the scent of rose petals and patchouli, that always surrounded her. He magicked a cozy fire into the fireplace to stop her shivering and looked at her longingly one last time before heading back to his chambers in the dungeons.

Sarai awoke the following morning to a dull throbbing feeling in her body. It felt like she had been numb and was slowly gaining the feeling back and it didn’t feel good. She also had no recollection of getting in to bed the night before; the last thing she remembered was collapsing on the floor near the door and sobbing. She knew it had to be Severus. “Aaaarggghhh!” She screamed. How dare he enter her chamber! How dare he come anywhere near her ever again! She tried to sit up and winced in pain. She knew she had to forget about her anger for now and get herself to the hospital wing so Madam Pomfrey could check her out. She had no idea what she was going to say. She could out him if she wanted to. Albus would not give him another chance after that, but she just couldn’t do it. She somehow managed to get down the Astronomy Tower Stairs and to the hospital wing. She told Madam Pomfrey that she tripped and fell down the stairs and she bought it. Sarai was known to be a little clumsy when her head was in the clouds, which it often was.

“You took quite the fall, Sarai. You’re lucky only your hand and wrist were greatly affected.” Madam Pomfrey Scolded. “You did decent work healing the bones on your own, you have become very powerful my dear, however, every single bone in your hand was completely shattered. We will have to regrow some of the pieces and remove some of the bone shards from your hand. It’s going to hurt dear, I wont try and sugarcoat it.” She said sadly.

“It’s okay Madam Pomfrey, I can handle it. I’ll be okay.” Sarai said automatically.

“There’s one more thing my dear Sarai.”

“Well, what is it? Just give it to me straight.” She didn’t need anymore surprises.

“The magic has gone from your hand. I am not sure why or if it will come back.” Madam Pomfrey tried to be as gentle as possible with the delivery of these words.

Sarai just stared out the window and off into the distance. “Oh.” She said blankly.

“I have done everything I can here sweetheart. I want you to go to St. Mungos to have a specialist look at it-“

“-But I have classes.” Sarai argued. Who will cover them? What will Albus say?

“Sarai, you will always be taken care of at Hogwarts, you should know that. Everything will be taken care of. Here comes Minerva now.”

Just then, Professor McGonagall burst through the door and rushed over to Sarai’s bedside. “What is going on here Sarai? Some students said they saw you limping to the hospital wing. I rushed here to see if the rumors were true.”

“They’re true.” Said Sarai while staring at a spot on the ground. Minerva had always been like a second mother to her and she was there for her big time after her own mother was killed. She didn’t want to have to lie to her.

“Sarai, dear, what happened? Minerva asked with so much concern in her features that Sarai didn’t know if she could keep herself from crying.

“I was in my head. You know how I get. And I tripped over my own two feet down the astronomy tower staircase.” She hated lying to her. It felt wrong, dirty. “I banged myself up pretty bad.”

“Her right hand was shattered and the magic has gone from it. I have tried everything I know. She will have to take Skele-Grow to re-grow some of the pieces, I can do that for her but I’d like to send her to St. Mungos to see a specialist, if it is okay with you and Albus of course.” Said Madam Pomfry.

“There is no question. She will go, Albus will approve. I will take care of her classes.” Minerva said to Madam Pomfrey.

“Um, do I get any say in this?” Sarai chimed in.

“NO!” Minerva and Madam Pomfrey said in unison.

So she went, accompanied by one of Madam Pomfrey’s junior healers and saw a bone-healing specialist who magically removed each individual piece of bone shard from her hand; Madam Pomfrey was right, the pain was almost unbearable. She was then taken to the Magical Maladies ward where her hand was inspected by several healers as they all tried to determine what happened to the magic in that hand. They did tests, had her perform simple spells with her wand wielded by her left hand. She had no trouble performing them and they seemed satisfied with that. She did struggle, however, with wandless magic, which she so recently excelled at. That was something one needed both hands and a clear mind for. She could perform some simpler spells with one hand but she would need the power of both for anything more. She was given a drawing salve to rub on the hand each night before bed to try and draw the magic back into the hand. They thought, as Madam Pomfrey had, that it might return when the bones in her hand regrew. They made an appointment for her to return in six weeks and sent her on her way.

That evening, Sarai limped into the great hall with a walking stick, her wand hand wrapped in bandages. The Great Hall went completely silent as the students stared at her in shock and disbelief. Severus’ heart sank and he went paler than he already was. He was so worried about her as she was not at breakfast or lunch and had been gone most of the day. He checked the hospital wing after his first class but she wasn’t anywhere to be found. He couldn’t ask for her without it seeming suspicious so he went back to the dungeons and was all nerves the rest of the day. She refused to make eye contact with him and he knew he deserved it. It took everything in him not to break down and cry right there in front of the entire staff and student body. There was nowhere for him to run, this was it. The whole school would soon know what a monster he really was.

Sarai finally reached the staff table and turned to face the students.

“I appreciate all of your concern-”

Severus gulped.

“-I had a bit of a clumsy moment last night and tripped over my own two feet and stumbled down the Astronomy tower stairs. I’m really very sore and I seem to have shattered every single bone in my hand, she said that slowly and clearly so that Severus would not miss a word. I am going to survive but it is going to take a while for my body to totally heal. Luckily I am ambidextrous and capable of using my left hand to wield my wand, although it is not my preferred hand. Astronomy classes will continue as usual so don’t think you are off the hook with those star charts!” she chuckled but he could see the sadness and defeat in her eyes as she looked at him one last time before quickly turning away. He could feel a pair of eyes boring into him; he didn’t want to look up, because he knew whom they belonged to. He wondered why Sarai covered for him, he was sure Albus probably didn’t believe her story, as he seemed to have a way of knowing everything that happened inside this castle.

Weeks went by and Sarai didn’t even attempt to speak to Severus anymore, in fact, she avoided him at all costs. She went back to St. Mungos to have her bandages removed and her hand tested, but the magic still had not returned. The healers had never seen anything like this before and they feared that it might never return. Sarai tried, however, to remain optimistic. Perhaps she just needed to find the right spell. The one person who she knew could help her was the one person she wanted absolutely nothing to do with right now.

Several months later and just before the summer break, Severus saw Sarai walking again, on her own. She appeared to be healed, at least on the surface, and looked as radiant and glowing as ever.

“I have really destroyed any chances of ever renewing our friendship.” He thought to himself. Now he was sure that she would never forgive him, just as he hadn’t forgiven her. He had heard whispers that she still didn’t have any use of her right hand, that the flutter of magic in it had died, and that was terrible for any witch or wizard, especially one so skilled at wandless magic. He felt ridden with guilt and grief. He wanted to talk to her so badly, to smell her sweet scent, to feel her warm hand on his arm, to gaze into those big amber eyes. He longed for her but he didn’t know how to express his feelings so he just avoided her at all costs for the rest of the year.

It turned out that Professor Quirell had been hiding Voldemort, well all there was of him, under his turban the entire year. It was he who tried to curse Harry at the Quidditch match and he who also tried to kill him. Harry was brave, rightfully placed in Gryffindor, and defeated Voldemort yet again, losing Quirell in the process (merely a sacrifice for the Dark Lord). Severus was nervous at the potential return of Voldemort. He wasn’t much of anything now, but who knew what he could still be capable of? Regardless, he had made a promise to Albus all those years ago and he intended to keep it, as he was a man of his word.

Sarai decided to spend her summer holiday in the South of France with her best friend, Joni, from California. She couldn’t bear Albus’ constant questioning about what or who really caused her injuries. She couldn’t even bear to tell her best friend the truth. Part of her felt sorry for Severus and she hated herself for that. “Fucking asshole, Severus.” She silently cursed his name under her breath. She wasn’t even sure she should return to Hogwarts next term. She regularly pondered her resignation and dreaded having that conversation with Albus. Perhaps she would just write him a letter and disappear, she was good at disappearing. She definitely had a lot to think about over the next couple of months but she wasn’t going to let it ruin her fun in the sun with her bestie.


	6. Scar Tissue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place the Summer between Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secrets. It follows both Severus and Sarai through their own personal journeys and their inner conflict following the incidents of the prior school year. Take a look inside each of their mental space as you are shown glimpses of each of their painful pasts and sometimes painful present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was definitely not planned, however, I really felt like there needed to be a segue chapter between school years and this just kinda came to me and flowed through me. You will be shown what our main characters were going through in their lives before they were guided back into each others lives and you will also see what they are dealing with mentally and emotionally since the incident between them last school year. This chapter took me to some very dark places that I never intended these characters to go but it just flowed out of me and it felt so right. I think this might actually be my favorite chapter so far and I hope you enjoy it as well. Please be warned that this chapter deals with dark themes, mental illness, depression, self-harm, PTSD, etc.

Sarai and Joni spent six amazing weeks wandering the French Riviera, sunning in Saint-Tropez, wining and dining in the Provence region and gambling and dancing the night away in Monaco. Luckily, she had found a best friend who had an adventurous spirit just like her. She just needed to forget her troubles with Severus for a while and let loose. Joni came from a prominent American Wizarding Family, The Zolair’s, mostly consisting of higher ups at MACUSA. They were like a second family to Sarai and always welcomed her warmly. Mr. and Mrs. Zolair had taken the girls to the French Riviera so many times in their youth; it had become almost as familiar to them as their home country was. They took a quick jaunt to Paris before they finally headed back to The States.

_Paris…she had always dreamt of coming here with her love. Kissing at the top of the Eiffel Tower, getting lost in the art at the Louvre, each of them finding a piece they loved the most and spending the rest of the day obsessing over it, and watching the mimes and the pigeons and the artists and the street performers and the tourists in Montmartre as they sip their wine and share a bowl of Moules Frites at a café in the square. Hand in hand they stroll down the narrow alleyways, taking turns at bites of a Nutella Crepe, her favorite. He stops walking and turns to face her, wiping a bit of chocolate from the corner of her mouth and then licks his finger, closing his eyes to taste her, mixed with the sweet nuttiness of the chocolate. He takes her head in both hands and plows his lips into hers, intensely and passionately as their tongues intertwine and he presses her up against a stonewall pushing up her flowing, floral skirt and squeezing her thigh with his strong hand…_

“Sarai, Sarai, did you hear me? I said where do you want to go to dinner?”

Sarai pouted as she was pulled back to reality. “Uh…let’s head to one of those cute little café’s in Montmartre,” she said with a sly grin.

Sarai had decided to spend the remainder of her summer back in Los Angeles with Joni and her family and reconnect with some of her old No-Mag friends from the period of her life she now referred to as her hiatus from Severus. Was this hiatus too, or was this truly the end? She wanted to get as far away from the brooding dungeon bat and Hogwarts and from magic as possible. This was the second time in her life that magic had betrayed her and she was angry at it.

_When her parents were killed she was lost. She couldn’t cope and she blamed it all on magic. She wanted nothing to do with it ever again, and then, the second blow came, Lily and James were murdered. She was never too fond of James because of his history with Severus but Lily; Lily was one of her best friends. She knew it wasn’t Lily’s fault that Severus had feelings for her. She never led him on. They weren’t as close after she married James but they always kept in touch, writing each other letters a few times a year. She was still devastated by the news of their death and the fact that somehow; little Harry was not only spared but had managed to defeat the darkest wizard of all time. She had gone to their funeral undetected and she sensed his presence. She knew he would come and that he must have been devastated as well. She knew how connected she and Severus must still be but she could sense that he didn’t want to be found, and neither did she, which is why she “borrowed” the Invisibility Cloak from Albus in the first place. She left promptly after the service, as she just couldn’t be there. She felt like she didn’t belong anywhere anymore. There was nothing left for her in the Wizarding world. That’s how she felt._

_She had always loved to cook and bake, something she had learned from her Great Grandmother, a Russian Gypsy, so she enrolled and graduated with honors from Muggle Culinary School. She wanted to learn how to do things without the use of magic and she had become quite good, working her way up at several well-known restaurants in the Los Angeles area. This was her new life, or so she tried to convince herself; she could have had a successful career there if she had not been drawn back to the U.K. and Hogwarts and the idea of Severus. She was successful in her career but she missed using magic and she missed her parents and she longed for her lost love. She was stuck in a dark pit that she just couldn’t dig her way out of and as much as she loved her American Wizarding and No-Mag friends, she couldn’t help thinking there was something big missing from her life in California. She started to spiral deeper and darker into the abyss that her mind had become and wound up briefly in a mental institution after worrying some of her No-Mag friends over her maddening babble, something about evil magic killing her family, a dark wizard and an alternate world, unable to suppress it anymore, it was oozing out of her, attempting to consume her. They had her committed and she had become so complacent that she didn’t even try to resist. The nurses forced her to swallow medication and tried to shock her brain into functioning at a “normal” level. She was there for three months, wasting away and destroying her career, still rejecting magic. She had the culinary world wondering what happened to one of their brightest young stars and the Wizarding world wondering what had happened to such a promising and powerful young witch._

_She had always been very close to her Great Uncle Albus, much closer than she was with her grandfather, Aberforth. He was constantly begging her to leave Los Angeles and come stay with him. He was concerned about her mental state and the fact that she had literally “shut off” her magic. Albus travelled to California and magically entered the facility he had heard she had been sent to; he had his ways, and he looked into her cold empty eyes. A result of shutting off a part of one’s self instead of dealing with it._

_“You don’t belong here Sarai,’ Albus pleaded “Come back to London and stay with me. Let me care for you my sweet child.” He said as he kissed her forehead._

_Her eyes had become cold and dark, the once bright Amber now a dull, mustard color. The light was gone._

_“Do you really want to die, Sarai?” He implored. “Do you want to give up on yourself? Are you done? Checked out? Say the words and I’ll leave you here Sarai, if this is what you want. You can also say the words and we will leave here at once.” He looked at her gently yet sternly, like a concerned father._

_There was a long pause before a weakened raspy voice broke the silence._

_“I never wanted to be here.” She managed to whisper._

_“But you didn’t fight it or do anything to get yourself out. You could have used magic to escape here anytime, yet you didn’t”_

_Tears started to stream down her cheeks, the first sign of life within her in weeks._

_“I-I’m lost.” She admitted. I-I don’t know who I am anymore or where I-I belong--“_

_“--You belong in the Wizarding world, using your natural gifts and living a life you deserve.” He pleaded._

_“And what life is that? A life without parents? A life without Severus? Pretending I’m happy? Living a lie?” She wondered aloud._

_“I would never ask you to live a lie Sarai but I know you must feel like you are not yourself. Sarai, my dear, I am telling you this from my own experience, you cannot keep your magic shut off, it has been long enough already. Terrible things will happen to you if you continue down this path. Your magic needs some place to go and it will consume you.” He pulled his chair closer to her and took her hands in his. Sarai, you have heard the stories of our sister Arianna, I know that my brother has mentioned them to you, putting me in a bad light but alas, the stories are all true. She became an Obscurisk, and once that happened, there was no coming back from it. Her life would never be hers ever again. My sweet, beautiful, compassionate niece; I don’t want you to have to go through that, you are stronger than that, and you are stronger than you know.” He wiped the tears from her cheeks._

_She looked at the aging man who had been like a father figure to her, who had always looked out for her best interests and taught her almost everything she knew about magic. “Get me out of here.” She said blankly._

_Albus didn’t even have to pause. He wrapped his arms around her and twisted out of sight. They were at the front gate of the Soleil residence, which stood on a cliff overlooking the ocean, Sarai still clinging to Albus, and he helped her inside and up to her room. He had that look about him, like he had other reasons for being here that would soon unfold. It was still hard for her to be in this house, even after all of these years. The memories of the terrible torture and death of her parents by the Dark Lord as she hid behind the false wall her father had pushed her behind and watched in horror. The nightmares were still vivid and real. She spent as little time here as possible or made sure to surround herself with as many people as possible and as much of the muggle herb, marijuana, and alcohol as possible, to numb her mind._

_She had never even considered going back to Hogwarts. It wasn’t until Albus “casually” mentioned to her (over tuna fish sandwiches) that Professor Sinistra was retiring and that he wanted to hire her as the new Astronomy professor that she even thought of actually going back there. Sarai was much more qualified than anyone who applied and he knew the students would benefit from her expertise and years of experience with the study of the heavens from her father, Etoile. She had always excelled in the subject and was taking N.E.W.T. level classes by her third year. She knew that Severus had been Potions Master there for a while now. Albus managed to slip that in to one of their conversations, of course, and something in her told her at that moment, that this was to be her new path and so she packed her things, expanding her suitcase (it took her a couple tries as she was a little rusty) to fit all of her belongings, not knowing when she’d return, and boarded a plane to London-Heathrow, it was too far for them to apparate. She had to plead with Albus to let her stay in London until 1 September when the students arrived, She wasn’t quite ready to be at Hogwarts yet and she was just barely out of a mental institution. She promised him that she would show up and not disappear like she had a habit of doing. She had never lied to him before, so he allowed her to stay in his flat in London, alone, until term began._

_From there she would go to Diagon Alley to get some Wizard coins from her family vault at Gringott’s and pick up a few supplies before eventually heading to Platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross Station to catch The Hogwarts Express. She didn’t want to risk apparating alone after not using magic for so many years. It had been just as many years since she had been on this train._

Her thoughts returned to the present.

The girls had spent a lazy summer afternoon lounging by the pool at The Zolair compound. Joni complained about gaining five pounds and not being able to fit into her favorite skinny jeans. Sarai wished her problems were that small. She had to make her decision, as 1 September was fast approaching and Albus was awaiting her response. He’d sent her an owl last week asking if she would like to continue teaching at Hogwarts. He was more than satisfied with her performance as a Professor and wanted to hire her on permanently. She felt overwhelmed. It was a lot. The emotional turmoil with Severus was heavy on top of her workload and she wasn’t sure she could handle it for another year, not after everything else she had dealt with in her fragile mental space. Although, she found herself thinking about him constantly; longing for him still. She made herself sick. How could she still love him? He was hopeless. Incorrigible. Maybe they were just never meant to be. She awoke the next morning, knowing in her gut that it wasn’t true. Fate had brought them together and together again and she wasn’t going to give up now. She knew what her decision was going to be as she began a letter to her Great Uncle.

Severus spent his entire summer worrying about Sarai, and worrying about the man he was afraid he was becoming. His father, Tobias, was an angry man who hated magic and his magical family. He was physically abusive to both he and his mother, Eileen, who was in St. Mungos now because of Tobias. How he reacted with Sarai was exactly the way his father would have reacted and that was the problem, he just, reacted, without thinking. He didn’t even know where it came from, like somebody else had taken over his body. This was his biggest regret but he wondered why she never told anyone the truth. He damaged her, possibly forever and he had to do something about it, at least the physical part. He wasn’t sure if he could ever mend their relationship. He spent all of his time testing potions and methods for bringing the magic back to her right hand. Quickly jotting down his methods and ingredients in the journal she had given to him last Christmas that he didn’t deserve. By the time Hogwarts commenced he would have it ready for her, he had to.

“Merlin, what if she never returns?!” the thought suddenly crossed his mind. “What if she resigned out of fear of the monster that attacked her? What if…he never saw her again? What if he messed up his last chance to ever have his best friend back?” He hung his head in shame as tears leaked from his eyes. He rolled up his sleeve and dragged the sharp blade of a small onyx-handled knife gently over his exposed wrist. Not too deep as he didn’t want to do too much harm, only to feel the pain. This is why he wore such long sleeves, years of scars lining his arms. The knife was the only thing that Severus kept of his fathers after his mother killed him. He wasn’t angry with her for it, she had every right to, he should have done it himself to spare her the unbearable misery of such an atrocious act. Now she was in St. Mungos, her mind lost. He never understood why his father hated magic so much and why he hated his son and his wife so much. He had spent much of his life thinking it was his fault and that he was worthless. He studied extra hard and went above and beyond to be at the very top of his class, but still, his father beat him and looked at him like he was scum. Severus made an extra cut to release all the pent up emotions about his childhood. It felt good to bleed out the pain. He watched the blood start to bubble and form out of the fresh slice before it slowly trickled down his forearm. It didn’t travel too far as it wasn’t a very deep wound; he made sure of that…most of the time. There were definitely a few times when he almost went too far but this was a truth he had to keep hidden, his own private sort of unorthodox therapy. Of course he could heal the wounds easily but that seemed counter-productive.

Perhaps he would send an owl to Sarai and risk the potion getting safely to her. The sooner she began to take it, the sooner her magic might start to come back and he didn’t think he could face her. He didn’t expect her to ever forgive him and when he wasn’t working on the potion, he was working on coming to terms with that. He pulled out the raven quill she had given him and began to write a letter to go along with the potion he was too much of a coward to give to her in person.

Sarai,

He sat there for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the parchment, her name being the only word he could get out of himself. What could he possibly say to her? Would she even read it or would it sit in a junk drawer for years before she could bring herself to open it, just like his efforts in the past. He put his head in his hands. Oh, what had he done? Why was he like this? He pulled the blade slowly across his skin one last time for tonight, this time for the monster that he himself had become. He deserved more than just a slice through pallid flesh, he deserved to be punished and she for some reason had prevented that, although he was sure Albus suspected some foul play, but if he did, he kept it to himself. Sarai had spared him the pain and humiliation but why? Was there an inkling of a possibility that she didn’t hate him, that she would give him another chance? He decided that there were still some more tests he had to run on the potion, just to be sure there wouldn’t be any adverse side effects. That was the last thing Sarai needed on top of what she had already experienced. He would deliver this potion in person at the start of term, to make sure that she received it and if she wasn’t there, if she really had decided to quit, then he would make it his life’s mission to find her and atone for his sins. He wouldn’t make the same mistakes as last time.


	7. Soul Mates and Dopplegangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a very unexpected lookalike at Hogwarts this term and it gets in Sev's head.   
> Harry and Ron come to school on a flying car and don't get expelled. Gilderoy Lockhart joins the staff and Sev and Sarai have a "moment" or two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My niece really wanted me to write her character into my story. Hopefully it makes sense and isn't weird. She wanted to create a sister for Hermione and I just can't say no to my niece.
> 
> Sorry this chapter took so long, it's been a very busy month. I'll try to get the next chapter out faster. 
> 
> There is a lot that is going to happen in this portion (Chamber of Secrets) of the story so bear with me as I'm trying to create content leading up to the climax, while also writing in the petrifications, Chamber of Secrets re-opening and the incorrigible Gilderoy Lockhart. Thanks for reading!

_It is said that when you meet your soul mate, you will not get butterflies in your stomach or feel your heart racing, you will instead feel completely calm, collected and at peace._

Sarai came in on the school train again as she still didn’t feel comfortable apparating on her own just yet, especially not with her injuries. She had only just arrived back in London via Muggle commercial jet three nights ago. She was actually still a bit jet-lagged but she had no intentions of arriving to school early and running in to Severus. She needed the distraction of students if she was going to be able to do this. Albus had always allowed Sarai to use his London flat when she was in town and he had now offered it to her as residence when she was not at Hogwarts. She told him that she would think about it, as she still had to figure out what to do about her family home in California. She did however take him up on the “place to stay” for the last couple of days before term began.

She made it through the barrier and on to Platform 9 ¾ and was promptly greeted by passing students. She didn’t like to brag but she was definitely favored by many of them over the other professors. She saw the Weasley’s arrive even later than she had but curiously, she didn’t spot Ron…or Harry for that matter as the two of them were usually joined at the hip. She hoped everything was okay but she couldn’t give it too much thought, as she had to catch the train before she missed it. She tried to find an empty compartment to sit in and work on her syllabus but with her late arrival, all of them had already been taken. She saw Hermione Granger and another girl sitting alone in a compartment about halfway down the corridor, Hermione looked extremely anxious and she knew it must have to do with her two missing friends. The nervous girl looked out the window and spotted Sarai looking in and she waved her inside.

“Why not?”Sarai thought to herself. Hermione was a sweet girl. A little know-it-all, which was sometimes a bit annoying, but she seemed to be a good student and always got on well with Sarai, even though she wouldn’t have her in class for a few more years.

“Professor Soleil!” She exclaimed. “You didn’t happen to see Harry and Ron out there did you? We’re about to take off and well they’ll miss the train.” She fretted.

“I wondered where they were myself but no I haven’t spotted them.” Sarai said cautiously not wanting to freak out Hermione even more. “Besides, if they missed the train, Albus would send someone after them, so don’t allow yourself to get too worked up over it love.” She said while she stared at the redheaded girl sitting next to Hermione. Merlin, she was almost the spitting image of Lily.

Hermione must have noticed Sarai staring because she quickly said, “Oh, I apologize Professor Soleil, This is my sister, Lydia.” as color crept up her cheeks.

Sarai greeted the girl, taking in every feature from the long, wavy, Auburn hair, to the Emerald Green eyes and the sprinkle of freckles across her nose and cheeks.

“Is everything okay Professor?” Hermione asked, concern lacing her voice.

“Oh, yes, everything is fine love.” Sarai quickly snapped out of it. Oh this was going to really throw Severus for a loop, she thought to herself. Holy crap, she was the spitting image of Lily Evans! She had no idea how this was even possible but she tried to take her mind off of it for now while also trying to get some work done over Hermione’s nervous chatter, glancing from time to time at the doppelganger before her. It was wild. If she weren’t still her thirty- two year old self she would have sworn she had been blasted into the past. She thought she saw something whiz by the train window out of the corner of her eye but she wrote it off as just being jet lag and her eyes playing tricks on her and went back to working on her syllabus, which should have been done weeks ago. Procrastination was her Achilles heel.

Severus arrived with Dumbledore into the Great Hall for the start of term feast with a flutter of nerves in his stomach. He had been anticipating this moment since last term had ended and he honestly had no idea what to expect. Professors usually arrived at least a week before term started and there had been no sign of Sarai anywhere. He had tried to find out from Dumbledore but he didn’t want to seem desperate. His heart literally skipped a beat when he glanced up at the staff table and saw a glimmer of purple hair out of the corner of his eye. He felt a wave of relief wash over him. She was here. She came back, in spite of what she had gone through last term. What he had put her through. He smiled on the inside and his stomach did a little somersault. Merlin, she was beautiful. He couldn’t explain it, when he saw her he felt calm, completely at-ease, and warm, like from a long hug. His nerves completely washed away. It was a feeling he had always felt when he was near her, which is why it was she who was always able to calm him from his rage when they were younger. He had no one to calm him now. His mind drifted to days long gone as he gazed at her profile longingly…

_They loved to hole up in The Room of Requirement. They worked on secret potions there, revealed the deepest darkest parts of their souls; trusted each other, discovered each other’s bodies. If those walls could talk…They were safe there from the bullies who called him Snivellus, who taunted him and made his life miserable. She was a ray of light, a beacon of hope, a glimmer of stardust sprinkled down upon him. She was his rock. His sanctuary._

_He had just called Lily a “Mudblood”, it just came out. He didn’t mean it. He was hurt and embarrassed and reacted from a place of immense pain and trauma. His friendship with Lily was over in that instant. She would never forgive him. He tried so hard to apologize, to regain her trust, to redeem himself in her eyes but his efforts were fruitless and their relationship would never be the same. There was one person, however, whose trust and support was never wavering. She held him when he cried and comforted him without judgment. She would rub her hand up and down his spine to soothe him and calm him down. He never felt ashamed to cry in front of her. She understood him; she was probably the only person who ever could. She had remained friends with Lily and even tried to get her to speak to him again (almost at the risk of losing her own friendship with her)._

_She had done all of these things for him and he had done nothing but bring her pain and sorrow. He thought about the way they used to be, so open and carefree with each other. He wondered what happened, where it all went wrong, why she left him in the first place? She wanted so badly to explain herself, she had tried all of last school year to just have a conversation with him and he pushed her away. Why, for fear of learning the truth? He didn’t know because he kept fighting it, he never heard her out and now here he was, pining for her attention, but he wouldn’t allow himself to give in. He was stubborn, he knew it, and so was she. Only this time, he had gone too far, and he may have pushed her away for good. He was good at pushing people away. His mind was racing, flashes of their sixteen year old selves cutting to scenes of her coming through the doors of The Great Hall last year, to this very evening watching her engaged in conversation with…who was that? He squinted his eyes to get a better look. It wasn’t until Albus asked him what was on his mind that he actually came back to the present._

He wondered who it was that seemed to have her attention though? The man turned and as soon as he saw the profile he scowled. It was the pompous fraud, Gilderoy Lockhart, whom Severus had the pleasure of trying to expose this year. Oh, he would succeed there was no question. He had almost forgotten that he would be here this school year or had perhaps just shoved it deep into his subconscious. It was frustrating that Albus wouldn’t just give him the job of D.A.D.A. Instructor and instead just used him in order to expose those with not so good intentions. He was starting to feel like he was just a pawn in Albus’ game. What was he playing at anyways? He knew that with Albus, there was a reason for everything, an end game, even if his true intentions weren’t revealed right away.

Of course the slime ball would go after the most beautiful woman in the school on his very first day here. Of course he would. He secretly hoped that Sarai wasn’t buying it. She was extremely intelligent after all and surely she would see Lockhart for the idiot fraud that he was. He couldn’t shake the thought from his head though, the image of her laughing at his stupid jokes and impressed by his ridiculous stories. He didn’t know why he cared so much. Just then she caught his eye and he is caught off guard but he can’t pull himself away from her gaze. They just stare at each other, eyes locked, while the world goes on around them. She didn’t even so much as crack a cordial smile before reengaging with Lockhart He wished it were he who was sitting there next to her, engaged in conversation. Laughing. Touching. Why on earth was he thinking this way? He needn’t bother with these silly thoughts, he had to either muster up the nerve to face her or otherwise come up with a plan to get her this potion and make her take it.

He quickly shook those thoughts out of his head and made his way to the staff table, taking the seat next to Dumbledore on his left, distancing himself from Sarai and Lockhart but at just the right angle to keep his eye on them. The sorting ceremony was about to begin, mandatory attendance for staff. Minerva entered the Great Hall followed by a throttle of nervous looking first-years. He looked each and every one of them in the eye, making sure to keep a stern face, all the while remembering what his first day was like here, thinking about Lily and Sarai, and a more innocent time and that’s when he spotted the red hair. It wasn’t the bright red Weasley hair but a darker, deeper red, just like Lily’s. It was long and shiny like hers too and she had the same green eyes. The resemblance was almost uncanny. “Who was she? How could this be?” He thought. Lily had no other children aside from Harry and certainly none that could be younger, as she was killed not long after Harry’s first birthday. He frowned at the thought and at the question.

“Weasley, Ginny.” Minerva shouted.

Yep, definitely not a Weasley, he thought as the girl nervously approached the stool.

“GGGGGGGryffindor! Said the sorting hat as cheers erupted from the Gryffindor house table.

“Lovegood, Luna”

An absent-minded looking girl almost floated towards the stool, staring at something on the wall that he couldn’t see.

“Ravenclawwwww!” shouted the hat.

“Granger, Lydia”

The red-haired girl walked forward and smiled. Ah, yes, he should have known with teeth like that that she was a Granger.

“GGGGGGGryffindorrrrr! “Exclaimed the sorting hat and Severus noticed that she hugged the Weasley girl before being seated.

He needed to get his head out of the clouds. He was acting like Sarai now and he couldn’t develop a soft spot for any student. There were no exceptions. They were all dunderheads anyways, at least most of the time. He’d have to wait until he had her in potions class to see what her personality was like, she was just another student after all and if she were a Gryffindor she’d probably be a thorn in his side anyways.

Meanwhile, he noticed there were two deviants missing from the Gryffindor House table. He had received a copy of The Evening Prophet with the Owl post just prior to the Sorting ceremony and was appalled at the headline. He now put two and two together. This was the last straw with these boys! He decided to excuse himself in this moment to find out where Potter and Weasley were and what they were up to. He made sure to pass behind Sarai on his way out and with a subtle and unseen wave of his wand he magicked the bottle of potion along with a note on a piece of- parchment into the pocket of her cloak that was draped over her chair.

Sarai felt him pass behind her as she pretended to be interested in what the blonde buffoon next to her had to say. She glanced sideways out of her peripheral and could just see his black pointed boots walking across the stone floor towards the exit. She waited until he had a big enough head start before she began to follow him, a convenient distraction to remove herself from this tedious conversation. He was up to something, she knew how his mind worked, and it was always working. She had noticed him staring at Lily 2.0 and wondered if this had to do with that.

“Excuse me Gilderoy, I’ve got to be off. Meditation time, very strict.” She lied before quickly leaving the table. She didn’t want to lose him.

Severus slipped out a side door of the Great Hall into a dark and deserted corridor and lurked there in the shadows. He knew the two mischief-makers would be approaching the entryway at any moment, expecting no repercussions for their stupid actions. He crept down the corridor, keeping a hand on the cool stonewall as he heard voices just around the corner from where he stood, hidden, in the shadows. He listened closely, not wanting to miss a single word.

“Hang on…where’s Snape?” Harry muttered.

“Maybe he’s ill,” said Ron hopefully.

“Maybe he’s left because he didn’t get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job _again!”_ Chuckled Harry.

Severus scoffed. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on the pair of them.

“Or maybe he was sacked…I mean everyone hates him–“

_“I don’t hate him”_ Sarai thought, “I should, but I don’t.”

She was still spying, making sure to stay a good distance behind him, but close enough to just make out what the boys were saying. This was going to get intense in 3,2…

“–Or maybe he’s waiting to hear why you two didn’t arrive on the Hogwarts Express.” Severus said, startling the boys, his voice so cold it gave Sarai a chill down her spine. “Follow me”

Sarai watched as the boys followed Severus to his office in the dungeons with their heads down, not daring to utter a word. She allowed them to get several paces ahead of her. She knew the destination so there was no need to risk following too closely behind. She stopped just outside his office door and could hear that great baritone voice shouting.

“You were seen!” Snape seethed with fury in his voice. “FLYING FORD ANGLIA MYSTIFIES MUGGLES” he read the headline.

(Sarai’s jaw dropped, she hadn’t seen the Evening Prophet yet.)

The boys tried to explain themselves but he wasn’t having it with their lame excuses! Every time they tried to speak he cut them off.

“Silence!”

“Wait here.” She heard him say sternly and heard footsteps coming towards the door. She quickly dashed around the corner within mere seconds of being found out but Severus was seething so badly he wouldn’t have noticed her if she was right in front of him. Not a peep was coming out of his office. His effect was so strong he had managed to shut the two of them up, even in his absence. That was kind of a turn on she had to admit. Before she knew it, he was heading back, with Minerva in tow. Sarai inched further back into the shadows until they were both out of sight. This time Severus closed the door as if he knew someone might be listening.

“Damn it!” she thought. Well, surely the boys had a good reason although it was a very stupid and risky thing to do (she was fascinated by the flying car though, she knew she saw something fly by the train window) and surely Albus wouldn’t allow Potter to be expelled. He was safer here at Hogwarts and Albus had a mission to protect the kid, The Boy Who Lived. Sarai turned and quietly headed down the dark, torch-lit corridor and out of the dungeons when a silky voice behind her made her heart jump out of her chest.

“Next time you plan to eavesdrop, Professor Soleil, perhaps try an invisibility charm.” He shrugged.

She could almost feel him smirking. “Damn it Severus, you nearly gave me heart failure!” He did have a point though and she couldn’t believe she didn’t think of something so simple.

He looked at her sideways, brow arched, before blowing past her, cloak billowing, towards Albus’ office, a smirk plastered across his face. She had spoken with him playfully all was not lost.

If she knew Severus, which she did, he was about to go have a little tantrum. She chuckled audibly at the thought of the grown man whining and complaining to Albus.

Severus was furious! Potter and Weasley were breaking the rules again and getting away with it yet again. They came to Hogwarts in a flying car and not only were they spotted by no less than seven muggles but they greatly damaged the Whomping Willow, one of the oldest trees on the grounds. If it were up to him they would have been expelled but unfortunately Minerva didn’t feel the same way. Shocker, Harry and his friends get let off the hook again. No one seemed to care that he himself believed in following the rules. Sometimes he wondered why there were even rules in place if no one bothered to be held accountable for following them.

Sarai eventually made her way up to the Astronomy Tower, but not before sneaking in to the kitchens and grabbing a couple of treacle tarts before they were all gone, the house elves were always overjoyed when she stopped in and would literally give her whatever she wanted but she never bothered them to do anything special for her, she just grabbed what was leftover before it was magicked away. She was exhausted as she climbed the stairs to her chambers; the first day back was always a long one. She closed her chamber door behind her and removed her cloak. She was about to levitate it to the coat rack when she felt a bit of weight in the pocket and couldn’t remember placing anything in there. She reached her hand inside and gripped something cylindrical and smooth, a vial. She removed it from the pocket and opened the parchment that was attached to it.

“I failed you. I’m sorry” was all it said with instructions on how to take the potion. Normally she would never ingest an unmarked potion bottle but she knew whom it must be from and what it must be for.

Sarai smiled, she knew he must have spent his entire summer working on this and worried about her. He could have just given it to her in person but he had to make everything so dramatic all of the time. As an empath she had always been so good at reading others emotions. Well they just kind of flooded and consumed her and she couldn’t help but feel them, but she had been wrong about him. Back then, before he was able to turn off his emotions, she thought she felt his love for her so strongly, but his love was for Lily, not for her…or was she mistaken again?

She took the potion as instructed, made herself a cuppa tea, changed into her pajamas, magicked a fire into the hearth and cozied up in bed. A draught came through the open window as she fell asleep, imagining she was snuggled up to Severus, with her head in the crook of his neck, while he stroked her back slowly and gently, up and down her spine.


	8. Foes & Lovers.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chamber of Secrets has been re-opened and for some reason, Potter always seems to be at the scene of the crime. Severus feels guilty about what he did to Sarai. Why was she protecting him? Theres the matter of "The Dueling Club", and Sarai finally speaks her mind.

Why did Potter and his friends always have to be in the wrong place at the wrong time!? How the hell was he supposed to protect him if he was always seeking out trouble? Filch’s goddamn cat had been petrified and who was first on the scene? None other than Potter and his gang of miscreants. He was surprised that Miss Granger was amongst them, she seemed smarter than that but he guessed she was just an insufferable little know it all. He wondered if her sister would be the same, constantly raising her hand so eagerly, always having to be the first with the correct answer. In a way he hoped the Lydia girl annoyed him, he couldn’t go all soft and ruin his reputation and the girl somehow looked almost exactly as Lily did at that age; it was both weirding him out and intriguing him at the same time.

Sarai showed up last to the scene, with a slight limp to her step, using a hand carved, knotted-wood walking stick with a great Opal sphere fixed to the top, to help with her balance, due to the injuries he had caused her last year. It pained him greatly to see her this way, he took everything away from her and she was being so graceful about it. He didn’t understand why. She was so livid that day (he didn’t blame her), in fact, he had never seen that much anger or rage come out of her, ever. Yet, here he was, still teaching at Hogwarts. He felt guilty. 

To his (rather pleasant) surprise, Sarai limped right over to where he stood, their hands only inches away from touching, and glanced up at him out of the corner of her eye. His heart raced. He couldn’t worry about what that meant now (what did it mean though, was she actually forgiving him?). The Chamber of Secrets had been opened. He had heard rumors about the last time. A student died. Hogwarts was nearly shut down. Hagrid was accused but of course, in true Albus fashion, he fought for his innocence, just as he had fought for  _ his _ own. He silently wondered who at the school could have possibly opened it? Could it have been Lockhart? He honestly seemed way too dim-witted to pull off something like that. No, not Lockhart and as much as he despised the boy, he had to admit to himself that he knew it wasn’t him either but he still felt the need to pester him, like he somehow deserved it. He asked Albus for permission to speak on the matter.

“Perhaps, Headmaster, Potter and his friends were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time,” he said with a sneer.

“However, it is suspicious that they were in this corridor at all and not at the Halloween Feast with the rest of the students.” he continued. 

“What is your excuse?” he turned suddenly to face them.

He could see the loathing for him on Potter’s face. He looked way too much like his father for his own good. They gave their excuses but something was suspicious about the three of them, something didn’t add up. It triggered memories of his school days when the Marauders, who were always getting themselves into trouble and never getting punished, teased and bullied him.

Severus suggested to Albus that Potter wasn’t being entirely truthful and should have privileges taken away, such as Quidditch. He knew that would get under the boy's skin. Part of him felt bad for punishing him just because of his uncanny resemblance to James but he couldn’t help himself, it was like he was getting his revenge and he enjoyed it too much, even if it was at the boy's expense.

Well, Minerva quickly shot down that idea. They were like good cop, bad cop, the two of them and Potter always seemed to be protected from any real punishment.

“Innocent until proven guilty, Severus” Albus said sternly.

Severus was furious and Filch was seething mad, bitching about his precious cat being petrified. He secretly hoped those mandrakes would be ready in record time so he didn’t have to listen to the squib carry on and on about poor Mrs. Norris. What a stupid name for a cat. He didn’t really think Potter had anything to do with it directly but there was still no explanation as to what the boy and his friends were up to. They were always, up to something. He wanted to talk to Sarai, to bounce ideas off of her, like he used to do way back when, but she had disappeared. She might have attempted a wandless healing spell on the cat if she hadn’t lost the magic in one of her hands, if  _ he _ hadn’t taken it from her. He looked around, but she was nowhere in sight. She must have gone back up to the Astronomy Tower, he thought to himself. His legs started to carry him that way when he suddenly snapped out of it and remembered that they were barely speaking to one another. He deserved it. He deserved worse, really. It seemed that she still had told no one and he didn't understand why she would continue to protect him after enduring his horrific actions. 

He shook his head, feeling shame for himself and walked back into Lockhart's office where there was still the matter of the petrified cat. Albus was reassuring Argus that his beloved cat was not dead, the mandrakes would be ready soon and a potion would be made as quickly as possible, when the insufferable idiot chimed in and announced that he would gladly make the potion.

“Are you kidding me?” Severus thought to himself.

“I believe I am the Potions Master at this school” he said coldly before turning and walking out, cloak billowing behind him like the wings of a bat.

Sarai had limped over to the library. She couldn’t believe this was happening. She had heard rumors that the Chamber of Secrets had been opened before and someone had died. It disgusted her to think that the word “Mudblood” was still thrown around so loosely. There was still such classism in the Wizarding society and the Malfoy family was really starting to get under her skin, messing with her zen. It honestly wasn’t much different than the Muggle world she had come to know so well. She had gone to the library to check out a copy of “Hogwarts _ : A History”,  _ to see if she could find anything useful about the creation of the Chamber. This was serious and she felt so useless. She could barely even perform a simple healing charm with her dominant hand being absolutely useless. She silently cursed Severus under her breath. She knew he was tortured over it though, she could see it in his face every time he looked at her (or didn’t look at her). The potion he had made helped numb the pain a bit and she was finally able to sleep without tossing and turning but it wasn’t making the magic come back. She wondered if it ever would. She wondered if her and Sev would ever speak to each other again. She wanted him to come to her but she didn’t think that would ever happen. The ball was in her court she supposed and she knew she had to do something to get the conversation going, because knowing him, he was living in a world of self-pity.

Severus headed to the Great Hall alone for lunch. He stopped just shy of the main entrance as he spotted Prince Charming,leaning his arm up against the stonewall, openly flirting with a beautiful purple-haired woman.  _ His _ beautiful purple-haired woman. Ok, so she wasn’t exactly his and he wasn’t exactly sure why he cared who she flirted with, wait,  _ was _ she flirting back? Suddenly Sarai looked up and locked eyes with Severus, catching him watching her. She furrowed her brow and glared at him and he quickly pretended to be interested in a book he was carrying as he hurried into the Great Hall, passing the still jabbering Lockhart. He could feel Sarai’s gaze follow him all the way to the staff table. He swore he could feel her amber eyes burning holes into him as he silently ate his lunch. He didn’t dare look up. He ate that way, in silence, as quickly as he could before excusing himself and hurrying back to the Lab before his next class.

Now that Colin Creevy had been petrified as well, it was getting harder and harder to keep the students focused on their lessons and he needed extra time to prepare for mindless mistakes and resulting accidents. To top it off someone set off a firework in class today and he just knew Potter had something to do with it. If he could only prove it. He walked swiftly to the Great Hall for dinner so that he could tell the Headmaster about his day, when his thoughts were suddenly disrupted. 

“Uh, Severus, a word?’ came an arrogant voice from behind him.

It was Lockhart, what the hell did he want?

“I have a job for you my man.” he announced cheerfully.

“Not interested.” Severus replied coldly.

“Ah, but you haven't even heard what it is yet! It will be fun! he smiled showing all his obnoxiously white teeth.

“Well, spit it out then, what is it?” He asked impatiently.

“Dueling Club! I’ve got permission from ol’ Dumbledore to start it. Great way to pick up witches, if you know what I mean, and I’ve got my eye on one in particular.” He winked.

Severus seethed on the inside as his lips pursed.

“Anyways, I need a worthy opponent to show the students how a duel is properly performed, what do you say mate?” He asked.

“I’m not your mate” Severus said through gritted teeth. He didn’t want to oblige the arrogant man but he also knew this could be the perfect opportunity to embarrass him in front of the students, drawing attention to what he was sure Albus had already figured out. This man was an obvious fraud. Severus jumped at the idea of putting him in his place. He also figured Sarai would be there as he assumed  _ that _ was the conversation he had stumbled upon before lunch.

“Fine.’ He responded after several long moments of contemplation and turned on his heel to get as far from Lockhart as possible.

“Thursday evening next, in the Great Hall!” Lockharts voice called out after him. 

He raised his arm, signifying that he had heard the incorrigible man, without having to turn around and actually speak to him any longer, and continued walking. If he played his cards right, he might actually be able to teach the students something useful.

The following Thursday, Sarai decided to humor Lockhart and showed up at the dueling club as he had invited her to do. His proposition to watch a “real man” win a duel was quite intriguing to her as she was sure he couldn’t possibly be referring to himself; she didn't even think he could win a duel against a toddler who hadn’t even come into its powers yet. She was curious as to whom this “real man” might be. 

She stood in the back of the classroom against a wall. Some of the students noticed her, others said hi but nobody really seemed to mind her presence. 

Lockhart gathered the students around and called his “assistant” up to the stage. The crowd of students, except for the Slytherins, seemed to instinctively back up a few inches as a curtain of shiny black hair gleamed in the sunlight that was piercing through the windows. Sarai’s eyes widened as a sly smile crept across her lips. This was the last person she would have ever expected to accept Lockhart’s invitation to be his assistant; but he  _ was _ a real man indeed. She was sure he must have something humiliating planned for Gilderoy and she couldn’t wait to see what that was. She didn’t think that either of the two men noticed her as she lurked in the shadows, behind the rest of the group. 

She watched as they took the traditional dueling stance, Severus barely moving his torso as he bowed, while the other man practically curtsied. Severus, so quick, that “Expelliarmus!” 

was out of his mouth before Lockhart even knew what hit him.  _ There _ was the cunning Slytherin she knew. She could feel her heart flutter. He had always had that effect on her. (She hated herself a little for this but deep down she knew that Sev must be punishing himself for what had happened last year.) A snigger escaped her as she bashfully put her hand to her mouth, as if to hide the evidence. But it was too late, Severus spotted her. They locked eyes and she smirked at him before looking down at a spot on the ground. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping, a bit haggard and older.

She decided to stay for a bit to see if there would be any more excitement but Lockhart must have been too embarrassed. He said it was obvious that Severus was going to disarm him. HA! She hoped the students could see right through that and realize that Severus had just taught them a very valuable spell but the girls seemed to be all swoony, “ugh”. Lockhart began to pair off the students and she took that as her cue to leave, but then, she heard the familiar deep baritone pair up Potter and Malfoy. These boys were rivals and he knew it. She wondered what he was playing at and why he had to be so cruel to Lily’s kid all the time. She stayed to watch as she knew something interesting was bound to happen and she loved a good show! The boys, each with a bone to pick with each other and it showed. They blasted each other with spell after spell. Suddenly, the Malfoy boy issued a snake from the end of his wand and it slithered towards Harry. Severus instinctively raised his wand to get rid of it, however, Lockhart (rather unfortunately) got to it first and with a wave of his wand, sent the snake flying into the air and plopping back down to the ground, aggravating it even more. As the snake got closer to Harry, he started to whisper and hiss, like he was speaking to it. She looked up at Severus and saw that he had become completely still, all of the deep lines on his face visible, staring intently at the boy; she could almost see the wheels turning. All of the sudden the students all seemed to gasp at once, the serpent changed direction, in what appeared to be from the orders of Potter, and went straight for Justin Finch-Fletchley ready to strike before it suddenly slunk to the ground and lay motionless. Sarai’s mouth hung open in astonishment, Harry Potter spoke parseltongue and she was  _ dying _ to talk to Severus about it. She was  _ dying _ to talk to him about anything and everything. She had always had a habit of being long-winded and he had a habit of listening patiently. They had had some really deep talks once upon a time, now it was all, “What do you want?” or, silent treatment. And why was he ignoring her? She was the one who should be pushing him away! She knew why though. He probably hated himself for what he did, and there was no excuse for it, but she knew she had to forgive him, if anything, for herself, so that she could move on from it. 

That evening, Severus decided to skip dinner and stayed behind in the potions classroom to grade parchments. Truthfully, he was too distracted by the day's earlier events and he wanted to be alone. Potter, a parseltongue!? How could it be? Could he actually be the heir of Slytherin? “The Boy Who Lived” was not enough for him, Severus supposed. He couldn’t allow himself to believe that though. He may have looked just like James but he was starting to realize that the boy was much more like Lily. He smiled slightly at the thought. He definitely had her eyes.

Sarai stared at the empty seat at the staff table for about an hour before she realized that Severus probably wasn’t coming to dinner. She knew where he must be and saw this as her opportunity to to take action. She waited for Albus to finish the announcements and then proceeded to make a plate with all of Sev’s favorite foods. If he wasn’t going to come to dinner, she would bring dinner to him, he had to be hungry after that manly display of wits in the dueling club earlier. 

He had just finished grading Crabbe’s dreadful essay (he was just as dim-witted as his father), when Sarai stormed through the door, with authority and a dinner plate in her hand? She pulled out her wand and magicked the door shut in one swift motion, without even a glance backwards and he heard the lock click. She would have been able to do that with just a wave of her hand before what he did to her. 

“Uh-oh” Severus thought, taken aback and frozen to the spot at the sight of her.  _ This _ was the confrontation he had been dreading. He never thought she would want to be in a room alone with him ever again and his heart seemed to stop beating in his chest. He noticed she didn’t have the walking stick she had been using earlier and he silently hoped she was feeling stronger. He involuntarily arched an eyebrow at her entrance.

“Now you listen to me, Sev!” she shouted as tears started to stream down her face. All those years, (she set the plate down) all those years, I loved you! I loved you and you could never see me! All you saw was her! She was one of my closest friends, you were supposed to be my best friend, and I loved you, and you loved her! It killed me inside! I gave you everything!!! Even when you knew her feelings for James, you still pined for her! You still love her now! You didn’t care that I gave you the most precious gift I could ever give to anyone! You used me! Why did you take it from me if you didn’t feel that way for me!? Did you imagine I was her!? Why would I stay in touch with you and allow my heart to break again and again!? Why!?” She continued to shout at him. She had unconsciously moved closer and closer to him in her rage and was now almost in his face. He was so tall but she felt that she was dominating him at the moment. 

Severus tried not to lose it. This was very intense. He couldn’t cry in front of anyone, not her anymore, but he could feel his lip quivering. He wouldn’t let her get to him! He didn’t want to let on how intimidated he was; He, Severus Snape! And he deserved it, so he said nothing, not even when she brought up Lily.

“Say something! Say something, damn it!” She pleaded as the tears continued to stream down her face.

He opened his mouth but he had suddenly forgotten how to speak.

In a gentler tone, Sarai said, “You know what Sev, I forgive you. I forgive you for never allowing yourself to see me. For always pushing me aside. I forgive you for the pain you caused me, both emotionally and physically. I forgive you, so that I can release the hurt in my heart, because i don’t want to hurt anymore-

-and then, catching him completely off guard, she cupped his face gently in her soft hands and pressed her lips to his, kissing him, sweetly at first, and then, when he gave in, the kiss became ferocious and passionate, just like when they were sixteen. His tears finally started to spill and mix with hers; he could taste them as their tongues came together in a mix of pent up pain and pleasure, dancing the Paso Doble inside their mouths. 

She pressed her body up against his, she didn’t want to stop, he felt so good, but she had to. She could get lost in him. She then broke away, licked her lips seductively and stormed out of the classroom without looking back. She had to brace herself against the wall, she was literally shaking, partly due to the adrenaline coursing through her veins and partly due to her bad hip. She realized she had fled the Great Hall in such haste that she left her walking stick behind. She removed her 13 1/2 inch Birchwood wand with a silver Crescent Moon at the base, two twinkling gold stars and a Wolfsbane Stem core from her robes and said, “Accio walking stick!” It came whizzing through the dungeon corridor over the students heads. Some passing Slytherin stared at her and then moved on. She didn’t really think that through very thoroughly but she was injured and in shock, damn it! She couldn’t believe what she had just done back there. She licked her lips again. He tasted of peppermint and black coffee and she smiled and blushed a little as she finally composed herself and headed back up to the Astronomy Tower. 

Severus was baffled. He just stood there, frozen, with his jaw open, tears staining his cheeks, not really sure what just happened. He pinched himself to make sure he was awake.

“This whole time she loved me and I never saw it?” He thought. “I never let myself see it. I broke her heart and didn’t even know it. Or did I? Now she’s released me? I always thought she was the one who broke  _ my _ heart. What does this mean? Will we never speak again? I’ve let so much time go by. I should have gone after her, now, and all those years ago. What have I done?” The thoughts raced through his mind as he tried to process what had just happened, still tasting her on his lips. He looked down and saw the forgotten dinner plate that she had set upon one of the tables. His first instinct was to run after her, to bring it to her, to beg forgiveness, but he knew her and knew that she probably needed her space. Upon closer look at the plate, he saw all of his supper time favorites and realized it’s intended recipient. Even in all her rage, she still managed a sweet gesture for him. His eyes started to well up again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long you guys, it's been a busy month. Thanks for sticking with Parallels. This story has just been waiting to pour itself out of my head. I hope you are enjoying it. <3 I'm trying to get at least a chapter a month published. I have no plans to stop writing; some chapters just take longer than others as I'm constantly editing. This is a very long story as it will go beyond the first 7 books and we're only on CoS :P I may end up making two or three parts but not sure yet. We'll see how it all unfolds. Anyways, thanks again for reading!


	9. Amortentia.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sev and Sarai STILL have not spoken since the kiss. Sarai is frustrated at the lack of communication so she decides to try a different tactic. Severus feels confused and conflicted.

_By the end of their first year at Hogwarts, Sarai was so intrigued by Severus (Sev, that’s what Lily called him). She asked if it was okay for her to call him by his shortened name as well and he said he didn’t mind and as they became closer, it turned into Sevy. His hair was dark and messy and slightly longer than the other boys. He had deep espresso colored eyes that seemed to pierce her soul. She liked it when he looked at her but she didn’t know why. She didn’t understand why other students bullied him so much, especially James Potter and Sirius Black. They had never met Severus prior to Hogwarts, and she didn’t know what they had against him. He was smart and polite, a little shy and kind of cute. She figured they were probably just jealous of him and his two female friends. She never saw any girls hanging around James and Sirius, only other boys like the quiet one, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew who kind of resembled a rat and seemed like he just tagged along with the popular kids. They were all Gryffindors and they were always trying to get Lily to sit with them during meals and hang out with them. Sarai, Sev and Lily were pretty much inseparable though, at least in their first couple of years at Hogwarts, until Lily became closer with James and Sirius and Severus became more interested in the Dark Arts. Sarai was glad she had been sorted into Slytherin with Sev, she was glad she had him as a companion and she didn’t mind his dark nature, in fact, it fascinated her. She would eventually learn about his traumatic childhood as the years went on and their relationship grew-_

-the door burst open and Sarai was abruptly startled from her thoughts. She wiped a bit of drool from the corner of her mouth onto her sleeve as her N.E.W.T. level students began to enter the classroom for their astronomy lesson. There had been so much on her mind since she kissed Severus last week and her anxious thoughts were beginning to consume her. He hadn’t said a word to her about it, in fact, he would barely look at her. She could feel his eyes on her though, those times when he stole a glance and thought she wouldn’t notice. She had told him that she had released him and she hoped that he didn’t take that literally, she had meant that she had released him from the past that she hadn’t been able to let go of. But who was she kidding, she still thought of the times past, when things were simpler between the two of them. She was afraid that she may have intimidated him too much for him to ever come to her. Sometimes she could be a lot and she knew it. She was a Taurus, just like her father, and when she saw red, the bull inside of her was unleashed and she couldn’t stop it from fixating on its target, not even with all of the yoga and meditation she did; the bull was unstoppable. 

He definitely kissed her back, there was no question about that and he let his guard down around his heart, whether it was intentional or accidental. He wanted her too, she could feel it for the first time in a while. In that moment, as the class was starting to settle down, she had the brilliant idea to brew amortentia, make him smell it and ask him what the scent was? At the time, she didn’t really think of the matter of _how_ she’d get him to agree to it. 

“Good afternoon class!” She said airily while getting up from her desk and moving to the front of the classroom.

“Good afternoon Professor Soleil”, they said in unison like a small chorus.

Severus paced back and forth in his study. He often did this when something was on his mind (and so much was on his mind these days). He had learned to shut off his emotions long ago, back when Sarai left, so that nobody could feel what he was feeling. Once he became a Death Eater, he could not risk The Dark Lord, or any of the others to know his true pain. He could not appear weak. He had accomplished this and became numb to all emotion, but being around Sarai gave him feeling again. If he wasn’t careful, she would be able to read him and he couldn’t let that happen. Why he still wouldn’t let her in, especially after that kiss (his fondest memory in a long time), he wasn’t sure. She had been so open to him and he just kept shutting himself off. The truth was, he really didn’t know how to respond to her. He didn’t know what to say. He used to find it so easy and natural to talk to her, but everything was different now. He was confused. Conflicted. He wondered if she still loved him now? He wanted to speak with her so badly, to tell her everything, but he knew he couldn’t, for it may very well put her in danger and she had already been in enough danger to last several lifetimes. 

_“Severus, do you think the Soleil girl could be the Secret-Keeper?” Voldemort asked with an eerie glimmer in his eye._

_Severus’ heart dropped to his stomach at the mention of her name and he quickly blocked the emotion, “I hear they aren’t close anymore My Lord, I don’t think The Potters would choose someone who wasn’t in their close inner circle.”_

_“That may be true, Severus, but I want to keep my eye on her, on all of them. I feel that they have something that I want and I am going to find it. I am going to find them.” he said mercilessly._

_“My Lord, what could they possibly have that you want? He implored._

_“Severus, that is none of your concern.” he replied coldly._

_“I am going to send Lucius to look for them. They are hidden well now, but he will find them” Voldemort said with a cackle._

_“Send me, My Lord.” Severus said almost too quickly._

_“Why would I send my most loyal servant away? No, I need you here Severus, I have a more important job for you.” he commanded._

_Severus tried to suppress his worry and concern. He could not let The Dark Lord know of his history with Sarai, it could put her in grave danger and Lily was already in grave danger because of his stupid mistake. He had to figure out what The Dark Lord wanted from The Soleil’s and he had to find out fast. He knew he had to go to Dumbledore, he had the right to know that his family was in trouble and it was his only hope for protection for the ones he had cared about the most. He realized how stupid it was to come this far and he had to get out of the mess that he had gotten himself into._

He snapped out of the memory. It was too painful to allow his mind to wander to the past. He had ruined too many lives. Never intentionally but he was too eager to please The Dark Lord, someone who finally appreciated him and praised him and gave him the fatherly attention he so craved. The attention he never received as a child. Finally he felt he mattered and he let that feeling of acceptance cloud his judgment. He knew he often acted much too quickly in order to receive praise instead of being patient and just listening. He was ashamed of himself, of who he had let himself become. Albus tried to convince him that it was in the past now and that he had changed since then. He reminded him that one day he would be able to redeem himself, when The Dark Lord returned. Albus was sure that He was going to return and Severus dreaded that day, for it was the day when he would finally have to play his role. The impending return of the Darkest Wizard of all time was part of the reason he was shutting Sarai out and he knew it. He was honestly terrified at the thought of putting her in any more danger. He remembered his rage at the end of last term as he looked at himself in the mirror (he looked haggard, his eyes had dark circles around them from lack of sleep and the lines on his face had grown deeper). _He_ was presently more of a danger to her than anything or anyone else and he felt total remorse at the thought of it. He went down to his chambers to get ready for what would probably be another restless night. 

Sarai awoke in a cold sweat. Another nightmare. She couldn’t remember the last time that she’d slept through the night, or had a pleasant dream for that matter. She almost had all of the ingredients to brew her Amortentia. She couldn’t believe that she was actually going to do it, but something had to give for Merlin’s sake, she was tired of being ignored by him. All she wanted was the chance to talk to him, to clear the air, to explain herself and her actions.

She tried to fall back asleep but it was useless, so she decided to get her arse out of bed and start the day with her usual kundalini yoga routine and meditation. Breathing in and breathing out. Focusing on the present. Centering herself. She was glad it was a Hogsmeade weekend, she’d finally be able to get the rest of the ingredients she needed to brew her potion. She didn’t dare ask Severus for the ingredients; for one, he still wasn’t speaking to her and for two, he would easily figure out what she was up to. He was not a stupid man.

Gilderoy had volunteered to be one of the chaperones for the trip into the village and she was not looking forward to the walk down, as she knew he would relentlessly flirt with her no matter how cold she was towards him, and she was right. She secretly hoped that Severus didn’t think that _she_ was actually into the arrogant jerk. She did her best to avoid him but he always seemed to just be there. Eventually she was able to excuse herself to the ladies room and sneak off through a back door in The Three Broomsticks. Madam Rosmerta had been close friends with her parents and had always been very kind to Sarai. She always seemed to know what to do in situations like these. She handed Sarai a warm butterbeer to go on her way out, since the winter weather was quickly approaching and there was a chill to the air. 

Sarai rushed back to the castle, ahead of the students on her way back from Hogsmeade, as fast as her broken body could carry her. She had things to do and she could not get back to her chambers fast enough, _plus_ she wanted to ditch Lockhart as quickly as she could. She paused as she caught sight of Severus near the main entrance but he quickly looked away, pretending to be interested in something else. Her heart longed for him, for some semblance of the relationship they once had. She was glued to the spot, staring at the back of him, taking in the definition of his waist, but he never looked back towards her. She pushed through the students, who’d now caught up with her, to make her way upstairs to her chambers. 

“Sarai!”

“Sarai!”

She heard Gilderoy shout after her but she pretended not to hear him and allowed herself to get “lost” in the sea of students.

Once she finally reached her chambers, she closed the door, leaned up against it and sighed. It had been an exhausting day already and she still had more to do before dinner. She shook the small vials of moonstone powder and pearl dust out of her purple crushed velvet satchel and onto her bed. She already had the Ashwinder eggs, peppermint and rose petals and thorns from her own blooming garden. She got her cauldron and fire set up and began the process of brewing this advanced potion. Severus may have been the Potions Master at this school but she had always had a knack for it herself, she understood ingredients and how they worked together to create the desired result, which may have had a lot to do with her career as a top chef in the muggle world. She _did_ receive “Exceeds Expectations” on her O.W.L. 's after all. She was fortunate to spend most of her time as a student assisting a mastermind at his own creations. She beamed with pride at all that she had learned from him.

Severus noticed Sarai hobble quickly across the threshold, her hair pulled back into a tight ponytail and her winter cloak wrapped around her shivering body. She hated the cold and he thought of cozying up with her in front of a warm hearth, sharing a blanket, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. She caught his gaze briefly before he quickly looked away distracting himself from those nonsensical thoughts. Eventually he dared to turn back around and watched her disappear into the sea of students returning from the town. He wondered what had her in such a hurry, then he heard Lockhart shout after her and he understood. He smiled briefly at her elusiveness because it showed him that she was ignoring the arrogant fools advances. 

He wondered why he couldn’t just say hello and ask her what she meant by that kiss. That _kiss..._ he thought of that as he entered his chambers to wash up before dinner and by the time he got to the shower, he hadn’t stopped thinking about that. He felt slightly ashamed at thinking of her in such a disrespectful way but the release was everything that he needed to ease the tension in his body and mind. He would be able to go to dinner with a clear head now.

  
  


Nine days later, Sarai awoke to her potion emitting a spiraling steam. she noticed the mother-of-pearl sheen and knew that it was finally complete. Today would be the day. She quickly bottled it so that it did not lose any of its potency and sat it on her desk. She wasn’t quite sure what her plan was. How would she get him to smell it and even if he agreed, would he tell her what he smelled? Could she trick him into smelling it? She really didn’t want to resort to trickerry, their relationship (or lack of one) was as delicate as the rose petals in the potion she had just brewed. In the end, she decided it was best to just ask him, if he declined, there was nothing that she could do, but it had to be his choice. She’d do it after dinner, just in case things got even more awkward then they already were.

She slipped the freshly-brewed Amortentia into her sweater pocket, summoned her walking stick, and made her slow trek down to The Great Hall. At least she remembered the pattern of the changing staircases as she had memorized them as a student. Her heart was beating so fast, she was nervous, she didn’t think she'd even be able to stomach any dinner until she had done what she had intended to do. She took her usual seat, next to Hagrid, making sure there wasn’t an empty seat next to her that Lockhart could sneak into. He had been making a habit of doing that and she didn’t need Severus all jealous when she wanted to convince him to do something. She glanced slyly out of the corner of her eye to see Sev seated to the right of Albus, not paying her any attention, so she struck up a conversation with her old pal, Hagrid, so that no one would notice that she hadn’t touched her dinner. She’d take it to go. She’d leave a tiny note on her plate for one of the house-elves to save it for her and she’d pick it up after she saw Severus. The house-elves would do anything for her, she’d spent so much time sneaking into the kitchens during her years as a student and she had befriended many of them. As the meal was cleared away for dessert and Albus made his closing announcements, she started to feel anxious again, so she took a few deep breaths and got a grip on herself.

The students and staff started to slowly file out of the Great Hall. She saw Severus leave out of the side exit and she began to follow him, when someone called her name, causing her to stop in her tracks. She couldn’t just ignore _that_ voice as she did Lockhart’s.

“Sarai, is everything alright?” her Uncle inquired.

“Yes, everything is fine Uncle Albus” she replied hastily. For she had somewhere she needed to be, urgently!

“Your classes are going well?” he asked.

Oh for Merlin’s sake, she really did not have time to be making small talk right now! She _had_ to catch Severus before he retired to his chambers and she knew that if she timed it just right, she would find him in his study, grading papers.

“Everything is going splendidly, Uncle Albus. Everything okay with you?” She asked out of politeness.

“Are you sure nothing is on your mind?”

“I am well, thank you.” he added (out of politeness also, she assumed).

She was sure that he knew there was something going on between her and Severus, and she suspected that he knew Sev had something to do with her injuries, although she was glad he never came out and asked. 

“There’s always something on my mind Albus, you know that.” She giggled as she kissed him on the cheek and turned her heel.

“Goodnight!” she shouted out as she finally broke away and hurried to find her man in black.

She quietly pushed the heavy door open and tiptoed into the dark Potions classroom. She saw a stream of light emerging from the partially opened door to his study and she knew that he was exactly where she thought he would be. As she slowly approached the source of light she heard the feverish scratching of quill on parchment and knew that he was deeply caught up in his work (as he usually was). He probably hadn’t even heard her enter. She took a quiet breath through her nose, reached into her pocket to take out the shimmering potion, breathed out slowly and fully through her mouth and pushed open the study door.

Severus arched his eyebrow as he looked up from his work and saw her standing there. He then narrowed them as he eyed the shimmering liquid in the vial in her hand.

“First, you kiss me and now you’ve come to force love potion down my throat, Sarai?” he questioned, with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic!” she scoffed, not missing the fact that he had actually just acknowledged the kiss out loud to her for the first time. “I just want you to tell me what it smells like.”

“No.” he stated plainly as he looked down and started scribbling on his parchments again.

“Tell me Severus, I need to know.” she demanded. He was resisting just as she thought that he would but some naive part of her hoped that he would have a change of heart and finally give in.

“Get out of here Sarai. I have work to do and I’m not playing your silly little games.” He said sternly, not needing to raise his voice, ever.

She scoffed again, slammed the vial down onto his desk and stormed out, leaving the potion behind her. He could tell just by looking at it, that it was brewed perfectly. He smiled. “Silly woman.” He thought. He reached across his desk and grabbed it. “Oh, why not.” he thought. He pulled out the stopper, closed his eyes and took a long whiff. His eyes opened suddenly, although he didn’t know why he was surprised, really.

Sarai left his classroom, feeling aggravated and defeated. Maybe she ought to just give up on him and any chance of a “normal” relationship, she thought. She decided to go for a walk on the grounds to clear her head. She needed to feel the crisp night air on her skin and the cool wind blowing through her hair, and there was a howl in it tonight. She left through the main entrance, forgetting to stop by the kitchens as she had planned on earlier, and circled down to the Black Lake. She walked alongside its banks, breathing in the cool air, centering herself, trying to shut her brain off. She stopped just shy of the tree they used to picnic under and stared up at the clear sky. Fixated on the twinkling diamonds, as she always had been. She _was_ her father’s daughter and she had followed in his footsteps, even if it did take her a while to get there. There had been plenty of roadblocks along the way. 

Severus noticed a figure move past his window, just on the other side of the Black Lake. He opened it slowly so that it wouldn’t make a creak and saw somebody walking slowly along the banks of the lake. He pulled a small telescope out of his pocket (a gift from Sarai from long ago) to get a better look and that is when he spotted the tangled mess of purple hair. It was her. It was Sarai. “What was she thinking, going for a walk, alone, at this hour?” He wondered aloud. He grabbed his cloak and the Amortentia and made to go after her. A house elf startled him as he was on his way through the corridor to the main entrance. 

“Professor Snape, sir.” said the house elf.

“Not now.” he said through gritted teeth as he kept walking. 

The house-elf ran to keep up. “Professor, please, Sarai Soleil has left without her dinner.”

“What?” he finally stopped and looked at the creature quizzically. That's when he noticed the neatly wrapped takeaway box with a big green bow on it.

The House Elf shoved the box into his hands. “Please give it to Sarai Soleil, professor, she’ll be hungry, hardly touched a bite of it.”

“Oh fine!” he said, an air of annoyance in his voice and grabbed the box away from the House Elf and stormed off.

He hurried towards the spot where he had seen her walking and hoped that she was still close by. As he approached the spot, he noticed her, standing near a tree, the same tree where they used to picnic as students, staring up at the sky. He slowly approached, not wanting to startle her, but she was already aware of his presence.

“Can’t a girl get some privacy?” She asked without turning around.

He moved more closely until he was right behind her. 

“Rose petals, nag champa, a bit of patchouli and the faint hint of African violets.” He said every word, slowly and methodically, in that deep, sexy drawl of his. “Sugarplums,” he added.

She turned around and stared directly into his eyes, fighting the smile tugging at her lips. With a jerk of his elbow, he handed her the box of food with the neat bow on top and she absent-mindedly accepted it.

“Well...?” he waited.

“Well, what? she snapped back.

“Aren’t you going to tell me what yours smells like?” He thrust the bottle under her nose and she inhaled. He noticed a faint smile creep across her lips, her closed eyes twitched under their lids. Whatever the scent was, it pleased her greatly.

“Well...?” he asked again.

A blush crept across her cheeks, she never expected him to turn the tables on her. “Oh...well,” she paused, her eyes glistening in the moonlight, “it smells of fresh ink, parchment and black coffee,” she took another whiff, “with a hint of vetiver, sagebrush and musk. You know, kind of, dungeony.”

They briefly held each other's gaze as she watched a tear fall from his eye and roll down his cheek. She wanted to jump into his arms, wrap herself around him and kiss him, but she knew better. She knew that she had to let him come to her, in his own time. He broke away first and in the next moment, he was gone. Black cloak billowing behind him as his long strides carried him closer and closer to the castle, a smile plastered across his face. 

  
  



	10. Memories.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is fast approaching and Sarai feels conflicted about wether or not to get a gift for Severus. An unexpected meeting in Hogsmeade brings Severus more clarity to his relationship with Sarai.

Months went by before he worked up the nerve to speak to her again. It was nearly Christmastime and he wasn’t even sure if she’d be staying at Hogwarts for the break or not. For all he knew, she could be going to Albus’ flat in London, or worse, back to California . He knew he had to speak to her, as soon as possible, away from prying eyes and ears. Why was it so hard for him? Why couldn’t he just have a “normal” conversation with her? Why was he so messed up? He fondly remembered last Christmas when she pleasantly surprised him with a new journal and quill, he never did properly thank her for that, did he? She had always been such a thoughtful person and he didn’t even have the decency to say “thank you”. 

It was the weekend and since he wasn’t busy grading parchments and brooding around the dungeons, for once, he decided that he would head into town to look for an appropriate gift for his estranged lover. It wasn’t a Hogsmeade weekend, so at least he knew he would have some peace and quiet from students. It was, however, nearly Christmas, so the village would be bustling, no doubt, he thought as he exited the castle. He noticed a pair of footprints in the snow on his way out, somebody had the same idea as him. He just hoped it wasn’t anyone that he didn’t want to run into. 

It was a very cold and grey December afternoon. There was a light snow falling, and by the time he reached the village, he was freezing. He stopped first at the Hogshead for some of Ogden’s Old Firewhisky, to loosen himself up a bit and warm his body. He had no idea what to get her, what she needed, or wanted. He had done his best to push her away the last year and a half. No material thing could ever make up for what he had done but he wanted to do something thoughtful for her nonetheless. Perhaps he would know what it was when he saw it. He hoped so at least. 

Sarai paced back and forth in her chambers. She had to get out of the castle today; she had had just about enough of Lockhart’s advances and she was going to snap if she didn’t get away. Hogsmeade would surely be nice today, she thought. It would be busy and freezing as it was nearly Christmas and her broken body ached more in the cold, but anything would be better than being stuck in the castle with Gilderoy around every corner! She turned her gaze to the large window in her chambers and shivered as she looked out onto the dreary day and the snow starting to stick to the branches of the naked trees. So, the California girl dressed in the warmest clothes she could find, threw on her winter cloak, mittens, scarf and hat and cast an invisibility charm on herself so that nobody would see her leave the astronomy tower, or the castle. 

The snow was falling more heavily now, the air was chilly and crisp and Sarai could see her breath form a cloud in front of her. She hurried along before anyone noticed the footprints in the snow with no body attached, making sure not to use her walking stick until she got to the village, since it would be a dead giveaway. Her first stop would be The Hogshead to warm up with a couple shots of firewhisky, then she would browse the shops for some last minute gifts. She hadn’t decided yet if she should get something for Severus or not. Things were still so weird between them. 

Sarai removed the invisibility charm once she approached the village and ducked down the little alley that led to the entrance of The Hogs Head. It certainly wasn’t much warmer in there. She charmed the snow off of herself and removed her cloak and scarf to reveal a soft black cashmere turtleneck sweater. She made her way to the counter and greeted her grandfather. They had never been as close as she was to his brother, Albus, but they had always kept a cordial relationship.

“How about a fire? It’s freezing in here!” her teeth chattered as she spoke.

“Well hello to you too, Sarai” Aberforth smirked. 

Sarai smiled at him warmly. “Hello grandfather, how are things in the village?”

“Things are well. You know how it is this time of year. Lots of hustle and bustle but not much really changes here.” he chuckled while drying a pint glass.

“That’s part of the charm of this dingy old place.” she said. “One can always expect it to feel familiar and that is quite comforting.” 

“ It is indeed!” “Well, what’ll ya have sweetheart?” “Whatever you want is, of course, on the house.” he added.

“I’ll take two shots of Ogden’s Finest, and please, a fire in the hearth! I’m going to catch my death here!” she said dramatically while pulling off her mittens. 

“Coming right up!” he chuckled. He cherished the moments when he could be grandfatherly towards her.” I’ll put a fire on in the back room for you. This crowd has no desire to feel warm and cozy.” he said while scanning the room. 

Sarai followed Aberforth into the back corner of the bar where there was a small room reserved for private parties, or those who didn’t want to be seen by prying eyes. She was quite sure that many shady business deals had probably gone down in this room. If these walls could talk! Aberforth set the drinks down at the booth nearest the fireplace and conjured a cozy fire into the hearth before heading back to the bar.

“If you need anything, “ he called back to her, “you know where to find me.” “Oh, and Sarai?” She looked up at him, “it is lovely to see you, and looking so well.” He smiled at her.

She beamed and thanked her grandfather before removing a small moleskine and quill from her satchel. She took her first shot of Firewhisky (which immediately warmed her whole body) and then began to make a list of anyone she still needed to find gifts for.

Severus walked into the dingy, old bar and nobody so much as looked up at him. That was what he enjoyed most about this place. People tended to mind their own business here. 

“Aberforth,” he grunted at the old barkeep courteously even though he knew the man didn’t trust him.

“Severus, let me guess, Ogden’s, neat.” he replied flatly.

“ Am I that predictable?” Severus asked sarcastically.

“If only.” Aberforth frowned as he slid the glass towards Severus.

He left a galleon on the bar as he glared at the bartender, picked up his Whisky and scanned the room. It was full of the usual shady suspects, of course, so he headed back to the private room where he usually hid out so as not to draw any attention to himself. He was surprised to notice that the room was aglow, and was actually looking forward to some warmth, it was quite cold out today and his toes and fingertips were still frozen. 

Sarai was still contemplating adding Severus’ name to her list when she felt someone enter the room. She looked up and her heart skipped a beat. It was like she thought him into existence and he appeared right there before her, tall, dark, gorgeous. They just stared at each other, both in shock to have run into each other at The Hog’s Head, of all places. It felt like time had frozen. 

She spoke first. 

“S-Severus, what a pleasant surprise!”

He knew he had to make his move now, in this moment. This was a sign if anything ever was one and Sarai had taught him to listen to the signs that were always all around him. 

“Sarai, I...may I join you?” he asked, his stomach in knots.

She was shocked. “Did Severus Snape just actually make a move? Were things going to stop being weird between them, finally”, she wondered?

“Yes, of course. Have a seat.” she managed to compose herself and gestured towards the empty space in front of her.

He took a seat next to her, but not too close. He wasn’t sure where he stood with her yet and he didn’t want to push his luck but just being near her made his heart flutter. They sat there in silence for a few moments, lost in each other’s eyes before he spoke.

“Why didn’t you tell?” he just blurted it out before he could stop himself. The question had been burning in his mind since the end of last term. 

Sarai looked at him, right in the eyes. His ego wanted to look away but his soul knew that she deserved his undivided attention. Her eyes were so beautiful. Big, glowing, amber eyes, that pierced him to the core. She lifted her glass and held it towards him. He took her cue and clinked glasses with her; there was no toast, they weren’t really celebrating anything, just two old friends (or estranged lovers), having a drink next to each other. She threw back the shot of Whisky easily, as he sipped his. He could NOT have a repeat of the last time Sarai had found him here in a drunken stupor. She continued to stare at him, her gaze piercing his soul, and he began to fidget under the table.

Aberforth noticed that the Potions Master had gone into the private room where his granddaughter was seated, so he decided to take a quick peek inside just to make sure everything was okay. He didn’t really trust the man and he knew that he and Sarai had a history, even if she wouldn’t completely confide the details of their relationship to him. He peeked into the room and saw Severus sitting in the booth, next to his granddaughter. They didn’t appear to be speaking, only staring at each other, so he approached the table and cleared his throat, causing both of them to look up at him.

“Everything alright here? Can I get you anything else?” He looked at Sarai.

“Since when do you offer table service, grandpa?” Sarai asked.

Serverus knew that he was probably just keeping an eye on him.

“I’ll have two more shots and another Ogden’s, neat for my friend.” she added.

Aberforth furrowed his brow at Severus and then turned to retrieve the order.

“Wait, did she just call me a friend?” Severus’ inner voice asked.

They continued to sit there in silence, his question lingering in the air, until Aberforth came back with their drinks. 

“I’m cutting you off after this, Sarai” he scolded her.

She glared at her grandfather. “Fine, I have things to do anyways.”

Severus finished what was left of his whisky so that Aberforth could collect the dirty glasses.

Sarai threw back another shot, her third.

“Sarai, maybe you ought to slow--”

“--Don’t.” she interuppted. 

“ I am a grown ass woman and I am capable of making my own decisions.” she snapped back at him.

“I’m sorry.” he said quietly. That phrase held a lot of weight as it was delivered and he searched deep into those haunting amber eyes as he said it, still unsure of where this conversation was going to go.  
“You would have been sacked immediately if I had told Albus.” she finally said. 

“Yes,” he agreed, “but didn’t you want that?”

She sighed. “Part of me did but the other part of me, the part of me that knows the tormented soul encased within your body, knew that it would just make you sink into a deeper darkness, a darkness I didn’t want you to go back to, no matter how angry I was with you.”she continued to look into his eyes.

“Was?” he raised an eyebrow. “Sarai, there is no excuse--”

“--No, no, there isn’t.” she interjected.

Severus looked ashamed and the empath in her felt bad about that. She could feel the pain and grief emanating from his heart chakra.

“Why did you kiss me?” he felt himself blush as he asked the question. 

Sarai stared at him, contemplating for a moment, lips pressed together, before saying, “I want you to look inside of my mind.”

“Here? Now?” he asked quizzically.

“What’s the matter? Nobody else is in here.” she gestured towards the empty room.

“Sarai, are you sure about this? I don’t want you to have to relive any painful memories. I--”

“--Relive them? I  _ am _ living them Severus, every damn day.” she stared at a spot on the wall behind him, fighting back tears.

He nodded in understanding.

“I want you to look. I won't fight it. I want you to look. Please?” she was still looking past him. If she looked at him she might cry and she needed her mind to be open and uncluttered by her emotions.

Severus closed his eyes and she followed suit. She felt him easily penetrate the layers of her mind as she finally opened herself up to him. The first layer was hazy, due to the alcohol swimming in her brain but once he made his way through that, he was head first into the first memory and it was the worst one. He saw himself throw her across the room into the wall and he couldn’t stop the tears. He pulled away. It was too much. He was shaking and his breathing was uneven. He closed his eyes and took a long sip of his whisky, draining the glass.

“I need you to do this, Severus. It’s important to me.” she pleaded with the man. 

He looked like he had seen a ghost and she could literally feel his pain. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it. “Please, Sev.”

His whole body tingled at her touch. Her small hand was so warm in his much larger one and it gave him the same comfort that it had always provided in the past when he was faced with difficult tasks. He looked around and saw that they were still alone, so he closed his eyes and allowed himself to enter the layers of her mind again and she opened herself up willingly. 

_ He saw himself seeing her for the first time on the train to Hogwarts. He noticed the way he looked at her.  _

_ “I-I’m Sarai Soleil.” She said _

_ He saw Lily nudge him and heard himself say, “hi.” _

_ The memory got fuzzy and soon he was in another one. This time they were in their third year, they were holed up in the Room of Requirement. He was watching her watching him brew some potion that he had created. He called her over to look in the cauldron and he saw tears in her eyes, he had just given her the entire Universe. He noticed his own body language as he was staring at her, longingly. _

_ “You’re perfect.” he heard himself say and saw himself lean closer and closer into what would be their first kiss. He felt the thrill of it wash over himself all over again.  _

_ He was swept into yet another memory. _

_ This time she was straddling him on a sofa, again in the Room of Requirement, it was their sixth year.  _

_ “Do you want to touch my breasts?” he heard her say airily.  _

Being inside of a memory was much like being in a dream. Everything was floaty and sounded almost underwater.

_ He saw the way that the younger version of himself looked at her. He looked past her gorgeous body and into her soul. He admired her at that level, even then, everything else was just an added bonus. He saw himself touch her and could feel the passion ignite between them.  _

He was immediately whooshed into another memory.

_ It was near the beginning of their final year as students, Halloween Night. The Room of Requirement was dimly lit with candlelight and there were rose petals of all colors scattered all over the floor. There was a canopied bed in the center of the room, also covered in rose petals and two naked bodies, glowing in the candlelight. He saw himself over her, saw her eyes get big and his roll backwards into his head. It was their first time. They were taking each other's virginities, rather, giving them to each other. He noticed tears leak from her eyes and he saw himself gently wipe them away with his thumb. He kissed her forehead and her nose and her mouth.  _

_ “Are you okay, sugarplum?” he heard himself ask and smiled fondly at the old pet name. _

_ She nodded and kissed him. Then he was rocking back and forth and her legs were wrapped around him. He saw himself watching her, longing for her, falling in love with her. He saw that now, from this perspective. The memory blurred. _

_ Then they were under a tree by the Black Lake (their spot), having a picnic. He noticed Sarai’s lips moving and then the words became clearer.  _

_ “Severus, I think I love you. No, I know I love you.” he heard her say for the first time. He watched as she looked over to him, expecting his response, and saw himself staring across the lake, at Lily, not hearing what Sarai had been saying. He felt ashamed. He watched her stare at him, staring at Lily and he couldn’t take anymore.  _

He pulled out of her mind, shaking and sobbing. Tears were rolling down her cheeks now. 

“That’s why you left,” he sobbed. 

“I was such an idiot!” He placed his elbows on the table, burying his head in his hands as his body continued to shudder.

“Yes, you were.” she agreed while rubbing the palm of her hand in circles on his back, knowing that it would calm him. “I was so sure that you felt the same way and when that happened, I just couldn't keep doing it. I didn’t want to compete with her for your attention. I got the news a few days later that we’d be moving back to California as soon as term ended and I welcomed the chance to get away from you and start a new life. Only I couldn’t let you go and eventually, well, eventually it drove me crazy.”

He sat in silence, contemplating the empty whisky glass, tracing his finger around the rim before pushing it away, and starting on his final drink, so as to have something to do with his fidgeting hands. Sarai noticed his uneasiness and took his nervous hands into hers before showing him a few more memories, those of her parents picking her up directly from Hogwarts that last day and her staring,teary-eyed at the castle, whispering “Goodbye, Severus.” Memories of herself, holding a picture of him in one hand while masturbating with the other. Laying on the floor, in tears, with his letters strewn all around her. He saw her as a chef in her muggle life and finally, he saw her mental breakdown and lock up.

He finally broke away from her memories. The tears had run dry and he just stared at her, paler in the face than he had been before. A whirlpool of thoughts were spinning through his head. Seeing himself through her own eyes was like seeing for the first time. He let go of her hands.

“I should go.” he said quickly, staring at the blazing hearth behind her. 

“Severus,” she stated coldly, “please don’t walk away from me now.” the tears forming in her eyes threatened to spill over.

His own tears were spilling down his cheeks again but he looked right into her eyes this time. 

“Sarai, I am a damn fool.” he declared. “I am not walking away from you, It’s just, I need time to sort through all that I saw. I feel as though I was reliving my life through a new set of eyes. There are so many questions that I need to ask myself. I don’t deserve your patience and understanding but I am asking for it anyways.”

Sarai gazed out of the window, deep in thought, it was nearly dark now. She had been there, inside her head with Severus all afternoon and had not finished her Christmas shopping as she had intended. 

“I guess I’d better get my shopping finished anyways” she said while continuing to stare, absent-mindedly out of the window.

She felt his cool hand gently cradle her face and tilt it towards him. 

“I shall do the same and I’d like to escort you back to the castle when you are ready, if you will allow it?” he questioned nervously.

She stared at him quizzically, “You? Shop?”

“Yes, me, shop.” he smiled. “It is Christmastime, isn’t it? Or am I mistaken?” He asked sarcastically.

Her eyebrow was still raised. “Fine. Meet me at Flourish & Blott’s in an hour. That should give us plenty of time to find what we need and get back to the castle in time to wash up before Dinner.”

They both stood up. Severus grabbed their cloaks and helped drape hers over her shoulders before putting on his own. She led the way to the exit with him trailing close behind. She still had a limp in her step and he winced at the memory of the terrible memory that was still fresh in his mind. Sarai smiled and waved goodbye to her grandfather as she left the bar and he smiled back at her, although his smile quickly turned into a frown when he saw Severus following behind her. Severus glared at the man.

Sarai stopped abruptly just outside the door and turned to face him, causing him to practically run into her. Snowflakes sticking to her eyelashes and nose as she looked up at him. He felt his heart flutter in his chest and he was suddenly warm.

“I’ll see you in an hour then.” she stated flatly.

“I’ll see you then,” he replied.

He watched her as she walked away from him, towards Honeydukes, and waited until she was safely inside before heading Merlin knew where. He had no idea where to begin and he only had an hour. She was the only reason he came here today in the first place and he had to find the perfect gift that would say everything that he couldn’t. 

He passed by all the usual shops but nothing really stood out for him, that is until a shop appeared before him that he had never noticed before. Not that he came to Hogsmeade frequently but he didn’t remember ever seeing it. It was a small shop nestled between two, much larger shops. You’d probably miss it if you didn’t know that it was there, and he just stumbled upon it by chance. He decided to go in. A little bell jingled as the door opened and he was greeted by a tiny man on a stool.

“What brings you in today good sir?” the man asked cheerfully.

“I’m not sure.” said Severus. “I am looking for something but i don’t know what it is yet.” he added.

“Well, take a look around” he made a gesture with his small hand as Severus scanned the room, “people have a tendency to find exactly what they need here.” he winked.

He began to look through the many glass display cases holding beautiful jewels, daggers and swords, when he spotted a shimmering necklace, reflecting light from, (he looked around) he wasn’t sure where. 

“It’s a locket.” The little man's voice came out of nowhere. “Would you like to have a look?” He removed the necklace from the case and handed it to Severus.

The chain and heart shaped pendant were made from copper, a conductor of energy and there was a rough and shining rose quartz crystal embedded within. He released the delicate clasp with his thumb and the pendant opened to reveal a slot to place a small photograph. He closed it again and flipped it over to reveal two snakes back to back, tails touching, engraved in the copper. Two snakes, or two S’s. Sarai Soleil. Severus Snape. Sev and Sarai. Two Slytherins.

There were no more words exchanged at that point. The small man took the locket out of Severus’ hands and placed it gently into a small green velvet box. Severus paid the man Twelve Galleons, was handed his parcel and walked out the door feeling a bit bewildered. He turned to look at the shop one last time but it had vanished, the parcel still in his hand. Very curious, he thought while placing the parcel in his frock coat pocket, still staring at the spot where the shop had been. 

Severus looked at his watch and immediately snapped out of it; he would have to investigate the shop another time. If he didn’t hurry he’d be late to meet Sarai and he absolutely did NOT want to keep her waiting. Not after everything that she had just revealed to him. Exposing one's memories was like baring one's soul. He reached Flourish & Blott’s just as she came through the door, parcels loaded on each arm.

“Here, let me get those for you.” he said as he charmed the bags off her arms and used his wand to levitate the packages in front of them as they walked. 

“Thanks.” she whispered. He had always been such a gentleman.

“You did all this in an hour?” he asked, clearly impressed. 

Sarai just shrugged, a little smile tugging the corner of her lips.

“Well, shall we?” he asked as he extended his elbow towards her.

“We shall.” she replied as she slipped her hand through his arm and they started the long, slow walk back up to the castle.

They walked in silence for a while, not awkward silence, just both lost in their own thoughts. The snow was really starting to come down. It was dark now and the temperature had dropped considerably. Her arm still linked through his, Severus could feel her shivering body. He stopped walking, released her arm, removed his cloak and draped it over her shoulders.

“Severus, you’ll f-freeze.” she said through chattering teeth.

“I’ll be fine.” he chuckled. He knew she never could stand the cold. He was freezing but it didn’t matter. Her well-being was the only thing that mattered to him anymore and being this close to her, warmed his soul, causing him to forget the temperature.

Sarai wrapped herself in his cloak, still warm from his body heat. She pulled the much too large hood over her head and the rough fabric brushed against her face. She smelled hints of parchment, fresh ink, black coffee and peppermint as if she were back by the Black Lake, sniffing the Amortentia that she had so expertly brewed. She let out a long sigh.

“Is everything alright?” Severus asked, hearing her sigh in the still and quiet of the night.

“Quite alright.” she smiled a smile that he’d never see, hidden under the thick fabric of his winter cloak.

As they were finally making their way through the front gates, Sarai said, “I’m glad that the Universe brought us together today and that I could finally show you what I’ve been holding on to.”

“I’m glad too.” Severus said. trying not to smile but failing miserably. “I’ll have these packages sent to your chambers directly.” he said as he pushed open the heavy oak doors.

“Thank you Severus.” she said while gently squeezing his forearm. 

“I’ll see you at dinner.” was the last thing she said as he watched her turn on her heel and float like a goddess up the stairs towards the Astronomy Tower.

He magicked the parcels to her chambers as promised by disapparating them with the intention of rematerializing them on a table in her room. He then headed to the dungeons to wash up before returning to the Great Hall. 

Once he was in his chambers, he removed the small parcel from his frock coat pocket. He opened the tiny box and removed the mysterious locket, inspecting it for any evidence of dark magic. He performed his charms and spells but found none and was satisfied with that. He had a picture of them, from when they were students, that he had been keeping under his pillow all of these years, searching it every night for the answers he so desperately needed, the answers that he had finally received. He was carrying her piggy back and she had her arms wrapped around his neck, both of them laughing. He couldn’t remember the last time he laughed like that and it was strange seeing himself that way. He watched the Sarai in the photograph kiss him on the cheek. He could almost feel her lips on him and he touched his cheek as if the kiss would be there, lingering. He used a shrinking charm to get the photograph down to the right size and placed it inside the locket, closing it and returning it to its box. He used his wand to magically wrap the parcel in deep purple and golden yellow, Sarai’s two favorite colors. Every detail mattered, right down to how and when he was going to give it to her. Would it be in person? By owl? Would he hide it in her pocket like he had done with the vial? At this point he had no idea but he still had a week before Christmas to get it sorted out.

He put those thoughts aside for the time being and turned on the water for a shower. Sarai said she would see him at dinner and he really hoped that meant that she would sit next to him, he wanted to make sure he was fresh and clean just in case. He adjusted the temperature of the water with a wave of his wand and let it wash over him, washing the worries of the day down the drain. His mind started to wander to all of the memories that Sarai had shared with him and he began to cry. The tears turned to sobs as he finally began to listen to what his gut had been telling him since they were students. He loved her. He loved Sarai, he could see it in himself but had always ignored the signs because of how deeply he cared for Lily. How that must have made Sarai feel, he knew it exactly and he hurt for her. He had hurt her too many times and yet she was still there, giving him chance after chance to get something right. He got out of the shower feeling like he didn’t deserve her, if she let him back in, he’d probably just hurt her again. He almost didn’t go to dinner but her words lingered. “I’ll see you at dinner!” she had said with those sweet, gentle, amber eyes looking right into his deep black ones. He didn’t want to let her down, again, so he dressed himself in his usual black attire, magicked his hair dry and made sure that his breath was tolerable before leaving his chamber and making the walk to the Great Hall.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out. I have been super busy and had writers block most of October. I was actually quite surprised that this chapter flowed out of me as easily as it did once I sat down to write. I will try to get at least one more chapter published this month as I am participating in NaNoWriMo and my goal is 50,000 words. Thank you all for continuing to read and support my story.


	11. The Sugar Plum Incident.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmastime at Hogwarts! Severus and Sarai slowly ease back in to some sort of semblance of their former friendship as they both reminisce fondly of the past. More pieces of the puzzle are revealed as our main characters share a few sweet moments together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my readers for your patience as I work on getting a few more chapters published. I have a couple more in the editing stages that I hope to release soon!
> 
> This is probably one of my favorite chapters that I have written so far and I hope you guys like it too. This story is still just getting started and I plan on continuing it for many, many chapters.

Sarai was seated on an oversized armchair in her chambers, wrapped in a homemade afghan, contemplating the unexpected turn of events that had taken place that day. Severus had gotten the packages to her room completely unscathed and she smiled at the thought of his sweet gesture. He truly had a heart of gold under that rigid exterior. He was like a labradorite, gray and cloudy on the surface, but full of rainbows when held in the light. She was glad that she was finally able to unload those memories off of her chest; she had been carrying them around for a long time, as long as he had been ignorant of the truth. They affected him, that was obvious but now she had to patiently await his response as she knew better than to push him for one. She still loved him, in spite of everything, and she truly believed with her whole heart that he had always loved her, but could they ever rekindle that old flame, or had too much time gone by? She contemplated this as she used the tip of her wand to light up a joint (a habit she picked up while living in California), it helped to keep her mind focused and she could easily block the smell with magic, so she didn’t have too much trouble hiding it. Albus didn’t really mind her smoking it, he joined her sometimes, when they were at his flat, but he wouldn’t be happy with her doing it in the castle, with students around. She only ever smoked it in her chambers anyways. Joni sent it to her through Owl Post once a month as it wasn’t easy to come by in the Highlands of Scotland (and California grass was always greener), so she always had an abundant and fresh supply. She took one more long drag before putting it out and drew a warm bath to thaw out her skin from the freezing cold walk back to the castle. She still had about an hour before she had to be at Dinner so she took her time soaking in the tub and let her stoned mind wander. 

Severus arrived at The Great Hall promptly at six o’clock. He had a knack for being exactly on time. He secretly hoped that there hadn’t been any new petrifications while he was away in the village that afternoon, he couldn’t take anymore weight on his already heavy mind. He scanned the room and spotted Minerva already seated. No sign of Sarai yet, of course, as she, unlike him, did not make a habit of being on time, ever, he hid his smile behind his hand. He approached the staff table to take a seat next to the Deputy Headmistress, making sure to leave a vacant one next to himself and continued to scan the entrance for any sign of his estranged lover. 

It was nearly six o’clock in the evening and Sarai practically leapt out of the clawfoot tub, dripping water all over the stone floor, realizing that she was going to be late yet again for dinner. She was still stoned and she had dozed off a bit, lost in daydreams of herself and Sev; she had to stop living in the past. She quickly dried herself off, charmed the floor dry and dressed in a pair of fleece-lined black leggings, her favorite  _ Weird Sisters  _ hoodie (foregoing a bra) and her signature Doc Martin’s. She threw her hair up in a messy loose ponytail, put some strawberry scented gloss on her lips and hurried out the door, practically running to The Great Hall. In her haste, she almost toppled over Gilderoy as he was exiting the DADA classroom.

“Sarai!” he beamed. “What a pleasure to run into you here, quite literally.” he chuckled.

“Oh for Merlin’s sake, why?!” Sarai thought to herself.

“A pretty woman like yourself shouldn’t have to walk through the corridors alone, here, let me escort you.” he said as he extended his elbow.

“I’m a big girl Gilderoy, I think I can walk myself!” she stated coldly while picking up her pace.

He matched her strides and continued to unabashedly flirt with her all the way to the Great Hall, so she did her best to allow her thoughts to take her elsewhere, effectively drowning his voice out as she walked alongside him, unable to escape.

Severus kept his attention on the entrance to The Great Hall whilst listening to Minerva go on about her plans for the upcoming winter break. He nodded and threw in an “uh huh” every now and then as he continued to watch for any sign of her. 

Suddenly, the whole room seemed to brighten, his heart grew warm and every head in the Great Hall seemed to turn as the radiant light that was Sarai came over the threshold, but he immediately frowned and furrowed his brow when he realized who she was with. He noticed the man's mouth chattering away as Sarai caught his eye and gave him a “you better help me now, or else” look. He motioned for her to come and sit next to him and she briskly walked that way. As she approached, the fool was still mindlessly chattering away so Severus called out:

“Sarai, a word, please.” while motioning for her to sit down.

“Yes, of course Severus,” she practically sighed with relief. “See ya around Gilderoy.” she shouted without looking back at him.

“Thank you” she mouthed at Severus while taking her seat.

Lockhart looked baffled by what had just happened but he kept walking on until he found a vacant seat next to the Muggle Studies teacher and started chattering away in her ear. Severus didn’t care. Sarai was there, seated next to him, he could smell the aroma of rose petals and African violets as she entered his personal space and it took everything for him not to nuzzle his head in her hair, taking in the pleasant and familiar scent. 

“Good evening.” he said politely as she sat down in the seat he had saved for her.

“Hello again, Severus.” she replied. She noticed Minerva watching them out of the corner of her eye. 

“Good evening to you too, Minerva.” Sarai smiled coyly as she leaned around Severus. 

“Good evening dearest.” she smiled back and then redirected her attention to Albus who had just stood to begin the evening announcements.

When the Headmaster was finished, the food magically appeared on the tables as it always did. Sarai eyed Severus in disgust as he began to cut into his prime rib. He looked at her, noticed the look on her face and passed her the platter of roasted mushrooms with garlic and herbs, remembering that she didn’t eat meat or dairy, only seafood sometimes. 

“So, what are your plans for the break?” he asked nonchalantly between mouthfuls of meat and gravy. 

“Oh, I’m not sure. Perhaps rearrange my chambers, catch up on some reading, work on lesson plans for next term...maybe?” she shrugged, knowing that she probably wouldn’t get around to doing any of those things.

“So, you’ll be staying here at Hogwarts then?” He tried not to smile.

“Where else would I go, and why are you so interested in where I’ll be spending my break?” she grinned. 

“I’m not. I mean, I was just making conversation, that’s all.” he said quietly, putting his knife and fork down.

“Are you? she asked with a smirk.

He gave her the side-eye as he resumed clearing his plate, but in his head he was jumping for joy. He really hoped he didn’t mess it all up this time. At least there was conversation happening between the two of them, and that was far more than he could have ever hoped for.

It was already Christmas Eve. Nearly a week had gone by and he still wasn’t sure how to approach her. He carried her gift around with him in his frock coat pocket everyday, hoping for the right time to present itself. He had decided that it was best to just give it to her in person, if only to see her reaction. He wondered what it would be; would she think his gift was thoughtful, or would she think it was too much too soon? He silently walked down the dungeon corridor, swimming in his thoughts, when he smelled something oddly familiar coming from the kitchens. It was awfully late for the house-elves to still be cooking dinner and much too early for them to have started preparing for breakfast, but that smell, ”what was that heavenly smell? he wondered. It was so familiar. He rounded the corner to have a peek inside the kitchen doors and quickly stepped back into the darkness. It was her. Sarai was covered in flour from head to toe, he smiled at how cute she looked in her apron. Instantly upon seeing her, he realized what he had been smelling and it all came rushing back to him.

_ Sarai had befriended the house elves early on as a student. She was kind to them and treated them with respect, she always had and eventually she was able to convince them to let her use the kitchen while they were cleaning up after dinner. She had always loved to cook (from scratch, not with magic), her great grandmother, Lida, on her fathers side, had taught her. She loved to work with her hands and it was here at Hogwarts where she perfected many of the recipes that would carry her through her culinary career. She created recipes as Severus did potions, with ease and care.  _

_ There was one summer, in their youth, when Sarai became infatuated with Sugaring Plums to preserve them until winter. She started out making Sugar Plum Jam that she would not only give to friends and family as Christmas gifts but would herself eat it on everything! She’d spread it on to her toast in the mornings, blend it into her tea, and smother it on her desserts. Severus teased that if she continued to eat the sweet fruit as often as she did that she would turn into a Sugar Plum! The nickname stuck and from that point on, he called her his little Sugarplum and eventually she started incorporating the jam into baked goods, creating her famous Sugar Plum Tarts. She was in the kitchens daily practicing and perfecting and Severus was usually the lucky recipient of her efforts. Every single batch she made was delicious, but it was the Christmas Eve batch that was her best. She swore that was when they were at their peak and from that day on, it became a yearly tradition to make batches upon batches of Sugar Plum tarts on Christmas Eve, refusing to bake them on any other day henceforth.  _

He finally worked up the nerve to enter the kitchen and she didn’t even notice, she was so absorbed in what she was doing, singing some muggle song that he didn’t recognize, as she worked. He cleared his throat and she almost jumped out of her shoes!

“Damn it Severus! I could have burned myself! What are you doing here? What do you want?” she snapped, clearly annoyed with his sneaky entrance.

He snorted. “I could ask you the same question!”

“Well, it is Christmas Eve, isn’t it?” she retorted as she pulled a fresh batch of tarts out of the oven, the scent wafting up his nose as she carried them past him. 

He looked at them longingly, following her with his gaze as she slid the pan on to the cooling rack. He knew he had smelled that familiar smell, there was no mistaking it. 

“Are those Sugar Plum tarts?” he asked, while eyeing the fresh batch on the rack, although he already knew the answer.”Who are you making all of these for?”

She looked up at him, their eyes locking briefly, before she reluctantly pulled a folded up note out of her apron pocket and handed it to him. “Well, it was supposed to be a surprise but since you are so nosey, I suppose now is as good a time as any.”

He unfolded the note and read:

_ Severus, _

_ I hope these remind you of more innocent times. _

_ I miss you. _

_ Sarai _

He looked up at her and said nothing for a moment, just studied her face, her eyes, her lips. 

“You have some flour on your cheek.” he said. “Here.” And he gently brushed it away with his thumb while continuing to stare at her, his hand lingering on her cheek tracing gentle little circles around it. 

Everything connected for him in his mind now. The memories, the suppressed feelings. He bent down and placed his lips on hers, giving her a few gentle kisses. She wasn’t pushing him away, she just stared at him with those doe-like, amber eyes. He sought entrance into her mouth with his tongue and was surprised that she allowed it. Their tongues danced, they intertwined and came apart. He pulled her closer and lifted her up onto the prep table as she wrapped her legs around him and they continued to share a passionate kiss for what felt like hours before they finally broke apart. Breathless.

“Can we go somewhere a little more private to talk?” he asked while looking around to make sure no house elves were lurking. 

Sarai eyed him suspiciously, questioning his motives.

“I just want to chat.” he reassured her, “Don’t you think it’s time we had a proper chat? he asked, “here, I’ll help you clean up first.”

She winked at him and popped a warm, Sugar Plum tart into his mouth before hopping off the table to start magicking things clean; now that, she did believe in using magic for.

It was heavenly. He was in a state of pure ecstasy. He almost drooled but caught himself. It tasted exactly as he remembered, sweet, but not too sweet, flaky and buttery. He enjoyed a brief and rare moment of other-worldly pleasure before coming back down to Earth to help her clean, including cleaning the flour off of the both of them, all the time thinking about that kiss. The Sugar Plum tart was almost as sweet.

Severus led her to his chambers, since they were already in the dungeons. They warmed themselves in front of a cozy fire while sipping mulled wine and nibbling on more Sugar Plum Tarts.

“These are divine, Rai, they really do take me back to those innocent times.” he smiled gently at her. 

She looked at him with immense sadness in her eyes before finally speaking. “I’m sorry for bringing up your feelings for Lily in such an awful way. I wanted to hurt you. I was hurting and I wanted you to feel my pain. It wasn’t fair and I’m ashamed of my behavior.” 

She always looked right into his eyes as she spoke, she was authentic and genuine as she always had been. That was a huge part of what had attracted him to her.

“It doesn’t excuse what I did to you Sarai. I never wanted to hurt you, Merlin, it's the last thing I ever wanted.” he was on the verge of tears now. “I reacted out of anger, just like my father. What if I’m just like him? I don’t deserve you!” his face was full of anguish.

“You’re not him Sev. Severus,” she corrected herself.

“It’s okay, I like when you call me Sev. I’ve always liked it.”

Sarai rolled her eyes. “No shit.” she said, chuckling. 

“You have too much love and goodness in your heart to be like him.” She added.

“Sarai, you don’t know the things I’ve done, the things I’ve not stopped from being done. I am a monster. Just look at what I did to you!” He eyed the walking stick propped up next to her and he couldn’t stop the salt from spilling down his cheeks. He placed his head in his hands, attempting to hide his tears from her.

“No. I know who you are Sevy! You are not a monster! Not now and not then!” She stood up and moved to sit on the arm of the easy chair where he sat. He looked up at her and she wiped the tears from his eyes with the tips of her thumbs and brushed the hair from his face.

“You weren’t there for the in-between Sarai.” the tears continued as if a dam had broken. “You would hate me if you knew everything, if you don’t already hate me. You should,” he added as he closed his eyes.

“Sev, I don’t think I ever could. I’m still here, trying, after everything, aren’t I?” she asked.

He contemplated this.

“It just hurt so bad when you left, Rai.” he finally broke down, sobbing. “It hurt so damn much and I didn’t understand why until now.”

“Don’t you dare blame me for what you became, Severus.” she was suddenly defensive.

“I’m not. No. I wouldn’t. I’ve never, ever blamed you.” he looked up at her as the tears started to slow. “I know the truth now.”

They sat there in silence, holding hands, her rubbing her free one up and down his back. Every now and then he would sniffle, until finally, he spoke:

“Sarai, I am a damn fool.” he said quietly, startling her from the thoughts running through her own mind. 

“I loved you then, it was so apparant. I was an idiot! I was so consumed with the idea of what Lily was to me, that I suppressed my love for you. I think I just really missed her friendship, and became hyper-obsessed with redeeming myself,” He looked down at Sarai’s ink-covered hands, “but she had moved on... and NO, I did not think of her when I was with you. Not ever! I have been ever present in every single romantic moment we have ever shared. I am, however, an idiot. It was always you, Sarai, it’s always been you.” he added.

“I know.” She smirked.

“You knew!” he seemed shocked.

Sarai chuckled. “Sev, I’m an empath, of course I knew, dude. You weren’t so good at blocking your emotions from me then, but you definitely led me to question my abilities, that's for sure.”

He said nothing.

“You have a lot of walls up now,” she added while looking over at him as he frowned. 

“That’s why I was planning to confess my feelings that day in the first place. I felt it from you, I was so sure! “ He looked at her and then at a spot on the floor as several moments passed.

“Well, you were right.” he said, still staring at the floor.

She could see the pain in his eyes and feel the pain in his heart. 

“You never lay a finger on me in that way ever again, Severus Tobias Snape, do you hear me?” she scolded him.

“I promise.” he said as he looked right at her, and he was a man of his word. 

She kissed his tear-stained cheeks and stroked his long black hair, a sweet, nurturing gesture that still brought him comfort, even as an adult. 

He kept his eyes focused on her and said, “I know this is completely unwarranted but, can I hold you?” 

Sarai arched her brow at the distraught-looking man.

“I have wanted to hold you since you walked back into The Great Hall and back into my life.” he admitted.

“Then why were you such a dick!?” she demanded.

“I was still angry with you, after all those years, and hurt. I never let it go and I didn’t understand the whole scope of things until now.” 

“Sarai, I’m sorry. I know it probably means nothing but what else can I say when no words will suffice to make up for my actions? Please. Please let me hold you. I long for your warmth.” he pleaded with her. 

He couldn’t believe that he was actually begging for her affection but at that moment he felt like he would die if he couldn’t be close to her, if he couldn't feel her heartbeat. He felt so vulnerable.

She studied his face and she could see the innocence in his eyes, so she allowed him to hold her. 

“The past is in the past now, Severus.” She said. “We have to let it go, learn from it and move on. Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for what happened, or didn’t happen then, and what is happening now.” She rested her chin on her hand and smiled at him. 

They had been talking things out all night and it was getting late. They laid down on the chaise next to the warmth of the fire and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. Soon, her eyelids began to feel heavy and she started to drift off into sleep and mumbled, “Sevy...“

“Yeah?” he replied lazily whilst burrowing his head into her hair.

“Can you release my ponytail?” she asked, almost incoherently. 

He paused for a moment, comprehending what she had just asked him to do and then very gently used his thick fingers to unweave the elastic band that was holding her hair up. Her ponytail brushed his face as it came down and the delicate scent of African Violets traveled up his nose, the same shampoo she had always used. He inhaled deeply and pulled her closer, her back pressing into him. She unexpectedly turned her body around so she was facing him, nuzzled her head into the crook of his neck (her favorite spot) and fell asleep on his chest. Merlin, he missed this. Her hair smelled so sweet and he smiled as he leaned down to kiss the top of her head. He contemplated what his next move should be, he had to think carefully. He didn’t want to offend her in any way, especially since they were now on speaking terms, but it was also late and she was sound asleep. He decided to place her in his bed, covering her with a thick blanket as it got very cold in the dungeons (and she hated the cold), and allowed her to sleep there while he curled up on the chaise lounge, near the hearth, covering himself with his cloak as he yawned. He meant to transfigure it a bit larger but he got caught up staring at her, sleeping in his bed, for most of the night, until he finally succumbed to exhaustion from a long and emotionally draining day. 

Sarai awoke suddenly, unaware of her surroundings. It was still dark out, she could feel the cool satin sheets on her skin and smell the damp dungeons, parchment, ink and potions. “Oh my gosh,” she thought frantically when she realized she was in Sev’s bed. “Did she, did they?” she didn’t think so. No, she was sure they hadn’t. She looked across the room and giggled silently into her hands at the sight of the very tall man curled up on the chaise lounge. Ever the gentlemen. Of course he would never take advantage of her, especially not while she was sleeping, she knew that. Even though she would not have minded waking up in his arms, she respected his chivalry.

She got out of bed and went over to where he was sleeping, knelt down next to him and brushed the hair out of his deeply lined face. He was out cold. She wondered why he didn’t just make the chaise lounge larger but figured he must have passed out before he had the chance; they were up very late, chatting and drinking and eating Sugar Plum tarts. She used her wand to gently levitate him into his bed, so as not to wake him, kissed him on the forehead, curled up into his arms and the warmth that his body was generating, and fell back to sleep.

A beam of bright early morning sunlight shone through the only window in his chambers and Severus awoke with a start, causing Sarai to stir, sleepily. 

He stared at her, curled up next to him and said, in utter confusion, “Sarai, I swear, “ but she gently pressed her finger to his lips to shh him. 

“I wanted to.” She said. “Is it okay?” 

He looked at her sweet face and nodded, and an actual smile crept across his lips. She stretched her tired and aching body and kissed him on the cheek.

“Merry Christmas!” she beamed.

She winked at him and got out of bed. “I’ll be back,” she said before practically floating up the stairs and out the door, and just like that, before he could even ask where she was going, she was gone. 

“Uh, Merry Christmas.” He said to nobody.

He wondered if it had all been a dream but before he could fret too much, she was back. She handed him a beautifully wrapped package and he knew this was the right moment to present her with his gift. She seemed pleasantly surprised when he handed it to her. He gently removed the paper from the gift she had given to him as she tore off hers, just as she always had done. It was the just released auto-biography of Nigellus Lawson, a respected potioneer whom Severus had followed since his youth. He beamed and looked over to thank her but he noticed that she was frozen, locket open in her lap, tiny trails of tears leaking out of her eyes. He placed his hand over hers, gently closing the locket and then wrapped her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. He took the locket from her hands, brushed her long hair aside and clasped the chain around her neck. 

“You did good.” She whispered as she nuzzled her head deep into the crook of his neck while he gently caressed her back. 

She would never, ever, take that locket off, for any reason, as long as she lived. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't you just picture Albus smoking a doob? I always could lol. I hope you guys don't mind Sarai's little habit. She is a California girl after all. 
> 
> Sev did really good with his gift for Sarai from the same mysterious shop where she got his gift the previous year. Could their relationship finally progress further? You will have to keep reading to find out! <3 <3 <3


	12. Valentine's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT. You have been warned!  
> Sev and Sarai grow closer in a day full of surprises.

In the months that passed, Severus and Sarai spent more and more time together. They were beginning to become inseparable just as they had been when they were students. Minerva noticed and mentioned it to Albus.

“I think your plan is finally working.” She whispered to the headmaster as she sat down next to him for breakfast.

“What plan?” he winked through his half-moon spectacles.

When Severus and Sarai arrived together in The Great Hall for breakfast, they were immediately showered in a downpour of heart-shaped confetti, and there were huge pink flowers all over the walls.

“Ugh, what is this!?” said Sarai as Severus scanned the room angrily to see what was going on. He spotted Lockhart at the staff table wearing pink robes that matched the color of the flowers on the walls and waving his hand for silence.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” he shouted.

Severus was appalled. He should have known that it was Lockhart who was behind this. His disgust, however, soon turned to anxiety. It _was_ Valentine’s Day. He hadn’t really thought about it, for it wasn’t a holiday that he normally looked forward to. Should he have done something for Sarai? He wondered. They weren’t officially a couple, at least, not exclusively, but he wasn’t really sure what was going on with them. They had been talking a lot, reconnecting, getting closer, kissing a little, here and there, when it felt appropriate. They often stayed up very late, just talking, so she stayed over in his chambers sometimes and they just held each other and slept, nothing more. He wondered if she was even still attracted to him, if she was ever tempted like he sometimes was, or if she only saw him as a friend, a confidant. He immediately felt guilty for thinking this, the gentleman that he was, and quickly shook the thought away. After running it over in his head a few times, he felt that he _should_ do something sweet for Sarai, to express how much her just being in his life meant to him. 

“Sarai,” he stared straight ahead for a moment before finally turning to look at her, “will you join me for dinner in my chambers tonight?” 

She looked at him inquisitively as she raised an eyebrow.

“Like, a date?” She asked.

He hesitated before saying, “Like a date...I suppose.”

She continued to arch her eyebrow at him.

“Severus Snape, what has gotten into you!? Have you been drinking amortentia? Should I be concerned?” she joked.

“Are you quite done?” he rolled his eyes at her. 

Sarai sniggered into her hands. He was so cute. There was no one in the world she would rather spend any day with, let alone, the _most_ romantic day of the year. She couldn’t wait to see what he had in store for her; in the meantime, she would have to try and dodge Gilderoy’s advances all day.

“Oh Sarai, I saved you a seat!” Lockhart shouted over the chatter of the students as she and Severus approached the staff table. 

She groaned and clutched her stomach as she realized there were no pairs of seats left. 

“I told you we should have left earlier, didn't I? Severus teased.

Sarai just rolled her eyes at him and he snorted as he walked away, leaving her standing there.

“Ah, Gilderoy, I’ve been meaning to discuss something with you” he said as he strode towards the vacant seat next to the insufferable idiot. Lockhart continued to stare at Sarai, mouth open, completely blind-sided by Severus’ bold gesture.

“My knight in shining armor,” Sarai swooned as she took the only other empty seat, near Sybill Trelawney. Well, it was better than Lockhart at least. She chuckled as she looked across the table to where Severus was engaged in some ridiculous conversation with the man, caught his eye and smiled. He grinned smugly back at her. She didn’t necessarily mind Sybil too much, she was harmless really, she was actually quite funny and made Sarai giggle. She just didn’t really agree with her teaching the students as she wasn’t really gifted at the art of divination; she only had random outbursts when she was occasionally possessed by the great spirit, which was only once, as far as Sarai knew. That hardly qualified her to teach. Then again, thought Sarai, what really even qualified herself to teach? She knew Albus just kept Sybil there to protect her, like he did for so many. Like he was doing for herself _and_ she suspected, for Severus. Albus was like a father to so many, including Harry Potter. She felt bad for the boy, only having a horrible muggle aunt and uncle and cousin to go home to each Summer. Albus told her that they forced him to live in a small cupboard under the stairs for much of his early life. It was tragic, really, to think of Lily and James Potter’s son being treated so horrifically! Being an empath, she automatically wished there was something that she could do about it, but at the end of the day she knew that there wasn’t. At least she knew that he was safe here at Hogwarts and that brought her some comfort.Severus could stand to be a little nicer to the boy though, she would have to have a word with him about that later. 

Sarai taught a kundalini yoga class for some of the students who had a free period before lunch and she headed up to the astronomy tower to prepare the classroom for that. She winked at Severus who looked over at her as she stood up. He looked extremely annoyed as he was surely stuck listening to Gilderoy talk about himself endlessly. She was so grateful for what he had spared her and she would make sure he knew of her gratitude. 

Severus sat and listened to the incorrigible man drone on and on for what felt like hours. He was mostly tuning him out with lots of, “uh-huh’s” and “oh, really’s?”, until the D.A.D.A. profesor started talking about the “love of his life”; he was referring to Sarai. Severus’ brow furrowed, he looked over to where Sarai was seated, engaged in what was probably an awkward conversation with Sybil Trelawney, and looked back at the love-struck buffoon.

“I don’t think she’s interested,” he said with an air of annoyance in his tone. “perhaps you should move on to someone who is more suited to your...type.”

“I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean, Professor Snape,” he laughed, “but I am sure Sarai is in love with me, it’s so _obvious_.”

Severus was now rubbing his temples with his head down and his eyes closed, practicing the breathing technique that Sarai had taught him: 

_In through the nose for four counts, hold it in for four counts, exhale through the mouth for four counts and hold it out for four counts._

He breathed this way until the adrenaline coursing through his veins relaxed and slowed. He looked over at Sarai and noticed she was getting up from her seat to leave the Great Hall. He watched her say goodbye to Sybil as she winked at him and turned to leave. He watched her longingly as she walked out the door, Gilderoy still jabbering away didn’t even notice she had left (thank Merlin). Severus used the excuse that he had to prepare for his first class of the day and left Minerva to fall victim to Gilderoys self-absorbed banter. He shrugged at her as he stood up and she glared at him. He’d surely receive payback for _that_ later, knowing Minerva. 

_“May the long-time sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you, guide your way on.”_ Sarai said dreamily to her yoga class before dismissing them.

When all of her students were gone, she sat down on one of her meditation cushions near the blazing hearth and began to document everything that had happened over the last few months and also her shock and excitement at the spontaneous Valentine’s Day plans that Severus had in store for her.

Severus paced his chambers. He had nothing prepared. He felt like a fool and like he’d messed up again. He was always messing up with her (he shook his head at himself). He didn’t want to disappoint Sarai and now that he had brought it up, she was expecting a big surprise. Now that he thought about it, she probably hadn’t been expecting much from him in the first place but he had already dug himself into a hole that he wasn’t sure he could climb out of, but she deserved a wonderful evening full of surprises and that was what he was going to give to her. He had already given her the universe, what was bigger than that? He silently cursed his sixteen year old self for showing his present self up. 

He wanted to do something that showed how much he cared for her but he didn’t want to do too much too soon. They were still talking through their shadows and working things out. They weren't exactly a couple but they were, he felt safe to say, friends again. He smiled at the thought of her and all that they had been through, their recent late night talks and their stolen glances and smiles in The Great Hall. With the Chamber of Secrets being opened again, he had been worried. He had an idea of who could be behind it but he didn’t want it to be true, for if it were, it would mean that he would be called upon for his ultimate sacrifice soon. He didn’t know how long he had before he would be called away and he wanted to make the best of every moment, yet, he was afraid of getting too close. He wanted to protect Sarai and a part of him was scared that he would never be able to truly _be_ with her. He didn’t want to hurt her more than he already had. He tried to shake those thoughts from his head and just enjoy the present. 

“ _Be here now_.” Sarai always told him whenever he fretted over the past that was gone or the future that didn’t exist. 

The Mandrakes would be fully grown soon and he could make the potion required to restore health to all those who had been petrified. He would save the day without so much as a “thanks,” as usual.

Severus decided on a quiet dinner in his chambers, just the two of them. He conjured a beautifully set table with a dusty rose colored lace runner and wildflowers in shades of purples and yellows as a centerpiece. She was a wildflower and he loved that about her. She was free and she made him feel freer than he actually was. He was happy, for the first time, in a long, long time. Earlier in the day, he consulted with some of the House Elves to help him prepare a dinner that was sans meat and dairy for his compassionate friend, as well as a dark chocolate souffle with fresh berries for dessert. He knew how much she loved chocolate. He removed his frock coat, rolled up his sleeves and helped to prepare every element of the simple, yet elegant meal, paying attention to every last detail. It made him nervous to cook for a professional chef but he was confident in the kitchen, as making recipes wasn’t much different than making potions, and he was quite skilled at that. His plan was to conjure the perfectly prepared meal at just the right time, making it appear effortless. He placed a bottle of her favorite Elven Red Wine on the table and looked over his handy work. It looked perfect. Now it was time to make himself look perfect,well, at least decent. He showered, dried his hair and got dressed in a fresh pair of black trousers and put on his black velvet frock coat which he saved for only the most special of occasions. This was definitely one of them.

Sarai took a long, slow, bong rip. She was so anxious about tonight and she needed to take the edge off. She had no idea what to expect from Severus; honestly, she was shocked that he had anything planned at all. She smiled, he was a romantic underneath all of those layers. She wasn’t really sure where they stood in their relationship. Their friendship was certainly re-blossoming and she was content to at least have that, after all the time that had passed. They were definitely taking things slow, rediscovering each other, learning to let go and _just be_ again. They were getting there but there was a lot of history to dig through. Layers, between the layers.

She drew a bath and scented it with fresh rose petals and patchouli, her signature scent. She stepped in, sinking into the water with only her head and neck exposed, closed her eyes and fantasized about the last time they had made love, when they were still students here at Hogwarts.

_He brushed her hair away from her face and kissed her ear, gently nibbling on it as she gasped at the sensation. He moved down the length of her neck and shoulder, leaving a trail of wet kisses behind him. She threw her head back as he kissed her breasts and moved up the length of her exposed neck until his mouth was on hers, hungrily kissing her as she cupped her hands over the back of his head and leaned into him, kissing him harder and deeper._

Sarai opened her eyes, she was feeling moisture between her legs and it definitely wasn't the bathwater. “Shit!” She cursed herself. She certainly could not go to Sev’s in this state, she didn’t want to do anything that they weren’t ready for yet in their relationship and they still had so many shadows to work through, sex would just complicate things further. She absent-mindedly cupped her own firm breast and fondled her nipple, feeling the sensation in her nether regions as she slowly moved her hand down the length of her leg and began caressing her most sensitive areas. She closed her eyes again as she moaned and easily drifted right back into her memories of the past.

 _Severus propped himself up with his arms, his body over hers, his hair was just barely brushing against her face_ (she could almost smell his musky scent, could almost feel the length of his manhood in the depths of her abyss as he pushed himself into her) _. She moaned, in the memory_ (and in the present tense) _. She looked at him as he looked into her eyes, studying every feature of his face and the way his dark eyes brightened with pleasure._

_“You feel good.” He said, slightly panting._

Sarai continued rubbing herself, dipping a finger into the warm pool between her legs, loosening herself up slightly before inserting another finger, brushing her thumb gently against the sensitive area. She moaned as she was becoming warmer and wetter.

_“Ah! So do you.” she replied breathily._

_He kissed her again as she closed her eyes, allowing him to devour her with his mouth as he continued to move in and out. He moved faster as a few beads of sweat laced his brow. He then, in one swift motion, flipped her over so that she was now the one on top, straddling him and rocking back and forth as he placed his hands upon her ample buttocks. She arched her back to allow him deeper inside of her and she moaned quite loudly as he placed his hand over her mouth to silence her, afraid they would be found out._

_“Rai, I can’t last any longer.” He panted._

_“Me neither, Sev, I am going to explode.” she moaned._

_She continued moving in that way, faster and deeper until he pulled her close to him gasping into the crook of her neck as he came and the invisible chord within the depths of her womb, snapped and she cried out._

Sarai stroked her swollen nub faster as she felt herself tense up, the water, every sensation was feeling extra intense as she pinched her little jewel with her thumb and forefinger. She inserted two fingers into herself as she swirled the sweet spot with her thumb and came with so much intensity that she splashed half of the water out of the tub and onto the floor. She didn’t realize she had been rocking back and forth so vigorously with the memory of Severus and herself. She sighed, it was good to get that out of her system, she no longer felt anxious in the slightest. She got out of the tub and dried herself off (as well as the floor), smiled at her mischief, and dressed carefully for her date with the object of her desires. 

  
  


“tap, tap, tap.”

There was a gentle rapping at Severus’ chamber door and he knew exactly whom it was, for he had been expecting her. She was predictably late as usual. He opened the door slowly and there she stood, looking up at him. Her skin was glowing and radiant, her hair curled and her lips painted rouge. 

“Well, are you going to invite me in, or are we just going to stand here, staring at each other all night?” she asked with a smirk.

He snapped out of the trance she had him in and stepped aside so that she could enter. He watched her walk, as he followed her from behind into the main room, her hips swaying with every step. Dazed, he nearly walked right into her as she stopped and stood in front of the hearth. He made sure to make the fire extra hot so she didn’t get too cold down in the damp and dismal dungeons; she hated to be cold.

Sarai felt him approach her from behind, she felt his long fingers graze her shoulders eloquently.

“Can I take your cloak?” he asked innocently and she allowed him, as she knew that he wouldn’t try anything.

“Yes, please.” she retorted.

His fingers moved to the front of her neck to undo the clasp and she felt them as they slid down the length of her arms. “Ahhh”, she moaned internally as he removed the cloak and tossed it towards the coat rack to hang itself. Well, taking care of herself in the tub earlier apparently didn’t do much good as she was already soaked between the legs at his touch. Her body wanted him so badly. She turned to face him. He looked really nice, she could tell how much effort he had put into this and she smiled at him. 

“You are a very handsome man, Severus.” she blushed.

“You look beautiful and radiant as ever Sarai.” He stared at her, frozen to the spot, hoping that he didn’t get aroused. He moved his hands to cover his crotch, just in case.

The air was full of her scent, floral and resin, he breathed it in and secretly hoped that it would linger after she left. She was dressed in her usual bohemian chic style, flowy, sheer, paisley printed dress in shades of green, belted at the waist, a floppy black hat, feathers in her ears and black pointed toe boots, hair in loose curls and (he smiled) the locket he had given to her for Christmas, still around her neck. He snapped his fingers and suddenly, violins were conjured and began to play as a slow piano eventually chimed in. He held his hand out towards her, palm facing up.

“May I have this dance?” he asked politely.

She could tell that he was nervous and her instinct was to calm him. She took his hand in hers.

“There’s no one I would rather dance with more,” she said, gazing into the depths of his ebony eyes.

Her right hand clasped his left as she placed her left hand on his shoulder and his right went to her hip. They slowly danced around the room this way to the pace of the Adagio. He spun her around once or twice and finished with a little dip, bringing her back up and kissing her on the top of the head as she rested it on his chest.

“I’ve prepared dinner,” he said proudly.

“You have? Wow! I am impressed, Sev!” she exclaimed.

“Well, you haven’t tasted it yet so don’t be too impressed.” he teased.

Sarai chuckled.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I bet it’s delicious!” she said as she squeezed his bicep gently with both hands.

Severus led her across the room to his small dining table. It was dressed with a dusty rose runner and wildflowers and she beamed at his attention to detail. He still knew her very well. 

“Sev, this is so thoughtful.” she tilted her head up at him. 

“I wasn’t expecting any of this at all, I’m already so blown away. This is all very sweet and generous and...romantic.” She rested her head briefly against his strong arm. 

“Let me pour you a glass of wine !” He said suddenly. 

She could tell how nervous he still was, it was rather sweet, but she wanted to reassure him so that he could relax. They locked eyes and she tugged on his lapels, feeling the soft velvet against her fingertips as she pulled him down to her lips, and kissed him, gently at first, and then her fingers moved to his hair as the kiss grew more ferocious. She could feel him start to grow and she herself was growing wetter. She pulled away, panting, brushed his cheek with her hand and moved in for a hug. He wrapped his arms tightly around her as she caressed his back a little to reassure him and felt him loosen up immediately. 

“I have to pee! I’ll be back” she said, excusing herself to the bathroom. 

Really she had to cool down for a moment and discreetly dry herself. She took out her wand, waved it over her womanhood and she was instantly dry. Now to cool down. There were no windows in his bathroom so she waved her wand again to lower the temperature, she didn’t have to lower it much as it was already freezing in the dungeons. She soon began to shiver and her mind went off of devouring her prince. She knew it wasn’t the right time and so did he. When she was effectively cool and dry she went back out to the dining room and the patiently awaiting man.

“How about that glass of wine?” She said.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 61st Birthday Severus Tobias Snape, my sweet love. <3<3<3  
> 9 January 1960 - ALWAYS /*/*

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Instagram @saraisoleilsnape for Sev and Sarai pics, drawings and updates.


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